Finally! After many, many months of not blogging I am finally getting around to updating everyone on the boys. Though most of my close friends and family know what has been going on with us through personal conversation or from my updates on Facebook, I apologize for the rest of you who follow this blog and are wondering how we've been doing. I've updated some information and a lot of pictures on this blog, so if you are getting this message through your email, you may want to actually log onto the site so you can see everything. It's hard to know where to begin because it's been so long since I last wrote. Sometimes the struggles are just too hard to write down in words. We've had much success, coupled with many failures over the past year and half since adopting Milkanu and Tadesse. I guess I'll just do an overview of the eight months or so since I last posted, followed by some thoughts and reflections. One of my husband's favorite movies is "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly". I think that title is very applicable to how our lives have been since adopting our boys, so we'll go with that...
The GOOD. "Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6
I love this verse. While I reflect on the "good" that has happened during our adoption journey, many things come to mind, but most of all I can't get over GOD'S goodness to our family. He has brought us through some of the darkest and lowest times, even when we don't deserve it. Even when there has been nothing admirable in my behavior, God chooses to love me and carry me through the difficulties. HIS goodness, and that alone, is the only reason our family is where it is today.
The other "good" that has happened since I last blogged: April 21, 2012 marked the one year anniversary (Adoption Day) of our boys' adoption in Ethiopia. Then on June 13 the boys' adoption was finalized in the United States, allowing them to have American birth certificates and change their middle names (per Ethiopian procedures, both boys were given the middle name Brian when we adopted them there). So we now have Milkanu Elijah and Tadesse Ezekiel! Elijah means "the Lord is my God"; Ezekiel means "strength of God". Then a week later we celebrated the boys' first Gotcha Day on June 18, 2012. It was the one year anniversary of the day the boys came to their new home in the U.S. Many adoptive families celebrate Gotcha Day as the day that they adopted their children or the day they took them into custody. But this date was more significant to us because it really felt like it was the day our whole family "got" Milkanu and Tadesse. When we adopted the boys in April in Ethiopia, they weren't even with us. In fact, we had to wait for our second trip almost 8 weeks later before taking them into custody in Ethiopia. And since Taylor and Preston and the rest of our extended family were not with us during our second trip when we officially took custody of the boys, we decided to wait until we were all together as a family, and make that our "Gotcha Day". We celebrated the day with cake and special teddy bears for the boys while vacationing with Brian's family in southern California (Both Milkanu and Taddie LOVED their first time at the beach!). Next year I hope to make that day even more special by throwing them an Ethiopian themed party and inviting lots of family and friends.
More good: Both boys have grown a ton. Tadesse is pretty much caught up in height and weight with other boys his age. He has grown eight inches since being home with us, which is astounding! It amazes me what a difference proper nutrition makes. Milkanu is still very much on the short side for his age, but he has grown almost 6 inches since Ethiopia, so we're very happy with that. Taddie's language has taken off; in fact, I can't get him to be quiet! It's a close race between he and Preston as to who is the biggest talker in our family (okay, okay, I guess I'm in that running as well!). He is a very easy toddler for the most part. He throws the usual tantrum but he also gets over it very quickly and is back to his fun-loving, happy self in no time. Everywhere we go people comment on his adorable smile and friendliness (he waves and says hi to everyone). I've really enjoyed the one-on-one time I have with him during the day now that all the other three kids are in school. Milkanu, who is now in first grade, continues to do very well in school. I can't get over how good his English is. He is full of love and compassion, and is one of the friendliest kids you'll ever meet. At his kindergarten graduation last spring, all of the kids received candy awards. Milkanu earned the "Almond Joy" award, which is so perfect for him. Outside of home and problems we have had here, he is a very joyful child. His reading, spelling, and math are very good, and his behavior at school is exceptional. He has come a LONG way since June 2011, and I don't want to EVER lose sight of how far he has come. That's why I started this blog focused on the good. But I would not be telling the whole story if I left it at that...
The BAD. "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man [or child!] that lacks self-control." Prov. 25:28
Many people would probably not agree with me telling my child that his behavior or his choice was bad. If I were being PC I guess I would use the term "wrong" instead. But somehow that adjective isn't adequate enough to describe the yelling, hitting, and kicking that comes out of this little body when he is in one of his rages. When I last left off in my blogging I mentioned that Milkanu was undergoing therapy with a wonderful Christian lady. I do believe that the sessions helped him and also helped Brian and I know how to better parent him. However, the therapy didn't "cure" him of all poor behavior of course. We had several months of very few problems, followed by more months of lots of problems. With a child who has gone through trauma, it is very common for cyclical behavior like this. We are often wracking our brains to figure out what was really behind a particular outburst, but have found that it usually goes back to the trauma that he has experienced. Yes, he is a very strong-willed, stubborn child. He is emotionally immature for his age. (Many experts say that for every month spent in an orphanage, a child is delayed physically, mentally and emotionally four months. Milkanu spent 8 months in an orphanage and two more months in a smaller care facility.) BUT, we also believe that he still struggles with fear of abandonment and anger and sadness for losing his birth family. Usually these feelings are buried very deep and reside somewhere in his subconscience, causing him to often answer "I don't know" when we ask him why he got so upset over such a little thing. Sometimes he does recognize it though. About a month ago, after I was saying a prayer at bedtime for his birth family, Milkanu started crying uncontrollably. He told me he missed his birth family and wished he could visit them in Ethiopia. He was also sad that he didn't remember his birth father, who had died when he was younger. As I comforted him in my arms while he cried, my heart was breaking for all his pain I could not take away. But the Lord has often used the memory of that night to help me have more patience and compassion when he slips into the "bad" behavior. Another tactic my husband and I use to help us get through trials with our son is to remember that the "bad" isn't as horrendous as it was those first couple weeks and months home from Ethiopia. Looking back actually helps us to see how far Milkanu has come. And how far we have come...
The UGLY. "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23
I must confess that I was originally going to save this adjective to describe my son's terrible tantrums. But the Lord quickly convicted my heart, causing me to see that the true ugliness lay within my own heart and in the world around me. Were Milkanu's words "I don't love you and you're a bad mommy", spewed out in the heat of anger, ugly? Yes. But what about what I was sometimes thinking about him when he said those words? Were my thoughts a natural, human response to the situation? Probably, yes. But were they also ugly? Yes. In the midst of being kicked, hit, bit, and screamed at, I often doubted my love for this child. I wanted to slap him across the face and shake some sense into him. (Don't go calling CPS, I never actually followed through with this impulse!) I had ugly thoughts. I often doubted God's plan and was angry that he wasn't "fixing" Milkanu fast enough. And then I felt even more awful for even having those thoughts, which made me feel even uglier inside. That ugliness could have brought me deep into the pit of self-abasement and held me captive there, be it not for one thing: the exact opposite of ugliness... BEAUTY. Not my own, of course, as I think I've established how far away I am from that. Truly, the beauty of Jesus Christ and His grace, mercy, patience, strength, and most of all love for me and my family is what has gotten us through this season of our lives. The beauty of His perfect love is what has taught us to love a child that is sometimes unlovable. With so much ugliness in this imperfect world, God's perfect beauty is where my eyes need to be fixed. Over the past several months God has been teaching me to keep my gaze locked on His beauty instead of dwelling on my own mistakes as a parent and on the imperfections of my child.
"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in His temple." Psalm 27:4
Doing that has helped me to have more patience with Milkanu, to show more love to him, and to remember always that although he needs Godly discipline and direction, he also needs huge amounts of empathy and compassion for all that he has been through.
This life we are living on earth is full of the good, the bad, and lots and lots of ugly. We live in an imperfect and fallen world. My youngest two children have experienced a lot of ugliness to a degree that most of us will never face: loss, feelings of abandonment, death of a parent, poverty, hunger, fear. But there is some very GOOD news that we can hold onto if we are children of God, and this is what I will keep striving to teach to my children and reminding myself when I feel like giving up:
"I have told you these things, so that IN ME you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
"Stronger is He..."
Things with Milkanu have been very slowly getting better. He has made a lot of progress. But as I was saying the other day to my sis-in-law Denise, "Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst". This past week we had three good days in a row, and then--BAM! Thursday morning started out very good, but in a blink it turned bad. Really bad. Ugly. Complete meltdown with hitting, scratching, kicking, and (attempted) biting involved. I literally had to have Taylor--my 14-yr.-old daughter--help me hold his hands down so I could ziptie his carseat straps together for safety. He has been known to undo his straps and stand up in the car in defiance when he is really mad. What set him off this time? I won't go into great detail or I'll never get through writing this blog, but basically it was because he wanted to keep playing with his ball and we needed to leave for school. Since he wouldn't budge on his own accord, I had to half-carry, half-drag him down the stairs, out the door, and into the car. I didn't want Taylor to be late for school nor for him to be late for his therapy appointment that morning. Once I finally got him secured, the doors and windows locked (he was opening everything), we made it out the garage and down the road. Even though Taylor had her front seat all the way forward, he was able to kick the back of the seat as hard as he could. He found Taylor's journal and ripped several pages out of it before I was able to get it away from him. He took off his shoes and was going to hurl them full force at me, but, praise the Lord, he resisted. Then he screamed at the top of his lungs and told me he didn't love me, etc., etc. By now, I'm used to that and don't take offense to it. Boy, we must have looked a sight driving down the road with a child flailing in full rage in the backseat...
Here is the most important part of the story, though. I am completely convinced this was a spiritual battle more than it was a physical and emotional one. We were just beginning an important therapy for Milkanu's healing called EMDR (google "EMDR with children" to get an idea what it is), and I knew that Thursday's appointment with the therapist (Melissa) was very important. The night before I had asked several people to please be praying for Milkanu and the therapy appointment. Then Thursday morning came and we had all those problems "out of the blue". I was shaking and upset in the car with my screaming child, but I was able to remain calm with him--even while I was being hit in the arm very hard and scratched with his nails. But as I was driving I felt a swelling of righteous anger within me and I said aloud to Taylor, "This is a spiritual attack, and Satan will NOT get my child. He is a child of God. He (Satan) WILL NOT WIN. He has NO power over my child. Just pray." Taylor and I were both getting emotional at this point and M began to calm down almost immediately after I said those words aloud. I also called Brian to let him know what was going on and asked him to pray for us. Amazingly, Taylor just barely made it to school on time. She later told me that as she rushed to class she had run into the principal (and administrative pastor of the church). He noticed she was shaking and upset, and she was able to tell him what happened so he could be praying. Because her teacher had seen her talking to the pastor, she didn't get in trouble for being a few minutes late to her first class.
We made it to the appointment without further incident; I was even able to convince him to buckle his carseat straps (with a small warning about what might happen if a police officer drove by and saw it unattached--hey, when it comes to my child's safety, I'll do what I have to! Luckily, the ziptie had been holding it together at the chest strap.) When we drove up to Ms. Melissa's office, I was surprised and relieved to see Brian there. Despite responsibilities at work, he knew that I needed him there that morning. So Brian was able to take M inside while I waited outside for Melissa to arrive and fill her in on what had taken place that morning. Had the Lord not impressed it upon Brian to meet us there, I would not have been able to talk to her alone. Praise God, she is a Christian, so I was able to share my thoughts about the spiritual aspect of what had happened. Her eyes filled with tears as she told me that the night before she had almost called me to cancel our appointment because she was feeling so overwhelmed and behind with work responsibilities that week. But she said she felt the Lord telling her she needed to keep Milkanu's appointment. Wow. If I hadn't been convinced before, I was most certainly then convinced there was a major spiritual battle going on. I just knew that Satan did not want us to get to that appointment, and that he was doing all that he could to prevent it. BUT OUR GOD PREVAILED!!! "...stronger is He that is in us than he who is against us." (1 John 4:4). Breaking protocol, right then and there in that parking lot, Melissa and I held hands and prayed together. We were both so thankful that she, I, and Brian were a team in this healing of Milkanu, with our Lord Jesus Christ as the captain. We almost didn't choose Melissa as Milkanu's therapist because her office was so far away, but God kept us together. I know that Melissa and everything that happened that morning and the night before was not a coincidence, but rather a God-incidence. Friends, do not take the spiritual world lightly. "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8) Dear sisters in Christ had not only prayed with me the night before for Milkanu's therapy appointment and the healing of his heart, but also for his salvation. And you know that the enemy did not like that. But Milkanu's Mommy and Daddy are fighting for him when he cannot fight for himself, and we will never let up. And I thank the Lord that so many of you are fighting along with us. Please don't let up. A little boy is depending on all of us...
I will keep you all updated on Milkanu's progress as we move along this next several weeks with more intensive therapy for him. It has been such an exhausting and overwhelming time for our entire family. But I love this reminder below. I found it on the blog of a friend of mine who is in the process of adopting a precious little girl from China. It was written by Derek Loux, singer and adoptive father of eight, who died in a car accident in 2009. I pray that all who read it will be reminded of God's incredible love for us:
"My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."
Here is the most important part of the story, though. I am completely convinced this was a spiritual battle more than it was a physical and emotional one. We were just beginning an important therapy for Milkanu's healing called EMDR (google "EMDR with children" to get an idea what it is), and I knew that Thursday's appointment with the therapist (Melissa) was very important. The night before I had asked several people to please be praying for Milkanu and the therapy appointment. Then Thursday morning came and we had all those problems "out of the blue". I was shaking and upset in the car with my screaming child, but I was able to remain calm with him--even while I was being hit in the arm very hard and scratched with his nails. But as I was driving I felt a swelling of righteous anger within me and I said aloud to Taylor, "This is a spiritual attack, and Satan will NOT get my child. He is a child of God. He (Satan) WILL NOT WIN. He has NO power over my child. Just pray." Taylor and I were both getting emotional at this point and M began to calm down almost immediately after I said those words aloud. I also called Brian to let him know what was going on and asked him to pray for us. Amazingly, Taylor just barely made it to school on time. She later told me that as she rushed to class she had run into the principal (and administrative pastor of the church). He noticed she was shaking and upset, and she was able to tell him what happened so he could be praying. Because her teacher had seen her talking to the pastor, she didn't get in trouble for being a few minutes late to her first class.
We made it to the appointment without further incident; I was even able to convince him to buckle his carseat straps (with a small warning about what might happen if a police officer drove by and saw it unattached--hey, when it comes to my child's safety, I'll do what I have to! Luckily, the ziptie had been holding it together at the chest strap.) When we drove up to Ms. Melissa's office, I was surprised and relieved to see Brian there. Despite responsibilities at work, he knew that I needed him there that morning. So Brian was able to take M inside while I waited outside for Melissa to arrive and fill her in on what had taken place that morning. Had the Lord not impressed it upon Brian to meet us there, I would not have been able to talk to her alone. Praise God, she is a Christian, so I was able to share my thoughts about the spiritual aspect of what had happened. Her eyes filled with tears as she told me that the night before she had almost called me to cancel our appointment because she was feeling so overwhelmed and behind with work responsibilities that week. But she said she felt the Lord telling her she needed to keep Milkanu's appointment. Wow. If I hadn't been convinced before, I was most certainly then convinced there was a major spiritual battle going on. I just knew that Satan did not want us to get to that appointment, and that he was doing all that he could to prevent it. BUT OUR GOD PREVAILED!!! "...stronger is He that is in us than he who is against us." (1 John 4:4). Breaking protocol, right then and there in that parking lot, Melissa and I held hands and prayed together. We were both so thankful that she, I, and Brian were a team in this healing of Milkanu, with our Lord Jesus Christ as the captain. We almost didn't choose Melissa as Milkanu's therapist because her office was so far away, but God kept us together. I know that Melissa and everything that happened that morning and the night before was not a coincidence, but rather a God-incidence. Friends, do not take the spiritual world lightly. "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8) Dear sisters in Christ had not only prayed with me the night before for Milkanu's therapy appointment and the healing of his heart, but also for his salvation. And you know that the enemy did not like that. But Milkanu's Mommy and Daddy are fighting for him when he cannot fight for himself, and we will never let up. And I thank the Lord that so many of you are fighting along with us. Please don't let up. A little boy is depending on all of us...
I will keep you all updated on Milkanu's progress as we move along this next several weeks with more intensive therapy for him. It has been such an exhausting and overwhelming time for our entire family. But I love this reminder below. I found it on the blog of a friend of mine who is in the process of adopting a precious little girl from China. It was written by Derek Loux, singer and adoptive father of eight, who died in a car accident in 2009. I pray that all who read it will be reminded of God's incredible love for us:
"My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."
Saturday, December 31, 2011
We've made it 6 months!!!!!
"Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the Lord and discover the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:2-5
December 18 was probably the most significant day for me since adopting Milkanu and Tadesse on June 18, 2011. It would have been significant enough because it marked 6 months since the boys first came home to our family. It could have been significant enough because it was the boys first time ever seeing snow fall or Milkanu's first time building a snowman. But more significant to me than even all that was what took place in my heart and in a little boy's words of remorse. But to understand the significance of all that, I'll have to back up about a month...
Since the last post I wrote indicated everything was going very smoothly, some of you may be quite shocked to learn of the difficulties that we've had with Milkanu in this past month. But those of you who have experience with children who've endured trauma and deep pain and loss will know that it is very normal for them to have periods of improvements and then set-backs along the way. However, even though we knew this could happen with Milkanu as well, we didn't expect it to be as bad as it has been. Especially because he had been doing SO well for a long period of time. At first it took us awhile to figure out what had triggered his negative behavior, but we did finally conclude that everything began after our trip to Hawaii. Brian and I had taken a week-long getaway to Maui to celebrate our 17th anniversary. Milkanu had been doing so well that we felt confident that he would do fine with us leaving that long. Plus, he was staying at our house with Taylor, Preston, and Nana and Papa Baker (Brian's parents). Milkanu has become very attached to my in-laws, so we felt he would do well. And, in fact, he had no problems at all while we were gone. However, his behavior that has followed in the month since the trip has convinced us that us leaving him probably triggered memories of being separated from his birth family, created fear, anger, and insecurity, and a bunch of other "junk" inside of his little mind. At first we felt so guilty about our trip, but our pastor, adoption caseworker, and the attachment therapist that we are now consulting with all agreed that it was important for Brian and I to take the time alone together to strengthen our marriage and to give us a much needed break from all the stress of the past months.
Since Thanksgiving (the day we came back from Hawaii) we have seen moments of anger and rage in Milkanu that in some ways have been worse than the meltdowns he had in that first month home with us. In the beginning, when he would hit, bite, kick, and pinch it was accompanied by a lot of crying and screaming at the top of his lungs. This past month, however, when he is in "a rage", he is often void of outward emotion. No tears, no remorse, no nothing--except super-human strength, anger, and violence directed at us. Now that he knows a lot of English, he has used it to say very cruel and hateful things to Brian and I: I hate you. I don't love you. I go back to Ethiopia. You're not my Mommy/Daddy. You no cry; I laugh when you cry. You're yucky. Etc. Since the words have happened a few times now, I have gotten used to them and have learned to not take it personally. He has trashed his room, broken toys, ripped up money (his own), broken his door handle, taken off his seatbelt and stood up in the car while I was driving down the freeway, and more. On many recent occasions he has been defiant, destructive, unremorseful, disrespectful, stubborn as hell, and just plain mean. In other words, it has not been pretty.
Most people outside of our family have not seen these behaviors and probably have a hard time believing we're talking about the same kid! They see the sweet, loving, affectionate, outgoing, happy Milkanu. I know in my heart that this is the true Milkanu, and that the pain he has experienced in the past and the fear he still holds onto are the things that are fueling this poor behavior. We know that he has been through more than we could ever imagine experiencing and that we should have immeasurable compassion for him all the time, but when we are in the thick of it with him, it is often hard to react appropriately. We are human and we have our breaking points. Dealing with M has truly been unlike anything we have dealt with before. I'm going to be completely honest here, so please don't report me to the authorities: there have been moments that we've wanted to send him back to Ethiopia. Sounds awful doesn't it? But if you haven't experienced what we have, there is no way you can possibly understand how it feels and how you would feel or act. Thankfully, the Lord has kept those negative feelings to a minimum, and the majority of the time we do feel love and compassion. We know that his behavior is very common and expected, we've read about similar behavior again and again in blogs, in adoption books, and in friends' emails to us. We know that many parents have been where we have been; we are certainly not alone. But it is still very hard.
On a positive note, Milkanu continues to do very well in school and these issues he has at home, stay at home. In fact, his teacher and the principal were pretty surprised when I informed them about what is going on and asked them to be praying for him. I am also the one he tests the most. He tests and disobeys Brian as well, but he seems to challenge me more. But, he is also more attached to me--emotionally and literally. He is often extremally, over-the-top affectionate with me, hugging, kissing, touching my face, wanting to be on my lap, etc. It's obvious that he struggles with his feelings about his birth mom and that connection with me. Often, it's a push and pull with me. I know many parents who have struggled with their adopted child attaching to them, so I feel very fortunate that he is so affectionate. But at times it can be exhausting and almost suffocating for me. BUT, I would gladly take the over-the-top-affection instead of the physical attacks!
So, getting back to Sunday, December 18. We were in Prescott at Brian's parents' house. Brian had already left to go back to Phoenix, but I was planning on staying there with the kids until Tuesday. We had another issue with Milkanu refusing to go to bed. Now, with our birth children we would have spanked them, taken something away, or something else along those lines. And it would have worked. But, Milkanu is nothing like our other children! What worked with parenting them DOES NOT WORK with Milkanu. We can't spank him for obvious reasons (he would not understand we were disciplining out of Christian Biblical principles, and he already has anger and control issues and that would just exasperate him); we can't take anything away (since most of his life he never had anything that was his own, it's not a big deal for him to lose a toy; we can't lock the door to make him stay there because he'll either trash the room in anger and/or break the door down. Let me tell you, it is a very hopeless feeling--to feel like your 6-year-old is in control. That night I had tried everything I could think of. My father-in-law then took over, but that didn't go much better. Finally, I knelt beside his bed and calmly talked with him about what was going on in his heart. We talked about what he was feeling and why he was resisting bedtime. I stayed calm and kept my voice loving and positive. I asked him if he wanted to pray together to ask God to help him to listen and obey. It worked!!!! He eventually told me he was sorry and asked for forgiveness for his disobedience. Then he told me something that was so simple, so obvious, and exactly what Brian had been telling me to do for the past month: "Mommy, when I am feeling sad and angry inside, and you and Daddy talk to me, I feel much better." You are probably reading this and thinking that I should have known all along that would work better than threatening, raising my voice, getting frustrated with him, or walking away. In fact, that's what all the experts say to do. And I'm not saying that I always reacted badly to Milkanu's bad behavior, or that I never talked to him about his feelings. But more often than I would like to admit, my patience was short and the side of me that was fighting to control the situation won out. In parenting Milkanu, not only have I been struggling with patience, but I have been also fighting to win the battles with him. In my mind (and due to previous parenting that worked with Taylor and Preston), I had to always win the argument so he would respect my authority and know that I knew what was best for him. But this approach did not work with Milkanu. Time after time I knew that my methods were not working, but I just couldn't seem to correct my behavior. That night, after hearing his genuine, innocent words and seeing the positive outcome of how I was reacting to him, my heart changed. That's not to say that since then I haven't had moments of weakness and slipped back into my old ways at times, but I have tried much harder to parent differently. And the majority of the time the results are far better.
Even though we have seen some improvement in Milkanu's behavior and we truly feel like we have turned a corner for the better, we're still having problems with him. So we decided a few weeks ago to get him into a child therapist who specializes in children who have been adopted at an older age and struggle with the types of feelings and behaviors that are common to Milkanu. She is a Christian and she was recommended to us through our social worker. We met her already and feel very positive about her being able to help Milkanu. He will meet with her for the first time next week, so please pray that that meeting goes well. He has told me some things that have happened at the orphanage to him (by other kids), and I know that--along with the abandonment issues--plays a big role in his trauma. She said that as more comes to the surface that he is repressing or doesn't want to talk about, behavior could get worse before it gets better. That is a little scary to us, so please keep us in your prayers!
On that note, I must thank many of you again from the bottom of my heart. I know my family and many close friends have been praying for us daily throughout these past six months, and praying more fervently when I reached out to you in these past few weeks. I can tell you honestly that your prayers have made all the difference. Although we are far from perfect, I feel that through the Lord's help both Brian and I have become much better parents for Milkanu. It is only by the grace of God that we've been able to do that, and your intercession has brought that about. I treasure you all dearly, and just pray that I can return the favor and blessing to you in your time of need now or in the future. Please let us know how we can pray for you!
God bless you all in the new year.
December 18 was probably the most significant day for me since adopting Milkanu and Tadesse on June 18, 2011. It would have been significant enough because it marked 6 months since the boys first came home to our family. It could have been significant enough because it was the boys first time ever seeing snow fall or Milkanu's first time building a snowman. But more significant to me than even all that was what took place in my heart and in a little boy's words of remorse. But to understand the significance of all that, I'll have to back up about a month...
Since the last post I wrote indicated everything was going very smoothly, some of you may be quite shocked to learn of the difficulties that we've had with Milkanu in this past month. But those of you who have experience with children who've endured trauma and deep pain and loss will know that it is very normal for them to have periods of improvements and then set-backs along the way. However, even though we knew this could happen with Milkanu as well, we didn't expect it to be as bad as it has been. Especially because he had been doing SO well for a long period of time. At first it took us awhile to figure out what had triggered his negative behavior, but we did finally conclude that everything began after our trip to Hawaii. Brian and I had taken a week-long getaway to Maui to celebrate our 17th anniversary. Milkanu had been doing so well that we felt confident that he would do fine with us leaving that long. Plus, he was staying at our house with Taylor, Preston, and Nana and Papa Baker (Brian's parents). Milkanu has become very attached to my in-laws, so we felt he would do well. And, in fact, he had no problems at all while we were gone. However, his behavior that has followed in the month since the trip has convinced us that us leaving him probably triggered memories of being separated from his birth family, created fear, anger, and insecurity, and a bunch of other "junk" inside of his little mind. At first we felt so guilty about our trip, but our pastor, adoption caseworker, and the attachment therapist that we are now consulting with all agreed that it was important for Brian and I to take the time alone together to strengthen our marriage and to give us a much needed break from all the stress of the past months.
Since Thanksgiving (the day we came back from Hawaii) we have seen moments of anger and rage in Milkanu that in some ways have been worse than the meltdowns he had in that first month home with us. In the beginning, when he would hit, bite, kick, and pinch it was accompanied by a lot of crying and screaming at the top of his lungs. This past month, however, when he is in "a rage", he is often void of outward emotion. No tears, no remorse, no nothing--except super-human strength, anger, and violence directed at us. Now that he knows a lot of English, he has used it to say very cruel and hateful things to Brian and I: I hate you. I don't love you. I go back to Ethiopia. You're not my Mommy/Daddy. You no cry; I laugh when you cry. You're yucky. Etc. Since the words have happened a few times now, I have gotten used to them and have learned to not take it personally. He has trashed his room, broken toys, ripped up money (his own), broken his door handle, taken off his seatbelt and stood up in the car while I was driving down the freeway, and more. On many recent occasions he has been defiant, destructive, unremorseful, disrespectful, stubborn as hell, and just plain mean. In other words, it has not been pretty.
Most people outside of our family have not seen these behaviors and probably have a hard time believing we're talking about the same kid! They see the sweet, loving, affectionate, outgoing, happy Milkanu. I know in my heart that this is the true Milkanu, and that the pain he has experienced in the past and the fear he still holds onto are the things that are fueling this poor behavior. We know that he has been through more than we could ever imagine experiencing and that we should have immeasurable compassion for him all the time, but when we are in the thick of it with him, it is often hard to react appropriately. We are human and we have our breaking points. Dealing with M has truly been unlike anything we have dealt with before. I'm going to be completely honest here, so please don't report me to the authorities: there have been moments that we've wanted to send him back to Ethiopia. Sounds awful doesn't it? But if you haven't experienced what we have, there is no way you can possibly understand how it feels and how you would feel or act. Thankfully, the Lord has kept those negative feelings to a minimum, and the majority of the time we do feel love and compassion. We know that his behavior is very common and expected, we've read about similar behavior again and again in blogs, in adoption books, and in friends' emails to us. We know that many parents have been where we have been; we are certainly not alone. But it is still very hard.
On a positive note, Milkanu continues to do very well in school and these issues he has at home, stay at home. In fact, his teacher and the principal were pretty surprised when I informed them about what is going on and asked them to be praying for him. I am also the one he tests the most. He tests and disobeys Brian as well, but he seems to challenge me more. But, he is also more attached to me--emotionally and literally. He is often extremally, over-the-top affectionate with me, hugging, kissing, touching my face, wanting to be on my lap, etc. It's obvious that he struggles with his feelings about his birth mom and that connection with me. Often, it's a push and pull with me. I know many parents who have struggled with their adopted child attaching to them, so I feel very fortunate that he is so affectionate. But at times it can be exhausting and almost suffocating for me. BUT, I would gladly take the over-the-top-affection instead of the physical attacks!
So, getting back to Sunday, December 18. We were in Prescott at Brian's parents' house. Brian had already left to go back to Phoenix, but I was planning on staying there with the kids until Tuesday. We had another issue with Milkanu refusing to go to bed. Now, with our birth children we would have spanked them, taken something away, or something else along those lines. And it would have worked. But, Milkanu is nothing like our other children! What worked with parenting them DOES NOT WORK with Milkanu. We can't spank him for obvious reasons (he would not understand we were disciplining out of Christian Biblical principles, and he already has anger and control issues and that would just exasperate him); we can't take anything away (since most of his life he never had anything that was his own, it's not a big deal for him to lose a toy; we can't lock the door to make him stay there because he'll either trash the room in anger and/or break the door down. Let me tell you, it is a very hopeless feeling--to feel like your 6-year-old is in control. That night I had tried everything I could think of. My father-in-law then took over, but that didn't go much better. Finally, I knelt beside his bed and calmly talked with him about what was going on in his heart. We talked about what he was feeling and why he was resisting bedtime. I stayed calm and kept my voice loving and positive. I asked him if he wanted to pray together to ask God to help him to listen and obey. It worked!!!! He eventually told me he was sorry and asked for forgiveness for his disobedience. Then he told me something that was so simple, so obvious, and exactly what Brian had been telling me to do for the past month: "Mommy, when I am feeling sad and angry inside, and you and Daddy talk to me, I feel much better." You are probably reading this and thinking that I should have known all along that would work better than threatening, raising my voice, getting frustrated with him, or walking away. In fact, that's what all the experts say to do. And I'm not saying that I always reacted badly to Milkanu's bad behavior, or that I never talked to him about his feelings. But more often than I would like to admit, my patience was short and the side of me that was fighting to control the situation won out. In parenting Milkanu, not only have I been struggling with patience, but I have been also fighting to win the battles with him. In my mind (and due to previous parenting that worked with Taylor and Preston), I had to always win the argument so he would respect my authority and know that I knew what was best for him. But this approach did not work with Milkanu. Time after time I knew that my methods were not working, but I just couldn't seem to correct my behavior. That night, after hearing his genuine, innocent words and seeing the positive outcome of how I was reacting to him, my heart changed. That's not to say that since then I haven't had moments of weakness and slipped back into my old ways at times, but I have tried much harder to parent differently. And the majority of the time the results are far better.
Even though we have seen some improvement in Milkanu's behavior and we truly feel like we have turned a corner for the better, we're still having problems with him. So we decided a few weeks ago to get him into a child therapist who specializes in children who have been adopted at an older age and struggle with the types of feelings and behaviors that are common to Milkanu. She is a Christian and she was recommended to us through our social worker. We met her already and feel very positive about her being able to help Milkanu. He will meet with her for the first time next week, so please pray that that meeting goes well. He has told me some things that have happened at the orphanage to him (by other kids), and I know that--along with the abandonment issues--plays a big role in his trauma. She said that as more comes to the surface that he is repressing or doesn't want to talk about, behavior could get worse before it gets better. That is a little scary to us, so please keep us in your prayers!
On that note, I must thank many of you again from the bottom of my heart. I know my family and many close friends have been praying for us daily throughout these past six months, and praying more fervently when I reached out to you in these past few weeks. I can tell you honestly that your prayers have made all the difference. Although we are far from perfect, I feel that through the Lord's help both Brian and I have become much better parents for Milkanu. It is only by the grace of God that we've been able to do that, and your intercession has brought that about. I treasure you all dearly, and just pray that I can return the favor and blessing to you in your time of need now or in the future. Please let us know how we can pray for you!
God bless you all in the new year.
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