PREPARING OUR HEARTS...
Yesterday I was sitting in a chair in our backyard by our pool, reading my Bible. In the tree next to me, a momma dove was sitting in her nest, preparing to soon lay her eggs. This past week I have watched her through our large family room windows, carefully and methodically building her nest. Over and over she would fly a single twig over to the tree and gently lay it in place. She was preparing a place for her new baby birds soon to come. It suddenly dawned on me that this is what God has been doing all along with our family. He has been lovingly preparing our hearts and our family over these past years to be fully ready for the child or children He is bringing to us. Piece by piece He had been laying down the foundation. Each experience--from my years of praying for Brian's heart to be changed, to the vasectomy reversal, to the infertility, to the new doctor, to the idea of foster parenting--has been like a layer of twigs being layed while building a nest. Each twig is carefully chosen and important to the structure of the home the bird is building. I believe that God allowed or orchestrated all these things to happen to our family in order to prepare us for where He has now brought us. Not only is He preparing us to be ready for a child or children from another country, but He is also preparing us for the child's sake. The word prepare means "to fit, adapt or qualify for a particular purpose; to make all things ready; to put things in order." It's exciting to me to think that this is just the "small picture" here on earth that God is preparing our family for right now. In the "big picture" though, He is preparing us not only for an eternity spent with Him, but also the eternities of generations of our family yet to come! Pretty mindblowing.
Some of you may think we are indecisive and have chosen many wrong roads before getting to the right one; that we misread God all these years. From the outside it probably looks like that. And I'm not saying we never made a wrong choice or decision along the way. But I feel strongly that God was in control the whole time, like I said in the last blog. In the decisions we made, we felt like we were being led by the Lord to make them. Much time was spent in prayer, fasting, reading scripture, seeking godly counsel, and confirmation from not only God's Word, but the words of godly people around us. I think God took us down the path He needed us to go on to get us where we are today. Each "twig" built upon the other. For some, God takes them on a direct, obvious path to reach where He is leading them. For others (most?) the path is not so clear, with many detours along the way!
I can't say that I loved many of the experiences we went through while we were going through them. At times, the pain, frustration, and hopelessness seemed unbearable. It was uncomfortable. The little momma dove built her nest out of bent, hard, uncomfortable twigs in a tree full of thorny branches. (I know this because while I was inspecting her in her nest a little more closely, one of the thorns caught my arm!) Yet she lined it with soft, downy feathers. God has done that for us. Though the journey has been painful, He has protected us. In the softness of His warm embrace we can find rest and peace. I have been comforted by Him in uncomfortable situations more times in the past years than I can count. I love how the Lord provided this little dove to remind me of His promises. I read in a Bible encyclopedia that in scripture, the wings of a dove symbolized love. Many of you know I have a small tattoo of a dove with a cross on my ankle as a symbol of the Holy Spirit living in me. When I look at it now, it has even more meaning to me than even it did before. It's a reminder of how God has been protecting and preparing me throughout my life.
I'll close with these beautiful words inspired by our Lord:
"For You have been my help. I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 63:7
"He will cover you with his feathers. Under His wings you will take refuge. His faithfulness is your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4
Blessings to you all!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
New direction, same journey
Some of you who do not know what I am about to say may be shocked by this blog. Last you knew, we were planning to become foster parents. But once again, God has moved us in a different direction. Although to some this may seem sudden, I assure you that it was born in our hearts almost five years ago, but it just took this long for God to bring our initial desire/prayer to fruition. What seems on the outside like a crooked path, surrounded by changed plans, sorrowful failures, and misguided intentions, is in reality what God had planned for us all along. Though it does not seem this way from our point of view, to God this path was straight. I KNOW this for a fact because throughout this whole journey we have trusted God with our future, even when we didn't understand His ways. Proverbs 3:5,6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
So... this different direction God has moved us in is to internationally adopt a child or children from Ethiopia. Some may ask how we went from infertility to foster parenting to adoption. (I know our homestudy caseworker was wondering that very same thing!) Seems a little crazy, huh? But the seed of adoption had been planted long before the infertility began, and I believe God used the idea of foster parenting as a transition period for us to be ready to move from infertility to international adoption. Let me take you back almost five years ago to my journal entry documenting when this all began:
"August 10, 2005: After being almost a week late for my cycle to start, Brian and I talked for the first time about the possibility of having more children. We realized we both welcomed the idea and have even discussed pursuing international adoption if I'm not pregnant. We've bought adoption books and talked with Brian's parents about helping us financially because we don't have the money for it. I can hardly believe this is happening! Lord, on this decision, give us guidance, faith, and patience for your will and your timing. Show us your plan and give Brian and I mutual agreement and conviction in our hearts."
"August 12, 2005: My cycle began, which is very disappointing, yet I KNOW God delayed it for a reason. We may not have ever approached the subject and considered it so greatly if I hadn't thought I might be pregnant. When I was late, we both realized how much we wanted another baby. I can't explain how strong these feelings are. I know for sure this is what I want. It just feels so right in so many ways. We don't know how we'll handle it financially, but we also know it will be a faith thing. Lord, give us peace about whatever path you choose for our family. Let it be a path YOU ALONE lead us down, not one we choose on our own without your help. I pray we'll have support from our family and friends and that you will take care of us financially. We have no idea how we'll afford this. Please grow our faith. Amen."
A few weeks later, Brian's heart changed. He no longer thought adoption was the right path for us. To this day, I believe with all my soul that God either changed Brian's heart away from adoption or He at least allowed the change to take place, all for a greater purpose in HIS timing. Though I prayed for God to take away my longing for a child since it was not in line with my husband's heart anymore, God in His great wisdom did not grant me that wish. Instead, He taught me tremendous lessons in patience, hope, perseverance in prayer, submission to my husband, and complete faith in HIS plans and timing instead of my own.
Fast forward to today: four years and nine months later. A little over a month ago Brian came to me with heavy reservations he was having about pursuing foster parenting. I won't go into all the details, but the main concerns he had were with the life adjustments we would have to make and how we (me, in particular) would handle giving a child up to their biological parents once the fostering period was over. I had always said that if God wanted us to do this, HE alone would provide a way for me to cope with it. Yet, once Brian raised the concerns, I began to really ponder the thoughts that I had largely ignored in my desire to have more children in our family. Since I had already admitted to the social worker, my husband, and others that my ultimate desire was to eventually adopt one or more of the children we were fostering (a desire Brian shared), it seemed quite obvious that we were going about things in an indirect way. Brian told me he still wanted more children, but he just didn't think that fostering was going to be right for us. Then he brought up the idea of international adoption. This statement floored me, because after we were done with infertility treatment, I thought fostering was our only option in Brian's mind. Also, international adoption was what my heart had longed for from the very beginning, so I couldn't believe my ears that Brian was now suggesting it again. What meant the most to me though, was when Brian said that He wanted to pray about it together and separate before we made any decisions. He knew that God needed to be our ultimate leader in this. The more we prayed about it, the more convinced we both were that fostering was not right for us at this time in our lives (maybe in the future?) and that adopting from Ethiopia was the right thing.
Since making that decision, choosing an international agency, beginning our paperwork, and getting ready to begin our homestudy process this Thursday with a case worker from the Christian agency we were going to use for fostering, we have had such peace and joy. I know I said that many times along the way regarding different aspects of this (almost) five-year journey. But the truth is we did feel God's direction and peace about all those decisions we made. We believe He directed our hearts. He has always been in control even when things seemed to be spirally out of control! As far as fostering goes, I think one of the big reasons God put that on our hearts was for transition. Experts stress the importance of healing from infertility before jumping into adoption. I am sure that the transition was much easier for me that it would be for a childless woman, because I already have two biological children. But, as I mentioned in other blogs, I was devastated after the last infertility treatment failed until Brian brought up the possibility of fostering. Even though in the big picture I had hopes of adoption in the future, it gave me something tangible to hold onto until that time. The idea that we could change a child's life through fostering was very appealing to both of us. It brought us both to a closer state of selflessness. It wasn't about what I wanted anymore, but what God wanted and how He wanted to use us. At the time, though, we didn't realize God was also using the fostering to pave a way for international adoption.
Timing was everything. Had we adopted five years ago our faiths would have been less mature, our marriage would not have been as strong, our children would not have witnessed living out their faith first-hand, our finances would have been tight, and our story would not have touched other's lives. I would not have learned about submission to my husband's leadership, persistence in praying for my heart's desire, endurance in trials, nor hope in the most hopeless situations. And God knew what Brian needed and the direction he needed to go to get back to the plan God had originally started in his heart. God knew what He was doing all along, even when we didn't! I can honestly say it was all worth it, and I am so thankful for all we've been through all these years. Can't wait to see what He has planned next!
(Watch for Part II of this blog coming later today!)
So... this different direction God has moved us in is to internationally adopt a child or children from Ethiopia. Some may ask how we went from infertility to foster parenting to adoption. (I know our homestudy caseworker was wondering that very same thing!) Seems a little crazy, huh? But the seed of adoption had been planted long before the infertility began, and I believe God used the idea of foster parenting as a transition period for us to be ready to move from infertility to international adoption. Let me take you back almost five years ago to my journal entry documenting when this all began:
"August 10, 2005: After being almost a week late for my cycle to start, Brian and I talked for the first time about the possibility of having more children. We realized we both welcomed the idea and have even discussed pursuing international adoption if I'm not pregnant. We've bought adoption books and talked with Brian's parents about helping us financially because we don't have the money for it. I can hardly believe this is happening! Lord, on this decision, give us guidance, faith, and patience for your will and your timing. Show us your plan and give Brian and I mutual agreement and conviction in our hearts."
"August 12, 2005: My cycle began, which is very disappointing, yet I KNOW God delayed it for a reason. We may not have ever approached the subject and considered it so greatly if I hadn't thought I might be pregnant. When I was late, we both realized how much we wanted another baby. I can't explain how strong these feelings are. I know for sure this is what I want. It just feels so right in so many ways. We don't know how we'll handle it financially, but we also know it will be a faith thing. Lord, give us peace about whatever path you choose for our family. Let it be a path YOU ALONE lead us down, not one we choose on our own without your help. I pray we'll have support from our family and friends and that you will take care of us financially. We have no idea how we'll afford this. Please grow our faith. Amen."
A few weeks later, Brian's heart changed. He no longer thought adoption was the right path for us. To this day, I believe with all my soul that God either changed Brian's heart away from adoption or He at least allowed the change to take place, all for a greater purpose in HIS timing. Though I prayed for God to take away my longing for a child since it was not in line with my husband's heart anymore, God in His great wisdom did not grant me that wish. Instead, He taught me tremendous lessons in patience, hope, perseverance in prayer, submission to my husband, and complete faith in HIS plans and timing instead of my own.
Fast forward to today: four years and nine months later. A little over a month ago Brian came to me with heavy reservations he was having about pursuing foster parenting. I won't go into all the details, but the main concerns he had were with the life adjustments we would have to make and how we (me, in particular) would handle giving a child up to their biological parents once the fostering period was over. I had always said that if God wanted us to do this, HE alone would provide a way for me to cope with it. Yet, once Brian raised the concerns, I began to really ponder the thoughts that I had largely ignored in my desire to have more children in our family. Since I had already admitted to the social worker, my husband, and others that my ultimate desire was to eventually adopt one or more of the children we were fostering (a desire Brian shared), it seemed quite obvious that we were going about things in an indirect way. Brian told me he still wanted more children, but he just didn't think that fostering was going to be right for us. Then he brought up the idea of international adoption. This statement floored me, because after we were done with infertility treatment, I thought fostering was our only option in Brian's mind. Also, international adoption was what my heart had longed for from the very beginning, so I couldn't believe my ears that Brian was now suggesting it again. What meant the most to me though, was when Brian said that He wanted to pray about it together and separate before we made any decisions. He knew that God needed to be our ultimate leader in this. The more we prayed about it, the more convinced we both were that fostering was not right for us at this time in our lives (maybe in the future?) and that adopting from Ethiopia was the right thing.
Since making that decision, choosing an international agency, beginning our paperwork, and getting ready to begin our homestudy process this Thursday with a case worker from the Christian agency we were going to use for fostering, we have had such peace and joy. I know I said that many times along the way regarding different aspects of this (almost) five-year journey. But the truth is we did feel God's direction and peace about all those decisions we made. We believe He directed our hearts. He has always been in control even when things seemed to be spirally out of control! As far as fostering goes, I think one of the big reasons God put that on our hearts was for transition. Experts stress the importance of healing from infertility before jumping into adoption. I am sure that the transition was much easier for me that it would be for a childless woman, because I already have two biological children. But, as I mentioned in other blogs, I was devastated after the last infertility treatment failed until Brian brought up the possibility of fostering. Even though in the big picture I had hopes of adoption in the future, it gave me something tangible to hold onto until that time. The idea that we could change a child's life through fostering was very appealing to both of us. It brought us both to a closer state of selflessness. It wasn't about what I wanted anymore, but what God wanted and how He wanted to use us. At the time, though, we didn't realize God was also using the fostering to pave a way for international adoption.
Timing was everything. Had we adopted five years ago our faiths would have been less mature, our marriage would not have been as strong, our children would not have witnessed living out their faith first-hand, our finances would have been tight, and our story would not have touched other's lives. I would not have learned about submission to my husband's leadership, persistence in praying for my heart's desire, endurance in trials, nor hope in the most hopeless situations. And God knew what Brian needed and the direction he needed to go to get back to the plan God had originally started in his heart. God knew what He was doing all along, even when we didn't! I can honestly say it was all worth it, and I am so thankful for all we've been through all these years. Can't wait to see what He has planned next!
(Watch for Part II of this blog coming later today!)
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