Just over five years ago, a little boy was born in Ethiopia, Africa. Within a month of his birth, God planted a seed in the hearts of a man and woman in America. That couple--after years of feeling their family was complete--suddenly had the desire to adopt a child internationally. Because that boy was not ready to come home to his new family yet, God changed the man's heart for a short while. Over the next two years, the woman continued to pray and plead with God for a baby to come to their family. God answered her prayer by changing her husband's heart to be in line with her own. But it was still not time for the little boy from Ethiopia to come to his new home, and God was still working on the man and the woman in America. He wanted the couple to grow closer in their relationship, to draw nearer to Himself, and to strengthen their faith. In His infinite wisdom, God allowed three more years of difficult infertility to pass.
One year ago TODAY, December 3, 2009, another little boy was born in Ethiopia. He was the brother to the first boy, who is now five years old. Within that same week of his birth, the man and woman suffered through their last failed infertility treatment. They decided they would not pursue any further treatments. They decided they would like to foster children and perhaps adopt if that was in God's plan. The woman had never before considered adopting an older child, but miraculously, she felt a tremendous amount of peace all at once, despite not knowing what the future held for their family. She just knew that everything would work out okay.
The story sounds pretty miraculous don't you think? We believe it is nothing short of a miracle that we will be adopting one-year-old T (we can't reveal their names until the adoption is finalized) and 5-year-old M. God has been weaving a beautiful tapestry, intertwining our lives with these precious little boys whom we have not yet even met. Not only was I amazed when God revealed to me the precise timing of the boys births with what He was also doing in our lives simultaneously, but we are also amazed that this has all happened so quickly. I'll try to take you through how it all happened:
In less than a month, we received our approval from USCIS (immigration) to bring a child from a foreign country to the U.S. It usually takes six weeks to four months, so that's a miracle in itself. We received the approval letter the Friday before Thanksgiving. I emailed our caseworker Patty at WACAP to see if we would now be on the Ethiopian waitlist for adoption since we had our I600A approval. Patty called me the following Monday to talk to me about the waitlist, how it worked, how many families were in front of us with similiar child requests, etc. Then she asked if we would possibly be interested in hearing about two siblings that were available for adoption that were a little outside of our age requests, but that she felt just might be right for us. (We were open to either gender, ages birth to 4 years old, siblings.) You have to understand how rare it is that a family completely skips going on the waitlist and goes right to being matched with a child or children. Out of more than 100 families, we were the only family that fit the closest to the referral. Most families want at least one girl and/or children closer in age and younger.
As soon as she started to tell me about these boys, I knew these were to be our sons. I could hardly breathe. As soon as Brian came home, we talked, looked at the emailed medical information on the boys, and decided we felt a strong enough pull to open the pictures. If we had had any doubts at that point, all of them melted away when we saw their beautiful faces. We talked briefly with each other and the kids, prayed for confirmation, and in less than a few hours we were absolutely sure we wanted to accept this referral. It just felt completely right. Again, this was a miracle, because just four months ago I didn't want to adopt a child older than 2-1/2 year. Then we changed that to three years old, then a few months later to four years old. But even though our son will probably be five and a half before we bring him home, I just know that God chose him before he was even born to one day be a part of our family.
Despite the excitement of being matched with the children we are going to adopt, it will be difficult because we have to wait possibly up to four months before we meet them for the first time. That longer wait is because our paperwork is not yet in Ethiopia. The normal procedure is: get your USCIS approval, get on the waitlist, and then while you are waiting for six months to a more than a year to be matched with a child, your paperwork is all completed, sent to Ethiopia, and ready to go once you are matched. But because we skipped the waitlist, we have to wait for all our paperwork to "catch up".
So here is what we can expect to happen now: our homestudy has to be updated (to reflect we are approved to adopt a child up to six years of age) by our caseworker here and then sent to WACAP. This will be added to our dossier, along with our approved I600A application (immigration). Then WACAP will send the entire dossier to the U.S. Sec. of State to be verified. Then it will be sent back to WACAP with the appropriate verification signatures. After that, WACAP will send it to Ethiopia and it will be notarized by them. Then it will be translated, reviewed, and the translated copy will need to be verified. Then it gets submitted, reviewed, and we receive a court date. That probably won't happen until early February. Once we receive a court date--which probably won't be until April--we will travel to Ethiopia to meet our boys for the first time at the orphanage. During our weeklong stay, we will also meet some of the birth family (hopefully) and officially adopt the boys. Then they will be transferred from the orphanage to Addis Ababa, the capital of Ethiopia, to the WACAP house (owned and operated by our international adoption agency). They will stay there until our next trip and court date with the embassy, which will probably be 6-8 weeks later. So it may not be until May or June before we can bring them all the way home to live with us.
Although it's difficult to wait for them now that we know their names and have memorized their faces, we know that God is using this time to help prepare our family and these boys. Please pray mostly for them. They have only been in the orphanage a little more than two months. They have already suffered tremendous loss, and I'm sure they are frightened and sad. This will be so confusing for them, and they will need much prayer now and in the future. I know this won't be easy, but I also know that this is all part of God's plan, so He will work it all for good. We are praising Him for His many miracles in this. I can't completely wrap my mind around all of it yet. I am just so grateful and humbled by it all. Truly nothing is impossible with God. I would never have imagined 5 years ago that our lives would take this direction. Even though I was absolutely convinced that we would somehow have another child someday, I never thought it would turn out like this. My plans were so different from God's, but His were so much better!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
What's happening now...
Tomorrow is the big day of our fingerprinting appointment at the local immigration office. Even though we've been fingerprinted before for our adoption certification for the state, this one is for our I-600A form (petition to bring an orphan into the U.S.). After our prints have been fully checked out at a federal level, we will receive our approval and officially be on the waiting list. That should happen by sometime in December.
We have made some recent (big) changes to our sibling child request, "upping" our age limit to 4 years old. That was a huge step for me. When we began this journey more than five years ago I had visions of babies in my head. Then, as we considered fostering and then adoption, I imagined a baby and a toddler (siblings). Because our WACAP agency contact said the likelihood of adopting siblings under the age of two was very slim, we moved to 2-1/2 and then up to 3 years old. That was several months ago. Again, the social worker spoke with us and said that they really don't see any sibling adoptions that young (unless twins, which we are VERY open to!). So we were at a cross-roads again. Actually, that's not completely true. WE weren't at a cross-roads, I was. Brian had always been open to adopting older children, hence the reason he had a heart for fostering. But for me, having a young baby was a really difficult thing to let go of. As I look back now I see that God really used the idea of fostering--even though we never actually got very far in the process--to plant a seed in my heart regarding older children.
When it came time to make a decision about what we wanted to do regarding our age request, I felt like I was wrestling with God. My will against His. I know God was gently urging me to completely surrender what I wanted and yield to what He wanted for our family. Like I said in an earlier post regarding our decision to foster, God was showing me that this whole journey was not about me. God has bigger plans for our family than I could conjure up in my own feeble mind, and He was once again waiting for me to trust Him fully. I was fighting this issue mostly because I was afraid. Adopting older children from another country has a whole host of difficulties: language barriers, emotional and physical difficulties, trouble with attachment, etc. So the wrestling ensued as I kept thinking of all the "negatives" and unknowns. Well, you can imagine who won in the end! During that week while we were deciding, I kept praying that God would give me a peace about it if we were to open ourselves to adopting older children. I honestly asked for a very clear sign. Per Brian's suggestion, I posted on several of the adoption yahoo groups I'm a part of, asking people to please email me privately if they had adopted older children, what their experiences had been, and if they would do it again. I was so overwhelmed by the responses I received. I had more than 20 emails come to me over those next few days, and every single person expressed positive feelings regarding adopting older children. They were also practical and filled with great advice regarding this issue. I was so touched how complete strangers from around the world (one was from Australia) would take the time to write to me, and be open to having me contact them for further help. God had sent my confirmation, and many times over.
So, that is where we are now in the adoption process. We are so excited now even though it could be many months of waiting still. Our caseworker hopes to have a referral for us by May, but with international adoption you just never know. Once we get on the waiting list we'll have a better idea of how long it may take. The fact that we are open to either gender helps. If you are receiving this blog via email, you may want to check out the actual blog site to see some new updates I've posted that you won't receive.
Now that the "paper chase" is done, I feel like we can finally start to really think about our children in Africa. I often daydream about them, wondering what they look like, how old they are, what they are doing right at that moment, and if they are hurting from the loss of a mother and father. We pray for them every day, and we pray for their families who have either given them up already, or are preparing to do so in the months ahead. We are keenly aware that through the birth family's pain, we will experience joy. It's a very humbling thought.
We have made some recent (big) changes to our sibling child request, "upping" our age limit to 4 years old. That was a huge step for me. When we began this journey more than five years ago I had visions of babies in my head. Then, as we considered fostering and then adoption, I imagined a baby and a toddler (siblings). Because our WACAP agency contact said the likelihood of adopting siblings under the age of two was very slim, we moved to 2-1/2 and then up to 3 years old. That was several months ago. Again, the social worker spoke with us and said that they really don't see any sibling adoptions that young (unless twins, which we are VERY open to!). So we were at a cross-roads again. Actually, that's not completely true. WE weren't at a cross-roads, I was. Brian had always been open to adopting older children, hence the reason he had a heart for fostering. But for me, having a young baby was a really difficult thing to let go of. As I look back now I see that God really used the idea of fostering--even though we never actually got very far in the process--to plant a seed in my heart regarding older children.
When it came time to make a decision about what we wanted to do regarding our age request, I felt like I was wrestling with God. My will against His. I know God was gently urging me to completely surrender what I wanted and yield to what He wanted for our family. Like I said in an earlier post regarding our decision to foster, God was showing me that this whole journey was not about me. God has bigger plans for our family than I could conjure up in my own feeble mind, and He was once again waiting for me to trust Him fully. I was fighting this issue mostly because I was afraid. Adopting older children from another country has a whole host of difficulties: language barriers, emotional and physical difficulties, trouble with attachment, etc. So the wrestling ensued as I kept thinking of all the "negatives" and unknowns. Well, you can imagine who won in the end! During that week while we were deciding, I kept praying that God would give me a peace about it if we were to open ourselves to adopting older children. I honestly asked for a very clear sign. Per Brian's suggestion, I posted on several of the adoption yahoo groups I'm a part of, asking people to please email me privately if they had adopted older children, what their experiences had been, and if they would do it again. I was so overwhelmed by the responses I received. I had more than 20 emails come to me over those next few days, and every single person expressed positive feelings regarding adopting older children. They were also practical and filled with great advice regarding this issue. I was so touched how complete strangers from around the world (one was from Australia) would take the time to write to me, and be open to having me contact them for further help. God had sent my confirmation, and many times over.
So, that is where we are now in the adoption process. We are so excited now even though it could be many months of waiting still. Our caseworker hopes to have a referral for us by May, but with international adoption you just never know. Once we get on the waiting list we'll have a better idea of how long it may take. The fact that we are open to either gender helps. If you are receiving this blog via email, you may want to check out the actual blog site to see some new updates I've posted that you won't receive.
Now that the "paper chase" is done, I feel like we can finally start to really think about our children in Africa. I often daydream about them, wondering what they look like, how old they are, what they are doing right at that moment, and if they are hurting from the loss of a mother and father. We pray for them every day, and we pray for their families who have either given them up already, or are preparing to do so in the months ahead. We are keenly aware that through the birth family's pain, we will experience joy. It's a very humbling thought.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Adoption is Not an Event
"Adoption is not an event. Adoption is not a snapshot in time. It is a moving picture that goes on through this life and into the ones that follow." (Joyce Maguiro Pavao, adoptee and author of The Family of Adoption)
I am trying to focus on that thought. As we are waiting for our adoption certification (see my newly added timeline to the right); as we have been waiting as a couple for over three years to add more children to our family; and as I've personally waited five years to have this dream fulfilled, this is such a good reminder for me. Just like when you are engaged and planning a wedding, or pregnant and looking forward to the birth day of your child, you tend to focus on the event itself. But marriage and parenthood, as most of us know, is a life-long journey. We get so focused on the event that we lose sight of the significance of the decision we are making. As I read more and more books on the subjects of transracial adoption and racial identity, I am forced to face fears and trepidation that I didn't even realize I had. This adoption thing is a BIG DEAL! It is a BIG DEAL that we are adopting a child or children of a different race. It is a BIG DEAL to be African American in a mostly white culture. We will have an enormous responsibility to our adopted children to help them to retain their cultural and racial identity. We must be their biggest advocate. And most of all, we must realize that race is a BIG DEAL.
I have to admit that I really didn't think about race too much. Being white, in a predominately white community, I didn't really have to. If I were any other race, I know I would think about it. I also never thought I had racial biases. To be honest, I am starting to realize how ignorant I really am on the subject of race. My biggest prayer is that what I am learning about the importance of race will also be learned by those around me. I feel like my eyes are slowly being opened; I am just embarrased and ashamed that it has taken 37 years to happen. But all I can do is move forward from here, and pray that my family, friends, and readers of this blog will move forward with me.
White privilege. I have to admit that I kind of scoffed at that term before, as maybe some of you have. But then I realized that I never really looked closely at what it meant. "A system of societal benefits received simply because one is white, which one may not have asked for or realize that one has...Whiteness can be a difficult concept for whites to grasp because the benefits are secured without taking action." (Inside Transracial Adoption by Steinberg and Hall.) I think when I allowed my pride to take a step back and the blinders to fall away, I saw how true that term is, and how prevalant white privelege is here in the United States.
I'm trying to be honest with what I am discovering. I feel so led to share what God is revealing to me, and I don't want any of these lessons to be wasted. Selfishly, I want myself, my family, and my friends to learn these things initially for our future adopted Ethiopian children, because we will be the ones helping them to fight their battles. Of course, new attitudes and outlooks on race should--and hopefully, will--also spill over to other people of color around us.
I have learned that there is no such thing as being color-blind. True, we should not treat someone differently or as less because of the color of their skin, but we also should not ignore it:
"...when I was a child my life wasn't 'colorless.' It was white. And colorbindness is a luxury black children can't afford. Love does not prepare an African American child for the society we live in. And love does not replace the importance of knowing your own ethnicity and culture." (Rachel Nordlinger, transracial adoptee)
I am learning that for the benefit of our adopted children, we must remember that love is not enough. Of course God's love can overcome anything, and a parent's love for their child conquers a lot, but we can't be blind to the struggles they are sure to have regarding their racial identity. The love we have for them must be the force that drives us to do all we can to provide them with multi-cultural experiences and friends and adult role models of their race as they are growing up.
Maybe this next quote will resonate even more with you. I know it kind of hit me over the head when I realized I could have been that "white person" she was talking about:
"When a white person says to me, 'It doesn't matter if they're black, white, brown or green...' or 'there's only one race, the human race,' a shudder goes down my spine. Those sentences erase a history of oppression and survival against enormous odds, as well as a legacy of courageous resistance and struggle. They also set us up to fail. As we grown into our teens, transracially-adopted children discover that being 'human' is simply not enough."(Julia Sudbury-Oparah, transracial adoptee)
So these are just some heavy things I have been thinking about while we are in our first waiting period. I hope they've made you think a little, too. I have read several books and I currently have a few others started at the moment. They either have to do with transracial adoption, adoption in general, Ethiopia, or racial issues. I've listed them under the timeline in case you'd like to read some of them for yourself. At some point I will need to stop and start reading about "attachment" because that could be a big issue, especially if we adopt slightly older children.
Prayer requests:
1) Please pray for our future children. We don't know if they are born yet or not, with their families or not, in an orphanage or foster care or not, healthy and safe or not. That's a lot of "or not"'s! So much is unknown right now. I long for the day when we'll hold them for the first time and know that they are safe. Please also pray for all the orphan children in Ethiopia and around the world. Remember, God commands us to help them in any way that we can. Prayer really does make a difference.
2) As always, please pray for patience. I can't wait until that is no longer such a huge prayer request for me! We've been in this for over 5 months now, and we still have a ways to go.
3) Pray that the courts will approve us to adopt very soon, that applying to immigration and fingerprinting will go quickly and smoothly, and that we'll be officially on the waiting list for Ethiopia by no later than November.
Thank you and God bless!
I am trying to focus on that thought. As we are waiting for our adoption certification (see my newly added timeline to the right); as we have been waiting as a couple for over three years to add more children to our family; and as I've personally waited five years to have this dream fulfilled, this is such a good reminder for me. Just like when you are engaged and planning a wedding, or pregnant and looking forward to the birth day of your child, you tend to focus on the event itself. But marriage and parenthood, as most of us know, is a life-long journey. We get so focused on the event that we lose sight of the significance of the decision we are making. As I read more and more books on the subjects of transracial adoption and racial identity, I am forced to face fears and trepidation that I didn't even realize I had. This adoption thing is a BIG DEAL! It is a BIG DEAL that we are adopting a child or children of a different race. It is a BIG DEAL to be African American in a mostly white culture. We will have an enormous responsibility to our adopted children to help them to retain their cultural and racial identity. We must be their biggest advocate. And most of all, we must realize that race is a BIG DEAL.
I have to admit that I really didn't think about race too much. Being white, in a predominately white community, I didn't really have to. If I were any other race, I know I would think about it. I also never thought I had racial biases. To be honest, I am starting to realize how ignorant I really am on the subject of race. My biggest prayer is that what I am learning about the importance of race will also be learned by those around me. I feel like my eyes are slowly being opened; I am just embarrased and ashamed that it has taken 37 years to happen. But all I can do is move forward from here, and pray that my family, friends, and readers of this blog will move forward with me.
White privilege. I have to admit that I kind of scoffed at that term before, as maybe some of you have. But then I realized that I never really looked closely at what it meant. "A system of societal benefits received simply because one is white, which one may not have asked for or realize that one has...Whiteness can be a difficult concept for whites to grasp because the benefits are secured without taking action." (Inside Transracial Adoption by Steinberg and Hall.) I think when I allowed my pride to take a step back and the blinders to fall away, I saw how true that term is, and how prevalant white privelege is here in the United States.
I'm trying to be honest with what I am discovering. I feel so led to share what God is revealing to me, and I don't want any of these lessons to be wasted. Selfishly, I want myself, my family, and my friends to learn these things initially for our future adopted Ethiopian children, because we will be the ones helping them to fight their battles. Of course, new attitudes and outlooks on race should--and hopefully, will--also spill over to other people of color around us.
I have learned that there is no such thing as being color-blind. True, we should not treat someone differently or as less because of the color of their skin, but we also should not ignore it:
"...when I was a child my life wasn't 'colorless.' It was white. And colorbindness is a luxury black children can't afford. Love does not prepare an African American child for the society we live in. And love does not replace the importance of knowing your own ethnicity and culture." (Rachel Nordlinger, transracial adoptee)
I am learning that for the benefit of our adopted children, we must remember that love is not enough. Of course God's love can overcome anything, and a parent's love for their child conquers a lot, but we can't be blind to the struggles they are sure to have regarding their racial identity. The love we have for them must be the force that drives us to do all we can to provide them with multi-cultural experiences and friends and adult role models of their race as they are growing up.
Maybe this next quote will resonate even more with you. I know it kind of hit me over the head when I realized I could have been that "white person" she was talking about:
"When a white person says to me, 'It doesn't matter if they're black, white, brown or green...' or 'there's only one race, the human race,' a shudder goes down my spine. Those sentences erase a history of oppression and survival against enormous odds, as well as a legacy of courageous resistance and struggle. They also set us up to fail. As we grown into our teens, transracially-adopted children discover that being 'human' is simply not enough."(Julia Sudbury-Oparah, transracial adoptee)
So these are just some heavy things I have been thinking about while we are in our first waiting period. I hope they've made you think a little, too. I have read several books and I currently have a few others started at the moment. They either have to do with transracial adoption, adoption in general, Ethiopia, or racial issues. I've listed them under the timeline in case you'd like to read some of them for yourself. At some point I will need to stop and start reading about "attachment" because that could be a big issue, especially if we adopt slightly older children.
Prayer requests:
1) Please pray for our future children. We don't know if they are born yet or not, with their families or not, in an orphanage or foster care or not, healthy and safe or not. That's a lot of "or not"'s! So much is unknown right now. I long for the day when we'll hold them for the first time and know that they are safe. Please also pray for all the orphan children in Ethiopia and around the world. Remember, God commands us to help them in any way that we can. Prayer really does make a difference.
2) As always, please pray for patience. I can't wait until that is no longer such a huge prayer request for me! We've been in this for over 5 months now, and we still have a ways to go.
3) Pray that the courts will approve us to adopt very soon, that applying to immigration and fingerprinting will go quickly and smoothly, and that we'll be officially on the waiting list for Ethiopia by no later than November.
Thank you and God bless!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Enduring the Paper Chase
It has been awhile since my last post, and many people have asked, so I thought I'd post an update on the adoption. Also, I will try to answer the question "Why adoption from Ethiopia?" that many people have asked us.
[Before I forget, I had to give you an update on that momma dove who was building her nest in our tree, since I talked about her and the symbolism of her nest in my April blog. We just saw her little baby (not so little by the time we discovered her!) with her in the nest. Because she was always sitting in her nest but there was never any sign of babies there, we assumed they did not survive or even hatch. Actually, it turns out she was sheltering the little bird under her wing. It was a joy to see! I posted a picture of the doves to the right of this post above my other pictures. It was like a sign of hope for me, silly as it may sound.]
So we are currently in the "paper chase" stage of gathering all our documents for the adoption. It is a VERY tedious process, but I'm just trying to stay organized and patient. We have had three meetings with our homestudy caseworker from Christian Family Care Agency in Phoenix. She is a very sweet lady who always prays with us at the end of each meeting. All meetings have gone very well. Our next and final meeting with her will be next Thursday, July 1, and it will be the first one at our house. She will inspect the house for safety (fence around pool, no unlocked firearms, etc.) and will also briefly interview Taylor and Preston. Mainly she'll just ask about their thoughts on the adoption and possibly some things about our parenting, etc. We're not worried about the meeting at all. We have collected and turned in a lot of paperwork for the homestudy phase of the adoption process, completed over 10 hours of online education regarding international adoption, gotten doctor's physicals and fingerprints, sent away for our passports, and more. So, we are waiting for our homestudy to be completed, for approval for adoption from the Arizona courts, and then for our completed and notarized homestudy to be sent to our international agency (World Association for Children And Parents--WACAP). Then begins an even greater paper chase as we gather documents for the Ethiopian government, which is called our dossier. Almost all of the documents for our dossier have to not only be notarized, but also then be authenticated/verified so there is a paper trail. (Kind of hard to explain, so I won't right now.) We will also be applying for approval by immigration to bring in an orphan from another country and getting re-fingerprinted on a national level just after our homestudy is approved. Then after the dossier is completed and sent to Ethiopia, we will wait for acceptance from that government to adopt. Once they approve our dossier, we are officially on the "wait list". Phew!
"How long?" some of you have asked us. That could vary greatly, which is the frustrating part. We decided last month that at this point we feel we should adopt a sibling pair at the same time instead of adopting once child now and then beginning the process all over again a year later. (I cannot imagine repeating this process!) We think it is important for our children to have a sibling of the same race as them since they will be growing up not only in a white family, but also in a predominately white community. By adopting at the same time, they would be biological siblings, and they would have an easier time adjusting in their new lives with us. So, because we will request siblings, we will have a longer wait. Could be anywhere between two months to a year, starting from when we're officially on the waitlist. We are hoping for next summer, but we really don't know at this point. Thankfully, God has taught us MANY lessons on patience in these past five years! We would like a child under one year and the other to be from 0 to 2-1/2 or 3 years old. Boys or girls or one of each. I'd prefer both of the same gender because they will be sharing a room, so that just makes it easier for when they are older. But we'll take whatever God gives us!
"Why Ethiopia?" There are many reasons why we chose Ethiopia. Our original plan (five years ago) was China, but adoptions from there have gotten much more difficult and the process takes up to three years or more. No way were we going to wait that long after all that we've been through! The next country that came to our minds was Ethiopia. We knew that we were always open to adopting children of a different race. In fact, when I pictured an adopted child in our family, for some reason I always pictured that child having a different skin color than my own. I believe God placed that in our hearts. In fact, that is the first answer I give people. We believe God put Ethiopia on our hearts because he has the rest of our family waiting for us there--our children waiting there for us to take them home to their forever family. But we do have more specific reasons for choosing Ethiopia as well:
2) God drew our hearts to the need of this country. There are nearly 5 million orphans in Ethiopia, with over half of them orphaned due to losing a parent or parents to AIDS. The poverty there is tremendous. The following is from a friend's post who is also adopting from Ethiopia: "In Ethiopia one in ten children die before their first birthdays. One in six children die before their fifth birthdays. 44% of the population of Ethiopia is under 15 years old. 60% of children in Ethiopia are stunted because of malnutrition. 1.5 million people are infected with AIDS (6th highest in the world). Because of the lack of access to antiretrovirals, millions have died of AIDS, leaving 4.6 million orphans in Ethiopia. Per capita, Ethiopia receives less aid than any other country in Africa. 1,000 children in Ethiopia will die today."
3) God drew us to the faces of these children. Ethiopians are beautiful people--especially the children! For years our family has sponsored two children in Africa and I have loved looking at their pictures. When my mom came back from her African mission trip, I got tears in my eyes looking at the children's smiling faces in the pictures she took. Despite having very little, they were so joyful. And she said they had so much love to give.
4) Ethiopia also has a pretty smooth adoption process compared to some other countries, and the children are often less institionalized than in some other countries. The ratio of caregivers to children is smaller and the children are held much more, not just laying in their cribs all day. Plus, many of the children have been cared for by extended family members and have spent less time in an orphanage. Often, the death of a parent and/or poverty causes the family member to reluctantly give up the child. It is obvious how much Ethiopia cares for its children. International adoption is definetely not the country's first choice to solve the problem of orphaned children, but it is a good choice. If you are interested in learning more about Ethiopia's history and its orphans, I HIGHLY recommend a book called There is No Me Without You: One Woman's Odyssey to Rescue Africa's Children by Melissa Fay Greene. It is such a good book. If you were even considering adopting from this country, this book will convince you to get started on the paperwork!
5) We are able to possibly adopt a younger child(ren) from Ethiopia than in some other countries. Children may be adopted as young as five months old. We would like at least one child as young as possible so that they will have less emotional, behavioural, and physical trauma and delays.
6) As I mentioned before, we are really anxious to be a multi-cultural family. Despite the many future challenges we are sure to face with raising children of a different race (most of which I am just beginning to understand) we believe it will be an amazing experience for all of our family. We know it will open our eyes to not only other cultures, but also to the difficulties experienced by African Americans. We know that our lives will be enriched by the children God will bring into our home, and that they will bring us to a broadened understanding of the world we live in. I know the lessons our biological children will learn from this experience will forever change and shape them as they become adults and parents one day.
I am sure I will share in future blogs about the many things I am learning regarding raising children of a different race, but this post is long enough already! The book I am currently reading is called "Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. I am excited to use this blog not only to keep you all updated on the adoption process and our continued journey, but also to share with you what I am learning about transracial adoption and how to best parent so that our children will keep and be proud of their culture and racial identity. I think the Lord will use this to open all of our eyes to things we never knew or felt before.
I will try to be better in keeping this blog more current as we move along in the process. We love for any of you to pray along with us, just as you did during our fertility struggles. If you are willing, please pray for the following:
1)Patience!!!!! 2)For the health and protection of our children in Africa that the Lord has chosen for us: whether they are already born or in their mother's womb. 3)That the adoption process will go smoothly and QUICKLY. Thank you.
"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows--this is God whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families." Psalm 68:5,6
God bless you all!
[Before I forget, I had to give you an update on that momma dove who was building her nest in our tree, since I talked about her and the symbolism of her nest in my April blog. We just saw her little baby (not so little by the time we discovered her!) with her in the nest. Because she was always sitting in her nest but there was never any sign of babies there, we assumed they did not survive or even hatch. Actually, it turns out she was sheltering the little bird under her wing. It was a joy to see! I posted a picture of the doves to the right of this post above my other pictures. It was like a sign of hope for me, silly as it may sound.]
So we are currently in the "paper chase" stage of gathering all our documents for the adoption. It is a VERY tedious process, but I'm just trying to stay organized and patient. We have had three meetings with our homestudy caseworker from Christian Family Care Agency in Phoenix. She is a very sweet lady who always prays with us at the end of each meeting. All meetings have gone very well. Our next and final meeting with her will be next Thursday, July 1, and it will be the first one at our house. She will inspect the house for safety (fence around pool, no unlocked firearms, etc.) and will also briefly interview Taylor and Preston. Mainly she'll just ask about their thoughts on the adoption and possibly some things about our parenting, etc. We're not worried about the meeting at all. We have collected and turned in a lot of paperwork for the homestudy phase of the adoption process, completed over 10 hours of online education regarding international adoption, gotten doctor's physicals and fingerprints, sent away for our passports, and more. So, we are waiting for our homestudy to be completed, for approval for adoption from the Arizona courts, and then for our completed and notarized homestudy to be sent to our international agency (World Association for Children And Parents--WACAP). Then begins an even greater paper chase as we gather documents for the Ethiopian government, which is called our dossier. Almost all of the documents for our dossier have to not only be notarized, but also then be authenticated/verified so there is a paper trail. (Kind of hard to explain, so I won't right now.) We will also be applying for approval by immigration to bring in an orphan from another country and getting re-fingerprinted on a national level just after our homestudy is approved. Then after the dossier is completed and sent to Ethiopia, we will wait for acceptance from that government to adopt. Once they approve our dossier, we are officially on the "wait list". Phew!
"How long?" some of you have asked us. That could vary greatly, which is the frustrating part. We decided last month that at this point we feel we should adopt a sibling pair at the same time instead of adopting once child now and then beginning the process all over again a year later. (I cannot imagine repeating this process!) We think it is important for our children to have a sibling of the same race as them since they will be growing up not only in a white family, but also in a predominately white community. By adopting at the same time, they would be biological siblings, and they would have an easier time adjusting in their new lives with us. So, because we will request siblings, we will have a longer wait. Could be anywhere between two months to a year, starting from when we're officially on the waitlist. We are hoping for next summer, but we really don't know at this point. Thankfully, God has taught us MANY lessons on patience in these past five years! We would like a child under one year and the other to be from 0 to 2-1/2 or 3 years old. Boys or girls or one of each. I'd prefer both of the same gender because they will be sharing a room, so that just makes it easier for when they are older. But we'll take whatever God gives us!
"Why Ethiopia?" There are many reasons why we chose Ethiopia. Our original plan (five years ago) was China, but adoptions from there have gotten much more difficult and the process takes up to three years or more. No way were we going to wait that long after all that we've been through! The next country that came to our minds was Ethiopia. We knew that we were always open to adopting children of a different race. In fact, when I pictured an adopted child in our family, for some reason I always pictured that child having a different skin color than my own. I believe God placed that in our hearts. In fact, that is the first answer I give people. We believe God put Ethiopia on our hearts because he has the rest of our family waiting for us there--our children waiting there for us to take them home to their forever family. But we do have more specific reasons for choosing Ethiopia as well:
2) God drew our hearts to the need of this country. There are nearly 5 million orphans in Ethiopia, with over half of them orphaned due to losing a parent or parents to AIDS. The poverty there is tremendous. The following is from a friend's post who is also adopting from Ethiopia: "In Ethiopia one in ten children die before their first birthdays. One in six children die before their fifth birthdays. 44% of the population of Ethiopia is under 15 years old. 60% of children in Ethiopia are stunted because of malnutrition. 1.5 million people are infected with AIDS (6th highest in the world). Because of the lack of access to antiretrovirals, millions have died of AIDS, leaving 4.6 million orphans in Ethiopia. Per capita, Ethiopia receives less aid than any other country in Africa. 1,000 children in Ethiopia will die today."
3) God drew us to the faces of these children. Ethiopians are beautiful people--especially the children! For years our family has sponsored two children in Africa and I have loved looking at their pictures. When my mom came back from her African mission trip, I got tears in my eyes looking at the children's smiling faces in the pictures she took. Despite having very little, they were so joyful. And she said they had so much love to give.
4) Ethiopia also has a pretty smooth adoption process compared to some other countries, and the children are often less institionalized than in some other countries. The ratio of caregivers to children is smaller and the children are held much more, not just laying in their cribs all day. Plus, many of the children have been cared for by extended family members and have spent less time in an orphanage. Often, the death of a parent and/or poverty causes the family member to reluctantly give up the child. It is obvious how much Ethiopia cares for its children. International adoption is definetely not the country's first choice to solve the problem of orphaned children, but it is a good choice. If you are interested in learning more about Ethiopia's history and its orphans, I HIGHLY recommend a book called There is No Me Without You: One Woman's Odyssey to Rescue Africa's Children by Melissa Fay Greene. It is such a good book. If you were even considering adopting from this country, this book will convince you to get started on the paperwork!
5) We are able to possibly adopt a younger child(ren) from Ethiopia than in some other countries. Children may be adopted as young as five months old. We would like at least one child as young as possible so that they will have less emotional, behavioural, and physical trauma and delays.
6) As I mentioned before, we are really anxious to be a multi-cultural family. Despite the many future challenges we are sure to face with raising children of a different race (most of which I am just beginning to understand) we believe it will be an amazing experience for all of our family. We know it will open our eyes to not only other cultures, but also to the difficulties experienced by African Americans. We know that our lives will be enriched by the children God will bring into our home, and that they will bring us to a broadened understanding of the world we live in. I know the lessons our biological children will learn from this experience will forever change and shape them as they become adults and parents one day.
I am sure I will share in future blogs about the many things I am learning regarding raising children of a different race, but this post is long enough already! The book I am currently reading is called "Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. I am excited to use this blog not only to keep you all updated on the adoption process and our continued journey, but also to share with you what I am learning about transracial adoption and how to best parent so that our children will keep and be proud of their culture and racial identity. I think the Lord will use this to open all of our eyes to things we never knew or felt before.
I will try to be better in keeping this blog more current as we move along in the process. We love for any of you to pray along with us, just as you did during our fertility struggles. If you are willing, please pray for the following:
1)Patience!!!!! 2)For the health and protection of our children in Africa that the Lord has chosen for us: whether they are already born or in their mother's womb. 3)That the adoption process will go smoothly and QUICKLY. Thank you.
"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows--this is God whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families." Psalm 68:5,6
God bless you all!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
New direction, same journey (Part II)
PREPARING OUR HEARTS...
Yesterday I was sitting in a chair in our backyard by our pool, reading my Bible. In the tree next to me, a momma dove was sitting in her nest, preparing to soon lay her eggs. This past week I have watched her through our large family room windows, carefully and methodically building her nest. Over and over she would fly a single twig over to the tree and gently lay it in place. She was preparing a place for her new baby birds soon to come. It suddenly dawned on me that this is what God has been doing all along with our family. He has been lovingly preparing our hearts and our family over these past years to be fully ready for the child or children He is bringing to us. Piece by piece He had been laying down the foundation. Each experience--from my years of praying for Brian's heart to be changed, to the vasectomy reversal, to the infertility, to the new doctor, to the idea of foster parenting--has been like a layer of twigs being layed while building a nest. Each twig is carefully chosen and important to the structure of the home the bird is building. I believe that God allowed or orchestrated all these things to happen to our family in order to prepare us for where He has now brought us. Not only is He preparing us to be ready for a child or children from another country, but He is also preparing us for the child's sake. The word prepare means "to fit, adapt or qualify for a particular purpose; to make all things ready; to put things in order." It's exciting to me to think that this is just the "small picture" here on earth that God is preparing our family for right now. In the "big picture" though, He is preparing us not only for an eternity spent with Him, but also the eternities of generations of our family yet to come! Pretty mindblowing.
Some of you may think we are indecisive and have chosen many wrong roads before getting to the right one; that we misread God all these years. From the outside it probably looks like that. And I'm not saying we never made a wrong choice or decision along the way. But I feel strongly that God was in control the whole time, like I said in the last blog. In the decisions we made, we felt like we were being led by the Lord to make them. Much time was spent in prayer, fasting, reading scripture, seeking godly counsel, and confirmation from not only God's Word, but the words of godly people around us. I think God took us down the path He needed us to go on to get us where we are today. Each "twig" built upon the other. For some, God takes them on a direct, obvious path to reach where He is leading them. For others (most?) the path is not so clear, with many detours along the way!
I can't say that I loved many of the experiences we went through while we were going through them. At times, the pain, frustration, and hopelessness seemed unbearable. It was uncomfortable. The little momma dove built her nest out of bent, hard, uncomfortable twigs in a tree full of thorny branches. (I know this because while I was inspecting her in her nest a little more closely, one of the thorns caught my arm!) Yet she lined it with soft, downy feathers. God has done that for us. Though the journey has been painful, He has protected us. In the softness of His warm embrace we can find rest and peace. I have been comforted by Him in uncomfortable situations more times in the past years than I can count. I love how the Lord provided this little dove to remind me of His promises. I read in a Bible encyclopedia that in scripture, the wings of a dove symbolized love. Many of you know I have a small tattoo of a dove with a cross on my ankle as a symbol of the Holy Spirit living in me. When I look at it now, it has even more meaning to me than even it did before. It's a reminder of how God has been protecting and preparing me throughout my life.
I'll close with these beautiful words inspired by our Lord:
"For You have been my help. I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 63:7
"He will cover you with his feathers. Under His wings you will take refuge. His faithfulness is your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4
Blessings to you all!
Yesterday I was sitting in a chair in our backyard by our pool, reading my Bible. In the tree next to me, a momma dove was sitting in her nest, preparing to soon lay her eggs. This past week I have watched her through our large family room windows, carefully and methodically building her nest. Over and over she would fly a single twig over to the tree and gently lay it in place. She was preparing a place for her new baby birds soon to come. It suddenly dawned on me that this is what God has been doing all along with our family. He has been lovingly preparing our hearts and our family over these past years to be fully ready for the child or children He is bringing to us. Piece by piece He had been laying down the foundation. Each experience--from my years of praying for Brian's heart to be changed, to the vasectomy reversal, to the infertility, to the new doctor, to the idea of foster parenting--has been like a layer of twigs being layed while building a nest. Each twig is carefully chosen and important to the structure of the home the bird is building. I believe that God allowed or orchestrated all these things to happen to our family in order to prepare us for where He has now brought us. Not only is He preparing us to be ready for a child or children from another country, but He is also preparing us for the child's sake. The word prepare means "to fit, adapt or qualify for a particular purpose; to make all things ready; to put things in order." It's exciting to me to think that this is just the "small picture" here on earth that God is preparing our family for right now. In the "big picture" though, He is preparing us not only for an eternity spent with Him, but also the eternities of generations of our family yet to come! Pretty mindblowing.
Some of you may think we are indecisive and have chosen many wrong roads before getting to the right one; that we misread God all these years. From the outside it probably looks like that. And I'm not saying we never made a wrong choice or decision along the way. But I feel strongly that God was in control the whole time, like I said in the last blog. In the decisions we made, we felt like we were being led by the Lord to make them. Much time was spent in prayer, fasting, reading scripture, seeking godly counsel, and confirmation from not only God's Word, but the words of godly people around us. I think God took us down the path He needed us to go on to get us where we are today. Each "twig" built upon the other. For some, God takes them on a direct, obvious path to reach where He is leading them. For others (most?) the path is not so clear, with many detours along the way!
I can't say that I loved many of the experiences we went through while we were going through them. At times, the pain, frustration, and hopelessness seemed unbearable. It was uncomfortable. The little momma dove built her nest out of bent, hard, uncomfortable twigs in a tree full of thorny branches. (I know this because while I was inspecting her in her nest a little more closely, one of the thorns caught my arm!) Yet she lined it with soft, downy feathers. God has done that for us. Though the journey has been painful, He has protected us. In the softness of His warm embrace we can find rest and peace. I have been comforted by Him in uncomfortable situations more times in the past years than I can count. I love how the Lord provided this little dove to remind me of His promises. I read in a Bible encyclopedia that in scripture, the wings of a dove symbolized love. Many of you know I have a small tattoo of a dove with a cross on my ankle as a symbol of the Holy Spirit living in me. When I look at it now, it has even more meaning to me than even it did before. It's a reminder of how God has been protecting and preparing me throughout my life.
I'll close with these beautiful words inspired by our Lord:
"For You have been my help. I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 63:7
"He will cover you with his feathers. Under His wings you will take refuge. His faithfulness is your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4
Blessings to you all!
New direction, same journey
Some of you who do not know what I am about to say may be shocked by this blog. Last you knew, we were planning to become foster parents. But once again, God has moved us in a different direction. Although to some this may seem sudden, I assure you that it was born in our hearts almost five years ago, but it just took this long for God to bring our initial desire/prayer to fruition. What seems on the outside like a crooked path, surrounded by changed plans, sorrowful failures, and misguided intentions, is in reality what God had planned for us all along. Though it does not seem this way from our point of view, to God this path was straight. I KNOW this for a fact because throughout this whole journey we have trusted God with our future, even when we didn't understand His ways. Proverbs 3:5,6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
So... this different direction God has moved us in is to internationally adopt a child or children from Ethiopia. Some may ask how we went from infertility to foster parenting to adoption. (I know our homestudy caseworker was wondering that very same thing!) Seems a little crazy, huh? But the seed of adoption had been planted long before the infertility began, and I believe God used the idea of foster parenting as a transition period for us to be ready to move from infertility to international adoption. Let me take you back almost five years ago to my journal entry documenting when this all began:
"August 10, 2005: After being almost a week late for my cycle to start, Brian and I talked for the first time about the possibility of having more children. We realized we both welcomed the idea and have even discussed pursuing international adoption if I'm not pregnant. We've bought adoption books and talked with Brian's parents about helping us financially because we don't have the money for it. I can hardly believe this is happening! Lord, on this decision, give us guidance, faith, and patience for your will and your timing. Show us your plan and give Brian and I mutual agreement and conviction in our hearts."
"August 12, 2005: My cycle began, which is very disappointing, yet I KNOW God delayed it for a reason. We may not have ever approached the subject and considered it so greatly if I hadn't thought I might be pregnant. When I was late, we both realized how much we wanted another baby. I can't explain how strong these feelings are. I know for sure this is what I want. It just feels so right in so many ways. We don't know how we'll handle it financially, but we also know it will be a faith thing. Lord, give us peace about whatever path you choose for our family. Let it be a path YOU ALONE lead us down, not one we choose on our own without your help. I pray we'll have support from our family and friends and that you will take care of us financially. We have no idea how we'll afford this. Please grow our faith. Amen."
A few weeks later, Brian's heart changed. He no longer thought adoption was the right path for us. To this day, I believe with all my soul that God either changed Brian's heart away from adoption or He at least allowed the change to take place, all for a greater purpose in HIS timing. Though I prayed for God to take away my longing for a child since it was not in line with my husband's heart anymore, God in His great wisdom did not grant me that wish. Instead, He taught me tremendous lessons in patience, hope, perseverance in prayer, submission to my husband, and complete faith in HIS plans and timing instead of my own.
Fast forward to today: four years and nine months later. A little over a month ago Brian came to me with heavy reservations he was having about pursuing foster parenting. I won't go into all the details, but the main concerns he had were with the life adjustments we would have to make and how we (me, in particular) would handle giving a child up to their biological parents once the fostering period was over. I had always said that if God wanted us to do this, HE alone would provide a way for me to cope with it. Yet, once Brian raised the concerns, I began to really ponder the thoughts that I had largely ignored in my desire to have more children in our family. Since I had already admitted to the social worker, my husband, and others that my ultimate desire was to eventually adopt one or more of the children we were fostering (a desire Brian shared), it seemed quite obvious that we were going about things in an indirect way. Brian told me he still wanted more children, but he just didn't think that fostering was going to be right for us. Then he brought up the idea of international adoption. This statement floored me, because after we were done with infertility treatment, I thought fostering was our only option in Brian's mind. Also, international adoption was what my heart had longed for from the very beginning, so I couldn't believe my ears that Brian was now suggesting it again. What meant the most to me though, was when Brian said that He wanted to pray about it together and separate before we made any decisions. He knew that God needed to be our ultimate leader in this. The more we prayed about it, the more convinced we both were that fostering was not right for us at this time in our lives (maybe in the future?) and that adopting from Ethiopia was the right thing.
Since making that decision, choosing an international agency, beginning our paperwork, and getting ready to begin our homestudy process this Thursday with a case worker from the Christian agency we were going to use for fostering, we have had such peace and joy. I know I said that many times along the way regarding different aspects of this (almost) five-year journey. But the truth is we did feel God's direction and peace about all those decisions we made. We believe He directed our hearts. He has always been in control even when things seemed to be spirally out of control! As far as fostering goes, I think one of the big reasons God put that on our hearts was for transition. Experts stress the importance of healing from infertility before jumping into adoption. I am sure that the transition was much easier for me that it would be for a childless woman, because I already have two biological children. But, as I mentioned in other blogs, I was devastated after the last infertility treatment failed until Brian brought up the possibility of fostering. Even though in the big picture I had hopes of adoption in the future, it gave me something tangible to hold onto until that time. The idea that we could change a child's life through fostering was very appealing to both of us. It brought us both to a closer state of selflessness. It wasn't about what I wanted anymore, but what God wanted and how He wanted to use us. At the time, though, we didn't realize God was also using the fostering to pave a way for international adoption.
Timing was everything. Had we adopted five years ago our faiths would have been less mature, our marriage would not have been as strong, our children would not have witnessed living out their faith first-hand, our finances would have been tight, and our story would not have touched other's lives. I would not have learned about submission to my husband's leadership, persistence in praying for my heart's desire, endurance in trials, nor hope in the most hopeless situations. And God knew what Brian needed and the direction he needed to go to get back to the plan God had originally started in his heart. God knew what He was doing all along, even when we didn't! I can honestly say it was all worth it, and I am so thankful for all we've been through all these years. Can't wait to see what He has planned next!
(Watch for Part II of this blog coming later today!)
So... this different direction God has moved us in is to internationally adopt a child or children from Ethiopia. Some may ask how we went from infertility to foster parenting to adoption. (I know our homestudy caseworker was wondering that very same thing!) Seems a little crazy, huh? But the seed of adoption had been planted long before the infertility began, and I believe God used the idea of foster parenting as a transition period for us to be ready to move from infertility to international adoption. Let me take you back almost five years ago to my journal entry documenting when this all began:
"August 10, 2005: After being almost a week late for my cycle to start, Brian and I talked for the first time about the possibility of having more children. We realized we both welcomed the idea and have even discussed pursuing international adoption if I'm not pregnant. We've bought adoption books and talked with Brian's parents about helping us financially because we don't have the money for it. I can hardly believe this is happening! Lord, on this decision, give us guidance, faith, and patience for your will and your timing. Show us your plan and give Brian and I mutual agreement and conviction in our hearts."
"August 12, 2005: My cycle began, which is very disappointing, yet I KNOW God delayed it for a reason. We may not have ever approached the subject and considered it so greatly if I hadn't thought I might be pregnant. When I was late, we both realized how much we wanted another baby. I can't explain how strong these feelings are. I know for sure this is what I want. It just feels so right in so many ways. We don't know how we'll handle it financially, but we also know it will be a faith thing. Lord, give us peace about whatever path you choose for our family. Let it be a path YOU ALONE lead us down, not one we choose on our own without your help. I pray we'll have support from our family and friends and that you will take care of us financially. We have no idea how we'll afford this. Please grow our faith. Amen."
A few weeks later, Brian's heart changed. He no longer thought adoption was the right path for us. To this day, I believe with all my soul that God either changed Brian's heart away from adoption or He at least allowed the change to take place, all for a greater purpose in HIS timing. Though I prayed for God to take away my longing for a child since it was not in line with my husband's heart anymore, God in His great wisdom did not grant me that wish. Instead, He taught me tremendous lessons in patience, hope, perseverance in prayer, submission to my husband, and complete faith in HIS plans and timing instead of my own.
Fast forward to today: four years and nine months later. A little over a month ago Brian came to me with heavy reservations he was having about pursuing foster parenting. I won't go into all the details, but the main concerns he had were with the life adjustments we would have to make and how we (me, in particular) would handle giving a child up to their biological parents once the fostering period was over. I had always said that if God wanted us to do this, HE alone would provide a way for me to cope with it. Yet, once Brian raised the concerns, I began to really ponder the thoughts that I had largely ignored in my desire to have more children in our family. Since I had already admitted to the social worker, my husband, and others that my ultimate desire was to eventually adopt one or more of the children we were fostering (a desire Brian shared), it seemed quite obvious that we were going about things in an indirect way. Brian told me he still wanted more children, but he just didn't think that fostering was going to be right for us. Then he brought up the idea of international adoption. This statement floored me, because after we were done with infertility treatment, I thought fostering was our only option in Brian's mind. Also, international adoption was what my heart had longed for from the very beginning, so I couldn't believe my ears that Brian was now suggesting it again. What meant the most to me though, was when Brian said that He wanted to pray about it together and separate before we made any decisions. He knew that God needed to be our ultimate leader in this. The more we prayed about it, the more convinced we both were that fostering was not right for us at this time in our lives (maybe in the future?) and that adopting from Ethiopia was the right thing.
Since making that decision, choosing an international agency, beginning our paperwork, and getting ready to begin our homestudy process this Thursday with a case worker from the Christian agency we were going to use for fostering, we have had such peace and joy. I know I said that many times along the way regarding different aspects of this (almost) five-year journey. But the truth is we did feel God's direction and peace about all those decisions we made. We believe He directed our hearts. He has always been in control even when things seemed to be spirally out of control! As far as fostering goes, I think one of the big reasons God put that on our hearts was for transition. Experts stress the importance of healing from infertility before jumping into adoption. I am sure that the transition was much easier for me that it would be for a childless woman, because I already have two biological children. But, as I mentioned in other blogs, I was devastated after the last infertility treatment failed until Brian brought up the possibility of fostering. Even though in the big picture I had hopes of adoption in the future, it gave me something tangible to hold onto until that time. The idea that we could change a child's life through fostering was very appealing to both of us. It brought us both to a closer state of selflessness. It wasn't about what I wanted anymore, but what God wanted and how He wanted to use us. At the time, though, we didn't realize God was also using the fostering to pave a way for international adoption.
Timing was everything. Had we adopted five years ago our faiths would have been less mature, our marriage would not have been as strong, our children would not have witnessed living out their faith first-hand, our finances would have been tight, and our story would not have touched other's lives. I would not have learned about submission to my husband's leadership, persistence in praying for my heart's desire, endurance in trials, nor hope in the most hopeless situations. And God knew what Brian needed and the direction he needed to go to get back to the plan God had originally started in his heart. God knew what He was doing all along, even when we didn't! I can honestly say it was all worth it, and I am so thankful for all we've been through all these years. Can't wait to see what He has planned next!
(Watch for Part II of this blog coming later today!)
Monday, February 8, 2010
Part II
(If you haven't already read Part I, scroll down and read that first so that this blog will make more sense.)
So there I was, feeling distanced from and disillusioned with God. Yet God in His love and grace met me where I was. Even though I wasn't praying during that time (I couldn't, just then), I know others were interceding for me. To you, dear friends and family, I am forever grateful. I really did feel your prayers. I realized that we had done everything we could do to "help" a pregnancy to happen, and even though it was all just really an illusion of control that I thought I held, I did finally release control completely after that weekend. I had to, because that door had been closed for us. But it didn't just close, it felt like it had been slammed shut! As I mentioned in the other blog: I had reached the end of myself. And when I did, something amazing happened. God opened another door that I NEVER would have expected Him to open. And that door was called "Foster Parenting".
Brian brought up the subject to me just a few days after we found out I wasn't pregnant. It was very unexpected. It was very GOD. No other way can I explain Brian having this on his heart. We have never discussed doing this, and to be honest, I never really wanted to. I didn't think I could handle getting emotionally attached to a child and then giving him or her away. I didn't know anything about fostering. I didn't think Brian would EVER consider doing it. Once I got over the initial shock, I started to really think about it. I would love to say that I got down on my knees that night and started to pray about it right away. But I was still angry with God and wasn't ready to turn to Him yet. Amazingly though, God still spoke to my heart regarding this issue. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I think what especially got to me was one thing that Brian said when he brought this up. He told me that he felt like fostering was the best way that we could change a child's life in a very powerful way. Looking back, I shouldn't be shocked that Brian wanted to do this because I see how God has gifted him with the ability to positively influence and get through to children and teenagers. I've seen it with my own kids especially, but also with those he has coached in volleyball and soccer, and those we were involved with as high school leaders when we were first married. He really has made a difference in their lives, and he received much fulfillment doing it. He has always been great at putting the needs of those he cares about before his own.
The next day, even though I hadn't really prayed much about it, I told him that I would like to look into the idea more, but that I was seriously considering it. I just felt this calmness and peace washing over me that this was what we were supposed to do. Since it was so far from anything I would have thought of, I knew that it could only be from God! It just felt right. But it was very important to me that Brian was open to adoption if a child we were fostering became available for that and we felt God leading us in that direction. If that wasn't even a possibility for him, I could not agree to it because I don't think my heart could handle it. We agreed to find out more information, pray about it together and separately, and to talk with the kids about it. The kids were thrilled with the idea, so no worries there. Our families have also been very supportive. These past two months, we have both received several confirmations from the Lord in unique and powerful ways that this is the direction we are supposed to be going. (In future blogs, I will share one of those.)
Fast forward to now... We have selected a Christian agency who is contracted through the state to provide our training, help us get all the paperwork and home studies done, etc. Our classes begin April 8th and they continue for 10 weeks, once a week for three hours each class. Once the 30 hours are completed and all the other paperwork, fingerprinting, references, background checks, home studies, etc. are done, we will hopefully be licensed as foster parents by this summer. Then it's just a matter of waiting for a child or children (we'd take up to three at a time) to be placed with us. In blogs ahead, I will journal about the process and the emotional struggles and joys along the way--I'm sure there will be many!
This is such a new direction for our lives. I would have never chosen this journey myself. But that is what is so amazing about the whole thing. God, in His infinite wisdom, knew this was the plan all along. For awhile I questioned all the fertility stuff that we went through. So much money and heartache and stress were wrapped up in the last 2-1/2 years of our life. If God had shown us much earlier that we were supposed to foster instead, it would have been way easier! Why did we have to go through all of it? But very quickly God showed me that I would not have been ready 2-1/2 years ago. He knew that I needed to go through all the infertility in order to get to a place where I would say "yes" to foster parenting. I needed to exhaust all options first. Not that I'm giving up on getting pregnant. However unlikely it is, it could definitely still happen for us in the future. But, amazingly, I am so content with the direction we are going. I am okay with not getting pregnant if it never happens. That is completely a God thing, because for the past 5 years I couldn't say that. I still want a child very badly, and I feel certain still that God is going to give us our hearts' desire. Just not in the way that we expected.
I have more to say about this journey and what God has revealed to me about it, but I will save that for my next blog since this one is rather long. :) Please be praying for our family in this new adventure. There are so many unknowns ahead. I think this experience will stretch us in ways we never imagined. We are nervous, yet excited to see what God is going to do. We know that He has something amazing planned. He hasn't been doing all this build up for nothing!
So there I was, feeling distanced from and disillusioned with God. Yet God in His love and grace met me where I was. Even though I wasn't praying during that time (I couldn't, just then), I know others were interceding for me. To you, dear friends and family, I am forever grateful. I really did feel your prayers. I realized that we had done everything we could do to "help" a pregnancy to happen, and even though it was all just really an illusion of control that I thought I held, I did finally release control completely after that weekend. I had to, because that door had been closed for us. But it didn't just close, it felt like it had been slammed shut! As I mentioned in the other blog: I had reached the end of myself. And when I did, something amazing happened. God opened another door that I NEVER would have expected Him to open. And that door was called "Foster Parenting".
Brian brought up the subject to me just a few days after we found out I wasn't pregnant. It was very unexpected. It was very GOD. No other way can I explain Brian having this on his heart. We have never discussed doing this, and to be honest, I never really wanted to. I didn't think I could handle getting emotionally attached to a child and then giving him or her away. I didn't know anything about fostering. I didn't think Brian would EVER consider doing it. Once I got over the initial shock, I started to really think about it. I would love to say that I got down on my knees that night and started to pray about it right away. But I was still angry with God and wasn't ready to turn to Him yet. Amazingly though, God still spoke to my heart regarding this issue. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I think what especially got to me was one thing that Brian said when he brought this up. He told me that he felt like fostering was the best way that we could change a child's life in a very powerful way. Looking back, I shouldn't be shocked that Brian wanted to do this because I see how God has gifted him with the ability to positively influence and get through to children and teenagers. I've seen it with my own kids especially, but also with those he has coached in volleyball and soccer, and those we were involved with as high school leaders when we were first married. He really has made a difference in their lives, and he received much fulfillment doing it. He has always been great at putting the needs of those he cares about before his own.
The next day, even though I hadn't really prayed much about it, I told him that I would like to look into the idea more, but that I was seriously considering it. I just felt this calmness and peace washing over me that this was what we were supposed to do. Since it was so far from anything I would have thought of, I knew that it could only be from God! It just felt right. But it was very important to me that Brian was open to adoption if a child we were fostering became available for that and we felt God leading us in that direction. If that wasn't even a possibility for him, I could not agree to it because I don't think my heart could handle it. We agreed to find out more information, pray about it together and separately, and to talk with the kids about it. The kids were thrilled with the idea, so no worries there. Our families have also been very supportive. These past two months, we have both received several confirmations from the Lord in unique and powerful ways that this is the direction we are supposed to be going. (In future blogs, I will share one of those.)
Fast forward to now... We have selected a Christian agency who is contracted through the state to provide our training, help us get all the paperwork and home studies done, etc. Our classes begin April 8th and they continue for 10 weeks, once a week for three hours each class. Once the 30 hours are completed and all the other paperwork, fingerprinting, references, background checks, home studies, etc. are done, we will hopefully be licensed as foster parents by this summer. Then it's just a matter of waiting for a child or children (we'd take up to three at a time) to be placed with us. In blogs ahead, I will journal about the process and the emotional struggles and joys along the way--I'm sure there will be many!
This is such a new direction for our lives. I would have never chosen this journey myself. But that is what is so amazing about the whole thing. God, in His infinite wisdom, knew this was the plan all along. For awhile I questioned all the fertility stuff that we went through. So much money and heartache and stress were wrapped up in the last 2-1/2 years of our life. If God had shown us much earlier that we were supposed to foster instead, it would have been way easier! Why did we have to go through all of it? But very quickly God showed me that I would not have been ready 2-1/2 years ago. He knew that I needed to go through all the infertility in order to get to a place where I would say "yes" to foster parenting. I needed to exhaust all options first. Not that I'm giving up on getting pregnant. However unlikely it is, it could definitely still happen for us in the future. But, amazingly, I am so content with the direction we are going. I am okay with not getting pregnant if it never happens. That is completely a God thing, because for the past 5 years I couldn't say that. I still want a child very badly, and I feel certain still that God is going to give us our hearts' desire. Just not in the way that we expected.
I have more to say about this journey and what God has revealed to me about it, but I will save that for my next blog since this one is rather long. :) Please be praying for our family in this new adventure. There are so many unknowns ahead. I think this experience will stretch us in ways we never imagined. We are nervous, yet excited to see what God is going to do. We know that He has something amazing planned. He hasn't been doing all this build up for nothing!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Reaching the End of Myself--Part I
"Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see." Corrie ten Boom
I must apologize for how long it has been since my last blog. A lot has happened since then. Because I have so much to say, this will probably end up being a two-part blog. For the past two months I have been in a place of peace and contentment regarding our future. It's a place I have not been in (at least for any period of time) for many years. But it was not an easy road getting here. It truly took divine intervention to reach this place, and I first had to come to the end of myself. I had to fully realize the depth of my insufficiency. Only then could I completely surrender to God's will for us in having more children. And, oh, was I surprised the direction that the Lord took us in the end! But let me back up a bit...
November 27, 2010, 3 a.m. (approximately 2 weeks after the 5th IUI procedure): I woke up to find that I had started my period. As I wrote about in my last blog, with having 7 mature follicles and a successful IUI procedure, it seemed very positive that I would get pregnant that month. I cannot tell you how shocked and upset I was, knowing that was the last infertility procedure we were going to do. I laid in bed, literally crying out to God in anger and despair. Brian just held me as I wept uncontrollably for a long time. The next day I cried some more as I told my mom the news, but most of the day I was just numb. I wrote a short email to a few of my family and friends explaining what happened, but I didn't want to talk with anyone. I don't think I've ever felt more angry or confused with God. I couldn't even pray, because I didn't have the words. I kept going over and over in my head the last couple of years and all the times I felt God was leading us down a particular path. I had felt so sure that we had been in God's will and had followed His lead in all of our decisions regarding infertility treatment. From the vasectomy reversal almost 3 years ago, to the first three IUI procedures, to the new infertility doctor, to two more infertility procedures with injectible drugs. For several days I just kept thinking God was far away and that I had misread His direction all along. Then, to make things worse, I felt like a big phony and a horrible example to my family and friends for feeling the way that I did. Where was my faith? How dare I be angry at God! Why couldn't I "put it into perspective". It's not like I just found out I had cancer or that a loved one died. It's not like I had been pregnant and then miscarried, like has just happened to two of my closest friends. It's not like I didn't have any children, like so many other couples struggling with infertility. It seemed so selfish to be that upset over a pregnancy that never happened. But for me, it was the death of a dream. (Those of you who have experienced infertility can relate. Those of you who haven't, I pray that through reading my blogs you can be more understanding of those who have gone through it, even though on the outside it seems like they are overreacting. Infertility is difficult to fully understand unless you've been through it month after month, year after year.) So there I was: completely helpless, completely hopeless, completely where God wanted me to be.
(Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow...)
I must apologize for how long it has been since my last blog. A lot has happened since then. Because I have so much to say, this will probably end up being a two-part blog. For the past two months I have been in a place of peace and contentment regarding our future. It's a place I have not been in (at least for any period of time) for many years. But it was not an easy road getting here. It truly took divine intervention to reach this place, and I first had to come to the end of myself. I had to fully realize the depth of my insufficiency. Only then could I completely surrender to God's will for us in having more children. And, oh, was I surprised the direction that the Lord took us in the end! But let me back up a bit...
November 27, 2010, 3 a.m. (approximately 2 weeks after the 5th IUI procedure): I woke up to find that I had started my period. As I wrote about in my last blog, with having 7 mature follicles and a successful IUI procedure, it seemed very positive that I would get pregnant that month. I cannot tell you how shocked and upset I was, knowing that was the last infertility procedure we were going to do. I laid in bed, literally crying out to God in anger and despair. Brian just held me as I wept uncontrollably for a long time. The next day I cried some more as I told my mom the news, but most of the day I was just numb. I wrote a short email to a few of my family and friends explaining what happened, but I didn't want to talk with anyone. I don't think I've ever felt more angry or confused with God. I couldn't even pray, because I didn't have the words. I kept going over and over in my head the last couple of years and all the times I felt God was leading us down a particular path. I had felt so sure that we had been in God's will and had followed His lead in all of our decisions regarding infertility treatment. From the vasectomy reversal almost 3 years ago, to the first three IUI procedures, to the new infertility doctor, to two more infertility procedures with injectible drugs. For several days I just kept thinking God was far away and that I had misread His direction all along. Then, to make things worse, I felt like a big phony and a horrible example to my family and friends for feeling the way that I did. Where was my faith? How dare I be angry at God! Why couldn't I "put it into perspective". It's not like I just found out I had cancer or that a loved one died. It's not like I had been pregnant and then miscarried, like has just happened to two of my closest friends. It's not like I didn't have any children, like so many other couples struggling with infertility. It seemed so selfish to be that upset over a pregnancy that never happened. But for me, it was the death of a dream. (Those of you who have experienced infertility can relate. Those of you who haven't, I pray that through reading my blogs you can be more understanding of those who have gone through it, even though on the outside it seems like they are overreacting. Infertility is difficult to fully understand unless you've been through it month after month, year after year.) So there I was: completely helpless, completely hopeless, completely where God wanted me to be.
(Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow...)
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