Part II

(If you haven't already read Part I, scroll down and read that first so that this blog will make more sense.)

So there I was, feeling distanced from and disillusioned with God. Yet God in His love and grace met me where I was. Even though I wasn't praying during that time (I couldn't, just then), I know others were interceding for me. To you, dear friends and family, I am forever grateful. I really did feel your prayers. I realized that we had done everything we could do to "help" a pregnancy to happen, and even though it was all just really an illusion of control that I thought I held, I did finally release control completely after that weekend. I had to, because that door had been closed for us. But it didn't just close, it felt like it had been slammed shut! As I mentioned in the other blog: I had reached the end of myself. And when I did, something amazing happened. God opened another door that I NEVER would have expected Him to open. And that door was called "Foster Parenting".

Brian brought up the subject to me just a few days after we found out I wasn't pregnant. It was very unexpected. It was very GOD. No other way can I explain Brian having this on his heart. We have never discussed doing this, and to be honest, I never really wanted to. I didn't think I could handle getting emotionally attached to a child and then giving him or her away. I didn't know anything about fostering. I didn't think Brian would EVER consider doing it. Once I got over the initial shock, I started to really think about it. I would love to say that I got down on my knees that night and started to pray about it right away. But I was still angry with God and wasn't ready to turn to Him yet. Amazingly though, God still spoke to my heart regarding this issue. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I think what especially got to me was one thing that Brian said when he brought this up. He told me that he felt like fostering was the best way that we could change a child's life in a very powerful way. Looking back, I shouldn't be shocked that Brian wanted to do this because I see how God has gifted him with the ability to positively influence and get through to children and teenagers. I've seen it with my own kids especially, but also with those he has coached in volleyball and soccer, and those we were involved with as high school leaders when we were first married. He really has made a difference in their lives, and he received much fulfillment doing it. He has always been great at putting the needs of those he cares about before his own.

The next day, even though I hadn't really prayed much about it, I told him that I would like to look into the idea more, but that I was seriously considering it. I just felt this calmness and peace washing over me that this was what we were supposed to do. Since it was so far from anything I would have thought of, I knew that it could only be from God! It just felt right. But it was very important to me that Brian was open to adoption if a child we were fostering became available for that and we felt God leading us in that direction. If that wasn't even a possibility for him, I could not agree to it because I don't think my heart could handle it. We agreed to find out more information, pray about it together and separately, and to talk with the kids about it. The kids were thrilled with the idea, so no worries there. Our families have also been very supportive. These past two months, we have both received several confirmations from the Lord in unique and powerful ways that this is the direction we are supposed to be going. (In future blogs, I will share one of those.)

Fast forward to now... We have selected a Christian agency who is contracted through the state to provide our training, help us get all the paperwork and home studies done, etc. Our classes begin April 8th and they continue for 10 weeks, once a week for three hours each class. Once the 30 hours are completed and all the other paperwork, fingerprinting, references, background checks, home studies, etc. are done, we will hopefully be licensed as foster parents by this summer. Then it's just a matter of waiting for a child or children (we'd take up to three at a time) to be placed with us. In blogs ahead, I will journal about the process and the emotional struggles and joys along the way--I'm sure there will be many!

This is such a new direction for our lives. I would have never chosen this journey myself. But that is what is so amazing about the whole thing. God, in His infinite wisdom, knew this was the plan all along. For awhile I questioned all the fertility stuff that we went through. So much money and heartache and stress were wrapped up in the last 2-1/2 years of our life. If God had shown us much earlier that we were supposed to foster instead, it would have been way easier! Why did we have to go through all of it? But very quickly God showed me that I would not have been ready 2-1/2 years ago. He knew that I needed to go through all the infertility in order to get to a place where I would say "yes" to foster parenting. I needed to exhaust all options first. Not that I'm giving up on getting pregnant. However unlikely it is, it could definitely still happen for us in the future. But, amazingly, I am so content with the direction we are going. I am okay with not getting pregnant if it never happens. That is completely a God thing, because for the past 5 years I couldn't say that. I still want a child very badly, and I feel certain still that God is going to give us our hearts' desire. Just not in the way that we expected.

I have more to say about this journey and what God has revealed to me about it, but I will save that for my next blog since this one is rather long. :) Please be praying for our family in this new adventure. There are so many unknowns ahead. I think this experience will stretch us in ways we never imagined. We are nervous, yet excited to see what God is going to do. We know that He has something amazing planned. He hasn't been doing all this build up for nothing!

Reaching the End of Myself--Part I

"Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see." Corrie ten Boom

I must apologize for how long it has been since my last blog. A lot has happened since then. Because I have so much to say, this will probably end up being a two-part blog. For the past two months I have been in a place of peace and contentment regarding our future. It's a place I have not been in (at least for any period of time) for many years. But it was not an easy road getting here. It truly took divine intervention to reach this place, and I first had to come to the end of myself. I had to fully realize the depth of my insufficiency. Only then could I completely surrender to God's will for us in having more children. And, oh, was I surprised the direction that the Lord took us in the end! But let me back up a bit...

November 27, 2010, 3 a.m. (approximately 2 weeks after the 5th IUI procedure): I woke up to find that I had started my period. As I wrote about in my last blog, with having 7 mature follicles and a successful IUI procedure, it seemed very positive that I would get pregnant that month. I cannot tell you how shocked and upset I was, knowing that was the last infertility procedure we were going to do. I laid in bed, literally crying out to God in anger and despair. Brian just held me as I wept uncontrollably for a long time. The next day I cried some more as I told my mom the news, but most of the day I was just numb. I wrote a short email to a few of my family and friends explaining what happened, but I didn't want to talk with anyone. I don't think I've ever felt more angry or confused with God. I couldn't even pray, because I didn't have the words. I kept going over and over in my head the last couple of years and all the times I felt God was leading us down a particular path. I had felt so sure that we had been in God's will and had followed His lead in all of our decisions regarding infertility treatment. From the vasectomy reversal almost 3 years ago, to the first three IUI procedures, to the new infertility doctor, to two more infertility procedures with injectible drugs. For several days I just kept thinking God was far away and that I had misread His direction all along. Then, to make things worse, I felt like a big phony and a horrible example to my family and friends for feeling the way that I did. Where was my faith? How dare I be angry at God! Why couldn't I "put it into perspective". It's not like I just found out I had cancer or that a loved one died. It's not like I had been pregnant and then miscarried, like has just happened to two of my closest friends. It's not like I didn't have any children, like so many other couples struggling with infertility. It seemed so selfish to be that upset over a pregnancy that never happened. But for me, it was the death of a dream. (Those of you who have experienced infertility can relate. Those of you who haven't, I pray that through reading my blogs you can be more understanding of those who have gone through it, even though on the outside it seems like they are overreacting. Infertility is difficult to fully understand unless you've been through it month after month, year after year.) So there I was: completely helpless, completely hopeless, completely where God wanted me to be.

(Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow...)