There have been a lot of "firsts" for us these past few weeks. This past week was Milkanu's first week of school and longest time he had been separated from his family. For the first time in 14 years, my oldest child Taylor enjoyed her first week of "traditional" school (I had homeschooled her for the last 10 years; she is a freshman in high school). Last Sunday we attended church as a family for the first time since coming home with the boys, and this Sunday Milkanu went to Sunday School all by himself. Preston had his first full day of school away from me at a local homeschool co-op: he takes three classes plus lunch with other homeschoolers on Mondays. For the first time in 9 years, I am only homeschooling one child (much easier!). And for the first time in 9 weeks, I could take a nap in the middle of the day if I wanted to!!!! Hasn't happened yet because I fill Taddie's naptime with all the stuff I don't get done when he's awake, but I do hope to take advantage of that sometimes. :) And one more first: Milkanu told me "I love you" without me having to say it first to him. Wow, that one really melted my heart!
Okay, back to Milkanu and school. Some of you may be surprised that we decided not to homeschool him, especially since he has only been home with us for 9 weeks, and because we have been a homeschool family for the past 10 years. Before even bringing the boys home we had talked about probably putting them in traditional school instead of homeschooling. Brian and I had many reasons for making this decision, but it all boiled down to it being the right thing to do for our family at this time in our lives. I am still VERY supportive of homeschooling, and I am SO glad that I homeschooled Taylor and Preston up to high school. Also, nothing is permanent. If Milkanu begins to have trouble in school, or the Lord changes our hearts in the future we will go back to homeschooling our younger boys. Christian education is very important to us, so we definetely plan to keep them in this small Christian school if we don't homeschool them. I had originally planned to homeschool Milkanu this year, and then put him in Taylor's school next year. But by about Week 2 home with the boys, we were talking about alternative plans! I knew that I needed the break from Milkanu during the day and that he also needed the break from me and to be around other kids his age. Trying to take care of a toddler, homeschool Preston (8th grade), AND keep a bored almost 6-yr-old busy and happy would have been much too difficult for me. No one would have gotten the attention they deserved. M also tested me more than anyone else, so I thought that having another authority figure with him during the day other than me, might help. Plus, since he was attaching so well to us, I didn't have that fear of him losing that or taking steps backward.
Before school began last week, we did everything we could think of to prepare him for this big step in his life. Thankfully, he had several months of school in Ethiopia while he was in the orphanage from September to April, so the concept of school was not foreign to him. Also, the fact that Taylor and Preston and all his friends from Ethiopia go to school has helped. We also went to the school and met with M's kindergarten teacher about a month before school began. She was able to evaluate him a little and make sure that he understood directions spoken in English. I also know it is a big help that Taylor goes to his school and that the school is very small. There are only 10 kids in his class--8 boys and two girls. They are dropped off together and Taylor walks him to where his classmates line up, then after school she picks him up and walks him to my car in the pick-up line. When we were buying supplies for school we let him pick everything out and we emphasized how much fun he would have. Most importantly, a few days before school began we took him to see Asmeret (my Ethiopian friend here) and she explained to him in Sidama exactly what to expect during the school day and what was expected of him. The principal, his teacher and myself are in good communication about his speech limitations, how to help him succeed, etc., which we also know is very important. And of course we are covering this whole venture in prayer and asking for prayer from many of you.
Oh, one other amazing thing and answer to prayer: there are several black children that attend his school, and he has one black boy in his kindergarten class! There are also several hispanic children in his class and children of other non-Caucasian races in the school as well. That is a very important thing to us for our boys to not feel completely isolated and different. We were very afraid that in a private school we would have a problem with this. You cannot understand how happy I was to see his classroom filled with children of different races. I had prayed about this issue a lot, and I cannot express to you how much this gladdens my heart. (On a side note, we are also thrilled that his soccer coach is a black man that we know very well. He is a wonderful coach and will be a great role model for our son.) Praise God!
Okay, back to that first week: we were SO nervous how this was going to go. Our last big, violent tantrum was because he was afraid to go to church and be separated from us, and that was the Sunday before school! So I was so anxious about how he would do come Monday morning. Lots of prayers went into it, and I just had to trust the Lord with how the outcome would be. We only paid for one month's tuition in case it didn't turn out positively. As usual, my faith was too small. God really worked a miracle last week. Not only did Milkanu do great in school all week, he never even hesitated when I hugged him goodbye before he walked into his classroom that first day. My mother-in-law had come to stay with Taddie at home that first day so I could stay at the school with Milkanu for a little while if he needed me to. However, he was doing so well, that I didn't even go into his classroom with him after walking with him in line with the other kids/parents. As I drove away, tears streamed down my face. Of course I was a little sad about sending both he and Taylor off to school (especially Taylor!), but I was crying also out of joy and relief. I just praised God the whole way home. My faith is often so small, yet God takes that tiny mustard seed and says, "See what I can do."
Thanks to all of you who were praying for us before and during that first day of school. Your prayers were truly heard and answered by our Lord. What a weight this has been off my shoulders. Last week was truly a blessing. The time away from M was needed. Even though he is doing SO much better now, he still needs a lot of attention and takes a lot of my time each day. This week gave me an opportunity to miss him and appreciate him more. Homeschooling just Preston was really enjoyable, and I look forward to having the time each day to focus on him and his schooling alone. I think it will be a nice time of bonding with him that we have never really had on a long-term basis. Also, it will be good to have more focused time with Taddie. I am really looking forward to this school year for all of us. I'll keep you all posted on how things progress (and hopefully don't regress) over the next several weeks and months. Keep up those prayers for us please!
Blessings to you all.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
6-Week Update
Yesterday marked six weeks since we came home from Ethiopia with the boys. Many wise adoptive parents and specialists said that things will start to get a lot better after the six-week mark. I can definetely attest to that. In fact, for us, everything started to slowly improve after the 4-week mark and it keeps slowly getting better every day. Milkanu is still testing us every day and exerting his will, but really it's not a lot different than a preschooler or other five-year-old "adjusted" kid would do. I had read that it is very common for these kids to revert to behavior common to a younger child. The biggest improvement is that M is able to understand the consequences of his actions ("If you continue to scream/throw a fit/not obey, you will not get any books before bed/get to come out of this room/have mommy stay here with you/etc."), and realize that throwing a fit does not get him what he wants. Not only is his English improving, but his UNDERSTANDING of English is so much better. That has helped tremendously when we're trying to correct bad behavior. Also, the more comfortable with and attached he has become to us have helped improve his behavior. There has barely been any hitting or fighting back in the last two weeks, and when he is upset he really wants our comfort. Which leads me to my next topic...
Attachment. That is probably the most used word in adoption circles and books. Obviously, a healthy attachment to the child's new family is the most important thing in an adoptee's mental, physical, emotional, and psychological health and well being. As AP's (adoptive parents), we do everything we can to try to make this happen. For some children, depending on their age, personality, and what they have been through in the past, this takes much longer to happen once they are in their new families. Even though we've had some very frustrating times with these boys, I am SO happy that their attachment to us (and us to them) is going very well. I am truly amazed that it has only been 6 weeks and that they are doing so well. When I look back at those first two to three weeks, I can't believe how far we've come. In fact, whenever I get frustrated with the disobedience, strong-wills, screaming, crying, etc., I let my mind go back to those first few weeks. We are miles from there, Praise the Lord!!!! The attachment has a lot to do with that, because as Milkanu learns to trust us more and believe that we truly love him and that he's forever part of our family, he fights us a lot less. He lets that guard down. He has gone from not wanting much comfort, to allowing comfort, to now seeking it out from us.
I have read about so many adoptive children who have trouble with attaching, so I am so thankful Milkanu has come around. And we have come around as well. You don't read a lot about the parents' attachment to the child, but it is definetely an issue for many of us who adopt older children or younger ones that aren't so "loveable" in the beginning. One fellow blogger wrote about the advice someone had given to her when she wasn't particularly bonding with her child yet. I thought it was so good that I am sharing it here: "This relatively short season of getting to know each other, adapt, and grow your love for each other is your womb time. With a biological kid, for moms it is very passive and generally automatic. Yet deep connections are formed. They make the stress of a newborn doable despite it being very hard to assimilate a little life to a whole new world. You just get to do womb time with ______ on the outside with two-way opinions and outsiders looking on. But, I have every confidence that a new life will be birthed out of this time. So nourish physically, provide a protective, comforting, and safe environment, and allow time for unseen connections to bind your hearts together. It's gonna happen..."
I am seeing that happen firsthand. I think I mentioned before that I appreciated the advice to "fake it 'til you feel it" in terms of feeling love and attachment to your adopted child. Doing everything you can to go through the motions (in a very convincing way) so that your children feel loved. To be honest, I did a lot of "faking" it in the beginning! I have no doubt that I will one day soon feel the same way toward Milkanu as I do toward the other children, but I'm not there yet. That is not an easy thing to admit or to be honest about, but since I have always tried to be very honest in this blog, I am not going to stop now! My goal has always been to help others who may be struggling with infertility or adoption and to glorify God in every trial and victory. My connection to M is getting better every day, though. Last night, after a particularly difficult afternoon with him, he laid his head on my stomach and just cuddled with me. Then he spent about 30 minutes brushing my hair (he is surprisingly gentle and good at it), which was awesome! When he goes to bed, he gives me such strong hugs and whispers "I love you" in my ear (I say it first, but that's okay for now!). Those are the moments that my heart melts and softens and more connections between us are formed. And those moments are so important in our relationship because we still have many trying times. Yesterday we were in Prescott spending time with family at my in-laws house. This was M and T's first trip to see Nana and Papa's house, and all his cousins and his Aunt Nise were there as well. It was a very crowded noisy house with 8 children there! M slept in the room with the other kids and did very well, not coming in to our room to get us until 6, as we have "trained" him to do with a digital alarm clock. M didn't have a breakdown until the afternoon, and when he did it escalated to the point where we were going to go home several hours earlier than planned. At the same time, T was being a pain in the rear (which he can be very good at!). I was very frustrated that we were still having issues with the same things again. After it was all done and M was calmed down and had apologized to me (with prompting only) and gave me a big hug (thankfully, not much prompting needed there), my tension dissolved.
Perspective. Every time we have difficulties with either of the boys--which is every day still--I remind myself that 6 weeks ago my sons were living in Ethiopia in a transitional home. Six weeks ago they were surrounded by people who looked like them. Six weeks ago they had lots of friends to play with. Six weeks ago they recognized the sounds, smells, sights, and language around them. Six weeks ago they lived in Africa. Not to mention that 11 months before that my boys were ripped from their birth family, taken to an orphanage to live with strangers for seven months, develop relationships with those strangers, only to have that all change for them as they moved to another temporary place six hours away, then 8 weeks later (probably just as they were getting used to the "new" place) taken from that place to live in America with strangers. Perspective. Yes, they are doing remarkably well considering everything that has happened to them in the last year. When I am completely frustrated with them, God keeps bringing all this to my mind and heart. It brings me to a better place of calm, patience, understanding, and compassion.
Tadesse has always done pretty well with this adjustment, and he continues to do so. He is stubborn and picky and whiny a lot, but he is also very loveable and affectionate, as I've mentioned before. He is very smart and understands a lot for his age, I think. We can usually stop his tantrums by telling him he is going to go "night night" if he doesn't stop. Sometimes I have to put him in his crib for one or two minutes by himself, and then when I go back to get him I ask him if he is all done crying. He stops crying and nods his head and the tantrum is usually over. Physically, he is doing awesome. His stomach parasite was wiped out with one dose of antibiotics, his swelled belly has gone away, the strength in his limbs is amazing now, and he's walking everywhere!!! Hard to believe he was like a limp ragdoll with a big belly just six weeks ago and barely able to stand. Praise God for his amazing improvement in such a short time.
Okay, I could go on and on about them, but I'll stop now so I can go spend some time playing. :) My next update will probably be after school starts, so I'll let you all know how that goes. I'm trying not to be so anxious and worried, but it's so difficult for me! School starts Aug. 15. Please pray for Milkanu that this is a smooth transition and a good choice for us. Prayers for continued bonding, help for Milkanu for his separation anxiety, less tantrums, more English acquisition, and less strong wills would be most appreciated!!!
God bless you all.
Attachment. That is probably the most used word in adoption circles and books. Obviously, a healthy attachment to the child's new family is the most important thing in an adoptee's mental, physical, emotional, and psychological health and well being. As AP's (adoptive parents), we do everything we can to try to make this happen. For some children, depending on their age, personality, and what they have been through in the past, this takes much longer to happen once they are in their new families. Even though we've had some very frustrating times with these boys, I am SO happy that their attachment to us (and us to them) is going very well. I am truly amazed that it has only been 6 weeks and that they are doing so well. When I look back at those first two to three weeks, I can't believe how far we've come. In fact, whenever I get frustrated with the disobedience, strong-wills, screaming, crying, etc., I let my mind go back to those first few weeks. We are miles from there, Praise the Lord!!!! The attachment has a lot to do with that, because as Milkanu learns to trust us more and believe that we truly love him and that he's forever part of our family, he fights us a lot less. He lets that guard down. He has gone from not wanting much comfort, to allowing comfort, to now seeking it out from us.
I have read about so many adoptive children who have trouble with attaching, so I am so thankful Milkanu has come around. And we have come around as well. You don't read a lot about the parents' attachment to the child, but it is definetely an issue for many of us who adopt older children or younger ones that aren't so "loveable" in the beginning. One fellow blogger wrote about the advice someone had given to her when she wasn't particularly bonding with her child yet. I thought it was so good that I am sharing it here: "This relatively short season of getting to know each other, adapt, and grow your love for each other is your womb time. With a biological kid, for moms it is very passive and generally automatic. Yet deep connections are formed. They make the stress of a newborn doable despite it being very hard to assimilate a little life to a whole new world. You just get to do womb time with ______ on the outside with two-way opinions and outsiders looking on. But, I have every confidence that a new life will be birthed out of this time. So nourish physically, provide a protective, comforting, and safe environment, and allow time for unseen connections to bind your hearts together. It's gonna happen..."
I am seeing that happen firsthand. I think I mentioned before that I appreciated the advice to "fake it 'til you feel it" in terms of feeling love and attachment to your adopted child. Doing everything you can to go through the motions (in a very convincing way) so that your children feel loved. To be honest, I did a lot of "faking" it in the beginning! I have no doubt that I will one day soon feel the same way toward Milkanu as I do toward the other children, but I'm not there yet. That is not an easy thing to admit or to be honest about, but since I have always tried to be very honest in this blog, I am not going to stop now! My goal has always been to help others who may be struggling with infertility or adoption and to glorify God in every trial and victory. My connection to M is getting better every day, though. Last night, after a particularly difficult afternoon with him, he laid his head on my stomach and just cuddled with me. Then he spent about 30 minutes brushing my hair (he is surprisingly gentle and good at it), which was awesome! When he goes to bed, he gives me such strong hugs and whispers "I love you" in my ear (I say it first, but that's okay for now!). Those are the moments that my heart melts and softens and more connections between us are formed. And those moments are so important in our relationship because we still have many trying times. Yesterday we were in Prescott spending time with family at my in-laws house. This was M and T's first trip to see Nana and Papa's house, and all his cousins and his Aunt Nise were there as well. It was a very crowded noisy house with 8 children there! M slept in the room with the other kids and did very well, not coming in to our room to get us until 6, as we have "trained" him to do with a digital alarm clock. M didn't have a breakdown until the afternoon, and when he did it escalated to the point where we were going to go home several hours earlier than planned. At the same time, T was being a pain in the rear (which he can be very good at!). I was very frustrated that we were still having issues with the same things again. After it was all done and M was calmed down and had apologized to me (with prompting only) and gave me a big hug (thankfully, not much prompting needed there), my tension dissolved.
Perspective. Every time we have difficulties with either of the boys--which is every day still--I remind myself that 6 weeks ago my sons were living in Ethiopia in a transitional home. Six weeks ago they were surrounded by people who looked like them. Six weeks ago they had lots of friends to play with. Six weeks ago they recognized the sounds, smells, sights, and language around them. Six weeks ago they lived in Africa. Not to mention that 11 months before that my boys were ripped from their birth family, taken to an orphanage to live with strangers for seven months, develop relationships with those strangers, only to have that all change for them as they moved to another temporary place six hours away, then 8 weeks later (probably just as they were getting used to the "new" place) taken from that place to live in America with strangers. Perspective. Yes, they are doing remarkably well considering everything that has happened to them in the last year. When I am completely frustrated with them, God keeps bringing all this to my mind and heart. It brings me to a better place of calm, patience, understanding, and compassion.
Tadesse has always done pretty well with this adjustment, and he continues to do so. He is stubborn and picky and whiny a lot, but he is also very loveable and affectionate, as I've mentioned before. He is very smart and understands a lot for his age, I think. We can usually stop his tantrums by telling him he is going to go "night night" if he doesn't stop. Sometimes I have to put him in his crib for one or two minutes by himself, and then when I go back to get him I ask him if he is all done crying. He stops crying and nods his head and the tantrum is usually over. Physically, he is doing awesome. His stomach parasite was wiped out with one dose of antibiotics, his swelled belly has gone away, the strength in his limbs is amazing now, and he's walking everywhere!!! Hard to believe he was like a limp ragdoll with a big belly just six weeks ago and barely able to stand. Praise God for his amazing improvement in such a short time.
Okay, I could go on and on about them, but I'll stop now so I can go spend some time playing. :) My next update will probably be after school starts, so I'll let you all know how that goes. I'm trying not to be so anxious and worried, but it's so difficult for me! School starts Aug. 15. Please pray for Milkanu that this is a smooth transition and a good choice for us. Prayers for continued bonding, help for Milkanu for his separation anxiety, less tantrums, more English acquisition, and less strong wills would be most appreciated!!!
God bless you all.
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