"Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the Lord and discover the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:2-5
December 18 was probably the most significant day for me since adopting Milkanu and Tadesse on June 18, 2011. It would have been significant enough because it marked 6 months since the boys first came home to our family. It could have been significant enough because it was the boys first time ever seeing snow fall or Milkanu's first time building a snowman. But more significant to me than even all that was what took place in my heart and in a little boy's words of remorse. But to understand the significance of all that, I'll have to back up about a month...
Since the last post I wrote indicated everything was going very smoothly, some of you may be quite shocked to learn of the difficulties that we've had with Milkanu in this past month. But those of you who have experience with children who've endured trauma and deep pain and loss will know that it is very normal for them to have periods of improvements and then set-backs along the way. However, even though we knew this could happen with Milkanu as well, we didn't expect it to be as bad as it has been. Especially because he had been doing SO well for a long period of time. At first it took us awhile to figure out what had triggered his negative behavior, but we did finally conclude that everything began after our trip to Hawaii. Brian and I had taken a week-long getaway to Maui to celebrate our 17th anniversary. Milkanu had been doing so well that we felt confident that he would do fine with us leaving that long. Plus, he was staying at our house with Taylor, Preston, and Nana and Papa Baker (Brian's parents). Milkanu has become very attached to my in-laws, so we felt he would do well. And, in fact, he had no problems at all while we were gone. However, his behavior that has followed in the month since the trip has convinced us that us leaving him probably triggered memories of being separated from his birth family, created fear, anger, and insecurity, and a bunch of other "junk" inside of his little mind. At first we felt so guilty about our trip, but our pastor, adoption caseworker, and the attachment therapist that we are now consulting with all agreed that it was important for Brian and I to take the time alone together to strengthen our marriage and to give us a much needed break from all the stress of the past months.
Since Thanksgiving (the day we came back from Hawaii) we have seen moments of anger and rage in Milkanu that in some ways have been worse than the meltdowns he had in that first month home with us. In the beginning, when he would hit, bite, kick, and pinch it was accompanied by a lot of crying and screaming at the top of his lungs. This past month, however, when he is in "a rage", he is often void of outward emotion. No tears, no remorse, no nothing--except super-human strength, anger, and violence directed at us. Now that he knows a lot of English, he has used it to say very cruel and hateful things to Brian and I: I hate you. I don't love you. I go back to Ethiopia. You're not my Mommy/Daddy. You no cry; I laugh when you cry. You're yucky. Etc. Since the words have happened a few times now, I have gotten used to them and have learned to not take it personally. He has trashed his room, broken toys, ripped up money (his own), broken his door handle, taken off his seatbelt and stood up in the car while I was driving down the freeway, and more. On many recent occasions he has been defiant, destructive, unremorseful, disrespectful, stubborn as hell, and just plain mean. In other words, it has not been pretty.
Most people outside of our family have not seen these behaviors and probably have a hard time believing we're talking about the same kid! They see the sweet, loving, affectionate, outgoing, happy Milkanu. I know in my heart that this is the true Milkanu, and that the pain he has experienced in the past and the fear he still holds onto are the things that are fueling this poor behavior. We know that he has been through more than we could ever imagine experiencing and that we should have immeasurable compassion for him all the time, but when we are in the thick of it with him, it is often hard to react appropriately. We are human and we have our breaking points. Dealing with M has truly been unlike anything we have dealt with before. I'm going to be completely honest here, so please don't report me to the authorities: there have been moments that we've wanted to send him back to Ethiopia. Sounds awful doesn't it? But if you haven't experienced what we have, there is no way you can possibly understand how it feels and how you would feel or act. Thankfully, the Lord has kept those negative feelings to a minimum, and the majority of the time we do feel love and compassion. We know that his behavior is very common and expected, we've read about similar behavior again and again in blogs, in adoption books, and in friends' emails to us. We know that many parents have been where we have been; we are certainly not alone. But it is still very hard.
On a positive note, Milkanu continues to do very well in school and these issues he has at home, stay at home. In fact, his teacher and the principal were pretty surprised when I informed them about what is going on and asked them to be praying for him. I am also the one he tests the most. He tests and disobeys Brian as well, but he seems to challenge me more. But, he is also more attached to me--emotionally and literally. He is often extremally, over-the-top affectionate with me, hugging, kissing, touching my face, wanting to be on my lap, etc. It's obvious that he struggles with his feelings about his birth mom and that connection with me. Often, it's a push and pull with me. I know many parents who have struggled with their adopted child attaching to them, so I feel very fortunate that he is so affectionate. But at times it can be exhausting and almost suffocating for me. BUT, I would gladly take the over-the-top-affection instead of the physical attacks!
So, getting back to Sunday, December 18. We were in Prescott at Brian's parents' house. Brian had already left to go back to Phoenix, but I was planning on staying there with the kids until Tuesday. We had another issue with Milkanu refusing to go to bed. Now, with our birth children we would have spanked them, taken something away, or something else along those lines. And it would have worked. But, Milkanu is nothing like our other children! What worked with parenting them DOES NOT WORK with Milkanu. We can't spank him for obvious reasons (he would not understand we were disciplining out of Christian Biblical principles, and he already has anger and control issues and that would just exasperate him); we can't take anything away (since most of his life he never had anything that was his own, it's not a big deal for him to lose a toy; we can't lock the door to make him stay there because he'll either trash the room in anger and/or break the door down. Let me tell you, it is a very hopeless feeling--to feel like your 6-year-old is in control. That night I had tried everything I could think of. My father-in-law then took over, but that didn't go much better. Finally, I knelt beside his bed and calmly talked with him about what was going on in his heart. We talked about what he was feeling and why he was resisting bedtime. I stayed calm and kept my voice loving and positive. I asked him if he wanted to pray together to ask God to help him to listen and obey. It worked!!!! He eventually told me he was sorry and asked for forgiveness for his disobedience. Then he told me something that was so simple, so obvious, and exactly what Brian had been telling me to do for the past month: "Mommy, when I am feeling sad and angry inside, and you and Daddy talk to me, I feel much better." You are probably reading this and thinking that I should have known all along that would work better than threatening, raising my voice, getting frustrated with him, or walking away. In fact, that's what all the experts say to do. And I'm not saying that I always reacted badly to Milkanu's bad behavior, or that I never talked to him about his feelings. But more often than I would like to admit, my patience was short and the side of me that was fighting to control the situation won out. In parenting Milkanu, not only have I been struggling with patience, but I have been also fighting to win the battles with him. In my mind (and due to previous parenting that worked with Taylor and Preston), I had to always win the argument so he would respect my authority and know that I knew what was best for him. But this approach did not work with Milkanu. Time after time I knew that my methods were not working, but I just couldn't seem to correct my behavior. That night, after hearing his genuine, innocent words and seeing the positive outcome of how I was reacting to him, my heart changed. That's not to say that since then I haven't had moments of weakness and slipped back into my old ways at times, but I have tried much harder to parent differently. And the majority of the time the results are far better.
Even though we have seen some improvement in Milkanu's behavior and we truly feel like we have turned a corner for the better, we're still having problems with him. So we decided a few weeks ago to get him into a child therapist who specializes in children who have been adopted at an older age and struggle with the types of feelings and behaviors that are common to Milkanu. She is a Christian and she was recommended to us through our social worker. We met her already and feel very positive about her being able to help Milkanu. He will meet with her for the first time next week, so please pray that that meeting goes well. He has told me some things that have happened at the orphanage to him (by other kids), and I know that--along with the abandonment issues--plays a big role in his trauma. She said that as more comes to the surface that he is repressing or doesn't want to talk about, behavior could get worse before it gets better. That is a little scary to us, so please keep us in your prayers!
On that note, I must thank many of you again from the bottom of my heart. I know my family and many close friends have been praying for us daily throughout these past six months, and praying more fervently when I reached out to you in these past few weeks. I can tell you honestly that your prayers have made all the difference. Although we are far from perfect, I feel that through the Lord's help both Brian and I have become much better parents for Milkanu. It is only by the grace of God that we've been able to do that, and your intercession has brought that about. I treasure you all dearly, and just pray that I can return the favor and blessing to you in your time of need now or in the future. Please let us know how we can pray for you!
God bless you all in the new year.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
12-Week Update
I am letting you know right now that this blog post may be looooong and filled with random thoughts as I reflect on the last couple months in our family's lives. It just takes too much time and thought at this point to organize my writing into a cohesive and clever tale, so (sorry) this is what you get. You've been duly warned...
I have been meaning to update everyone on the boys and how we are all doing for a few weeks now, but alas, "life" gets in the way of my intentions to sit at the computer for any length of time. One would think that with Milkanu and Taylor in school that I would have a lot more time on my hands... but that just isn't happening yet. My house is slightly cleaner (yet I still haven't begun the thorough deep cleaning I keep planning to do), I have made it back to the gym (Taddie goes with me twice a week) and running on the treadmill at home, and I am managing to be fairly successful in homeschooling Preston and taking care of a toddler. But I don't seem to get much further than that. I swear I am at the grocery store at least two times a week, and usually three. I can't believe how much more food we go through with four kids. Plus, my scattered brain usually forgets several items at each shopping trip, forcing me to return a day or two later. Tadesse, although immensely adorable, does not allow me to get a lot accomplished until he takes a nap. His naptime is usually spent with me picking up the house, taking a shower, returning a few quick emails, paying bills, running to the store, and playing a game and/or getting school done with Preston. I keep wanting to take a nap, but that hasn't worked out yet. When Taddie's not napping, I seem to spend my time herding him out of the room Preston happens to be in so that his older brother can concentrate on school. During the day I am constantly picking up toys; wiping down messy counters, high chairs, and faces; searching for the missing sippy cup as Taddie follows me around like a scratched record yelling, "MA, WAH!"; changing diapers; washing clothes; correcting school work; picking up a fussy toddler ("MA, UP!"); dropping off at school; picking up at school; brushing someone's teeth; getting someone dressed; making someone lunch or a snack... NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING!!! In fact, just so that some of you don't roll your eyes and stop reading right now, please hear this: I do know that many of you are just as busy, if not busier than me right now. I am merely stating all this to emphasize the fact that this "busyness" is totally new for me, and so different than what my life was 3 months ago. The old me would look at the clock right now as I sit here typing and think, "Oh, it's only 9:50pm--I still have plenty of time before the night comes to a close." That Me is long gone. I keep glancing at the clock and stressing that it's almost 10 and I'm not in bed! So, alas, I will pick this up tomorrow. Let me just finish this thought, though. I am getting used to this new life, and I am learning to love it. I am thankful for the chaos because the two little guys who have brought it into my life are truly blessings from God. (I couldn't say that in all honesty two months ago, as many of you know!)
Okay, it's now a week later... So much for updating this blog in a timely manner. I really need to post more often so this isn't such a daunting task. I feel like I have so much to say, because so much has happened--and immensely improved--in the last month or so from my last post. Most importantly, it feels like Milkanu has turned a corner. I will use his own words spoken two days ago to explain what I mean by that:
"Mommy, Milkanu very, very happy all day now, all time."
That sums it up exactly. He's really happy. And truly he has been that way ALL the time for two weeks now, with not even a hint of a meltdown or tantrum. We've been home for more than three months, and what a difference three months makes! We have had no discipline issues, complete obedience, and no tears. It has been amazing. He is warm and affectionate and very quick to smile. Have I mentioned yet that he has the most amazing smile I have ever seen? Truly! I've even been able to talk about Ethiopia and his birth family with him a little bit without him getting emotional, like he has in the past when I've tried it. He seems so much more relaxed and comfortable, which allows us to relax more around him. Up until a few weeks ago, I spent so much time being anxious and in anticipation of a breakdown that I couldn't fully enjoy Milkanu's company. I feel like I can finally let down my guard. It's a wonderfully freeing feeling. Not that I am naive enough to think we will never have any more issues. Of course we will. We have had lots of ups and downs and stretches of good behavior, but none quite like this. This just feels so different. And I am just so thrilled for Milkanu. After all that he has been through, he deserves to be happy, to feel loved, secure, and safe. He deserves to be a little kid, without the weight of trauma and loss and fear on his small shoulders. I praise God for bringing him to where he is today.
(Four days later...) I think tonight I will finally finish what I've started with this post. However, I don't predict that I will be able to sum everything up quickly because I keep thinking of new things to write about. Can you tell I am in a much better place than I was when I posted in June right after we got home? Uh, yeah! So yesterday and today the word "irony" took on a whole new meaning for me. Or maybe it's "Murphy's Law". I don't know. I just know that I kept finding myself humming that Alanis Morisette song throughout the day, thinking she could have been singing about life with little kids. I am sure many of you can relate to the following:
Of course it's only when you put your 6-yr-old in a clean, white polo that the teacher decides to hand out chocolate ice cream at lunch. Or when you just washed the sheets that morning (after putting it off for a month) that your child drinks too much water at his soccer game and pees in his bed. Or when your older son scores his first goal of the season at the precise time that your younger one spills his entire cherry snowcone on his lap, and of course no one else from your family is there to have witnessed the goal either (or to help you clean up while your toddler is about to run on the soccer field). Or you go into the Burger King bathroom to change a very poopy diaper when you are an hour from home, to find there is no changing table in the bathroom (that should be illegal). So you lay your baby on the crowded floor of your car and change him there as he screams as if you are beating him and bystanders throw you dirty looks, praying that you won't run out of wipes before the deed is done. (Is it bad to throw said dirty diaper in the inside restaurant trash just for spite?) Can anyone relate???!!!!
But although my day started out not as good--especially when Taddie only slept for about 45 minutes in the car, with no other nap, and proceeded to be a whiny MESS the rest of the day--it ended awesomely. Milkanu was really tired and was going to go to bed early, but then as we were reading a book about Ethiopia, it opened up a discussion about his birth family that lasted about forty-five minutes. Up until a few weeks ago, we hadn't been able to talk about this subject in much detail without him getting emotional and upset. He was eager to talk about his home, which I learned was a very small grass hut with tree branches on the ground to sleep on and a very flimsy front door, which scared him because he was afraid of what or who might come in. A few weeks ago he told me (and then again tonight) about a lion that was once outside of his house that roared very loudly and scared him quite a bit. Apparently, villagers tried to shoot it, but missed. He told me today that it bit someone, but they survived. I also learned that he had two chickens for eggs and a cow (or two?) for milk. He said he stayed inside the house most of the time and didn't have any toys. But the big breakthrough today was in talking about a particular member of his birth family. To protect his privacy, I won't give any specific details, but I will say that it was a very exciting (and sad) conversation. We even put this family member's picture on his bedside table, which was something he absolutely did not want there when he first came to America. Milkanu handled the conversation very well, and I proceeded very slowly and carefully, taking cues from him. He talked about how he felt when he was brought to the orphanage and how sad he was. It just broke my heart, and I had a hard time fighting back the tears. I was able to express to him how this birth family member felt (as expressed to us when we met with this person in Ethiopia), and explain to him why his family could no longer take care of him and Tadesse. I think he understood most of what I was saying; what a breakthrough! Tonight was a very important step in his emotional healing from his past, and I am so thankful to have been able to share it with him. I cannot fully explain how it feels to learn information about your own son's first five years of life that you did not know about. I have felt so left out and saddened for missing so much, but as he learns more English and talks about his life before he came to be with us, I feel more and more connected to him. It's fascinating, really. And exciting. And I can't wait to find out more.
An interesting and unique thing about Milkanu is that he is VERY good at folding clothes, cleaning, and making his bed. You would think he had been in the military after watching how neat and precise he is. It's quite amazing for his age. When I asked him about it today, he said that in the orphanage he always made his own bed and no one helped him. He said he had to do most things by himself there, and he likes it here when people help him. He also talked about not ever having a pillow before, and how much he likes his new home, room, bed, and pillow. Can you even imagine?
So, I'll try my best now to update you on the kids more specifically. Taddie has grown more than 2 inches and has gained five pounds in the three months that he has been in America. Isn't that amazing? He is saying lots of words on his own, and repeats even more. In fact, he tries to say most every word you ask him to. The most recent words he has been saying a lot are "ahmarica" (Milkanu got a harmonica for his birthday) and "waffle" (his favorite breakfast food). He is super sweet and loving, but he is completely going through the "terrible twos" already. He spends lots of moments in two-minute time-outs. Usually it's for an infraction against his older brother or for throwing a screaming tantrum because he doesn't get what he wants. He always wants what someone else is playing with even if he stopped playing with it. He really tests us by deliberately doing what we tell him not to. Typical toddler stuff, really. It's just a little harder now that I'm a little older than the last time I dealt with this! On the flip side, my favorite thing about Taddie is that he is so loving to those he knows, and he is getting much better at warming up to strangers. He has attached so well to our family and goes to everyone readily. Preston, who before was very nervous around babies, is quite attached to Taddie, and Taddie in return to Preston. This year they have together before Preston goes to high school has been priceless. And I love that Taddie is very affectionate towards Brian, and easily goes to him for comfort. When Taylor and Preston were little, they mainly just wanted Mommy. So big difference there. It brings such joy to my heart to see Brian and Taddie interact together, especially because Brian has never been "into" babies. What a blessing (and a challenge!) Tadesse has been to our family. :)
School for Taylor and Milkanu has been going so awesome. I think I talked about that in another post, but I'll just touch on it briefly here. I am so, so, so, so thankful that we chose to put Milkanu in school. It was the right choice for him and for the rest of the family as well. I don't think he would be doing as well as he is in our family had he not had that experience. He told me that he loves school, and his teacher tells me that he is such a joy in class. He has been going for 6 weeks now, and in that time he has learned a lot of English, is learning to read, writes much better, and is more outgoing. We have only had two mornings with a little bit of crying and not wanting to go to school and both of those were because of lack of sleep. But on both occasions he was fine by the time we got to school. He went on his first field trip last week to a fire station and he had such a good time. For weeks leading up to it he couldn't wait to ride on the school bus! On our way to school every day he counts the yellow school buses that we pass. It's just funny that that was the highlight of the trip for him. His teacher told me that it was such a joy watching the wonder in his eyes as he experienced so many new things. I couldn't be more pleased with how well he is doing.
One of my most favorite things that has happened since bringing Milkanu home has been celebrating his 6th birthday. Having NEVER before celebrated a birthday, this was a totally foreign concept to him. His birthday was last Wednesday, September 14. It was a especially poignant time for me because it marked six years since God had first placed adoption on our hearts. Looking back, I am so amazed we are where we are today with the answer to our prayers (even though three months ago, it honestly didn't feel like the answer that we wanted!) He had no idea what a birthday cake or presents were. It was so much fun watching him delight in the attention that he got on his special day and during his party on the weekend. For his birthday, I made cupcakes to hand out at school and cookies to give at soccer. At school he got to wear a birthday hat and blow out a big candle while everyone sang happy birthday. All his classmates made him individual homemade cards, which were adorable! Saturday we all dressed up in our Ethiopian clothes (well, the little kids and I did, while Taylor and Preston wore soccer jerseys from Ethiopia) and went to a local Ethiopian restaurant. I'll try to remember to post pictures of that soon. The food was SO yummy and Milkanu loved it very much. Sunday we had a family party for him with his favorite food--pizza--and a "Finding Nemo" birthday cake, along with balloons, signs, hats, and blowers. Aunt Nise, Uncle Jake, all his cousins, and all the grandparents were there to share in his special celebration. The gift opening was confusing to him, but his big cousin was happy to help show him how to tear the wrapping paper. His big gift was a train set/table that we all pitched in to buy, and Preston spent the next two days building. I think he will always remember his "first" birthday. :)
Favorite things Milkanu has said, or done (told you I was skipping around): 1) When I reading something to myself, he kept telling me that no, I wasn't reading because he couldn't hear me. I told him that I was reading it in my head, so he proceeded to lean in real close to try to "hear" my reading. :) 2) When he sings the alphabet song, at the end he accidently says: "Next time, don't you sing with me". 3) The words "two" and "too" used to really confuse him. When I said, "I love you, too." Milkanu would say, "I love you three." Love it!
Okay, another random thought--probably the last of the night: I told my family today that when I gained more kids, I lost more brain cells. I often can't seem to remember what I've told people or what they've told me, can't focus on more than one child talking to me at the same time, can't play Sequence with my older son while my husband is telling me a soccer story and Taddie is crying at my side (I'm so irritated I didn't block Preston's move and therefore lost the game today), and can't complete a thought in this blog to save my life... Ugghh!
Thanks for understanding...
And loving me anyway...
I think it best I go to bed now... :)
I have been meaning to update everyone on the boys and how we are all doing for a few weeks now, but alas, "life" gets in the way of my intentions to sit at the computer for any length of time. One would think that with Milkanu and Taylor in school that I would have a lot more time on my hands... but that just isn't happening yet. My house is slightly cleaner (yet I still haven't begun the thorough deep cleaning I keep planning to do), I have made it back to the gym (Taddie goes with me twice a week) and running on the treadmill at home, and I am managing to be fairly successful in homeschooling Preston and taking care of a toddler. But I don't seem to get much further than that. I swear I am at the grocery store at least two times a week, and usually three. I can't believe how much more food we go through with four kids. Plus, my scattered brain usually forgets several items at each shopping trip, forcing me to return a day or two later. Tadesse, although immensely adorable, does not allow me to get a lot accomplished until he takes a nap. His naptime is usually spent with me picking up the house, taking a shower, returning a few quick emails, paying bills, running to the store, and playing a game and/or getting school done with Preston. I keep wanting to take a nap, but that hasn't worked out yet. When Taddie's not napping, I seem to spend my time herding him out of the room Preston happens to be in so that his older brother can concentrate on school. During the day I am constantly picking up toys; wiping down messy counters, high chairs, and faces; searching for the missing sippy cup as Taddie follows me around like a scratched record yelling, "MA, WAH!"; changing diapers; washing clothes; correcting school work; picking up a fussy toddler ("MA, UP!"); dropping off at school; picking up at school; brushing someone's teeth; getting someone dressed; making someone lunch or a snack... NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING!!! In fact, just so that some of you don't roll your eyes and stop reading right now, please hear this: I do know that many of you are just as busy, if not busier than me right now. I am merely stating all this to emphasize the fact that this "busyness" is totally new for me, and so different than what my life was 3 months ago. The old me would look at the clock right now as I sit here typing and think, "Oh, it's only 9:50pm--I still have plenty of time before the night comes to a close." That Me is long gone. I keep glancing at the clock and stressing that it's almost 10 and I'm not in bed! So, alas, I will pick this up tomorrow. Let me just finish this thought, though. I am getting used to this new life, and I am learning to love it. I am thankful for the chaos because the two little guys who have brought it into my life are truly blessings from God. (I couldn't say that in all honesty two months ago, as many of you know!)
Okay, it's now a week later... So much for updating this blog in a timely manner. I really need to post more often so this isn't such a daunting task. I feel like I have so much to say, because so much has happened--and immensely improved--in the last month or so from my last post. Most importantly, it feels like Milkanu has turned a corner. I will use his own words spoken two days ago to explain what I mean by that:
"Mommy, Milkanu very, very happy all day now, all time."
That sums it up exactly. He's really happy. And truly he has been that way ALL the time for two weeks now, with not even a hint of a meltdown or tantrum. We've been home for more than three months, and what a difference three months makes! We have had no discipline issues, complete obedience, and no tears. It has been amazing. He is warm and affectionate and very quick to smile. Have I mentioned yet that he has the most amazing smile I have ever seen? Truly! I've even been able to talk about Ethiopia and his birth family with him a little bit without him getting emotional, like he has in the past when I've tried it. He seems so much more relaxed and comfortable, which allows us to relax more around him. Up until a few weeks ago, I spent so much time being anxious and in anticipation of a breakdown that I couldn't fully enjoy Milkanu's company. I feel like I can finally let down my guard. It's a wonderfully freeing feeling. Not that I am naive enough to think we will never have any more issues. Of course we will. We have had lots of ups and downs and stretches of good behavior, but none quite like this. This just feels so different. And I am just so thrilled for Milkanu. After all that he has been through, he deserves to be happy, to feel loved, secure, and safe. He deserves to be a little kid, without the weight of trauma and loss and fear on his small shoulders. I praise God for bringing him to where he is today.
(Four days later...) I think tonight I will finally finish what I've started with this post. However, I don't predict that I will be able to sum everything up quickly because I keep thinking of new things to write about. Can you tell I am in a much better place than I was when I posted in June right after we got home? Uh, yeah! So yesterday and today the word "irony" took on a whole new meaning for me. Or maybe it's "Murphy's Law". I don't know. I just know that I kept finding myself humming that Alanis Morisette song throughout the day, thinking she could have been singing about life with little kids. I am sure many of you can relate to the following:
Of course it's only when you put your 6-yr-old in a clean, white polo that the teacher decides to hand out chocolate ice cream at lunch. Or when you just washed the sheets that morning (after putting it off for a month) that your child drinks too much water at his soccer game and pees in his bed. Or when your older son scores his first goal of the season at the precise time that your younger one spills his entire cherry snowcone on his lap, and of course no one else from your family is there to have witnessed the goal either (or to help you clean up while your toddler is about to run on the soccer field). Or you go into the Burger King bathroom to change a very poopy diaper when you are an hour from home, to find there is no changing table in the bathroom (that should be illegal). So you lay your baby on the crowded floor of your car and change him there as he screams as if you are beating him and bystanders throw you dirty looks, praying that you won't run out of wipes before the deed is done. (Is it bad to throw said dirty diaper in the inside restaurant trash just for spite?) Can anyone relate???!!!!
But although my day started out not as good--especially when Taddie only slept for about 45 minutes in the car, with no other nap, and proceeded to be a whiny MESS the rest of the day--it ended awesomely. Milkanu was really tired and was going to go to bed early, but then as we were reading a book about Ethiopia, it opened up a discussion about his birth family that lasted about forty-five minutes. Up until a few weeks ago, we hadn't been able to talk about this subject in much detail without him getting emotional and upset. He was eager to talk about his home, which I learned was a very small grass hut with tree branches on the ground to sleep on and a very flimsy front door, which scared him because he was afraid of what or who might come in. A few weeks ago he told me (and then again tonight) about a lion that was once outside of his house that roared very loudly and scared him quite a bit. Apparently, villagers tried to shoot it, but missed. He told me today that it bit someone, but they survived. I also learned that he had two chickens for eggs and a cow (or two?) for milk. He said he stayed inside the house most of the time and didn't have any toys. But the big breakthrough today was in talking about a particular member of his birth family. To protect his privacy, I won't give any specific details, but I will say that it was a very exciting (and sad) conversation. We even put this family member's picture on his bedside table, which was something he absolutely did not want there when he first came to America. Milkanu handled the conversation very well, and I proceeded very slowly and carefully, taking cues from him. He talked about how he felt when he was brought to the orphanage and how sad he was. It just broke my heart, and I had a hard time fighting back the tears. I was able to express to him how this birth family member felt (as expressed to us when we met with this person in Ethiopia), and explain to him why his family could no longer take care of him and Tadesse. I think he understood most of what I was saying; what a breakthrough! Tonight was a very important step in his emotional healing from his past, and I am so thankful to have been able to share it with him. I cannot fully explain how it feels to learn information about your own son's first five years of life that you did not know about. I have felt so left out and saddened for missing so much, but as he learns more English and talks about his life before he came to be with us, I feel more and more connected to him. It's fascinating, really. And exciting. And I can't wait to find out more.
An interesting and unique thing about Milkanu is that he is VERY good at folding clothes, cleaning, and making his bed. You would think he had been in the military after watching how neat and precise he is. It's quite amazing for his age. When I asked him about it today, he said that in the orphanage he always made his own bed and no one helped him. He said he had to do most things by himself there, and he likes it here when people help him. He also talked about not ever having a pillow before, and how much he likes his new home, room, bed, and pillow. Can you even imagine?
So, I'll try my best now to update you on the kids more specifically. Taddie has grown more than 2 inches and has gained five pounds in the three months that he has been in America. Isn't that amazing? He is saying lots of words on his own, and repeats even more. In fact, he tries to say most every word you ask him to. The most recent words he has been saying a lot are "ahmarica" (Milkanu got a harmonica for his birthday) and "waffle" (his favorite breakfast food). He is super sweet and loving, but he is completely going through the "terrible twos" already. He spends lots of moments in two-minute time-outs. Usually it's for an infraction against his older brother or for throwing a screaming tantrum because he doesn't get what he wants. He always wants what someone else is playing with even if he stopped playing with it. He really tests us by deliberately doing what we tell him not to. Typical toddler stuff, really. It's just a little harder now that I'm a little older than the last time I dealt with this! On the flip side, my favorite thing about Taddie is that he is so loving to those he knows, and he is getting much better at warming up to strangers. He has attached so well to our family and goes to everyone readily. Preston, who before was very nervous around babies, is quite attached to Taddie, and Taddie in return to Preston. This year they have together before Preston goes to high school has been priceless. And I love that Taddie is very affectionate towards Brian, and easily goes to him for comfort. When Taylor and Preston were little, they mainly just wanted Mommy. So big difference there. It brings such joy to my heart to see Brian and Taddie interact together, especially because Brian has never been "into" babies. What a blessing (and a challenge!) Tadesse has been to our family. :)
School for Taylor and Milkanu has been going so awesome. I think I talked about that in another post, but I'll just touch on it briefly here. I am so, so, so, so thankful that we chose to put Milkanu in school. It was the right choice for him and for the rest of the family as well. I don't think he would be doing as well as he is in our family had he not had that experience. He told me that he loves school, and his teacher tells me that he is such a joy in class. He has been going for 6 weeks now, and in that time he has learned a lot of English, is learning to read, writes much better, and is more outgoing. We have only had two mornings with a little bit of crying and not wanting to go to school and both of those were because of lack of sleep. But on both occasions he was fine by the time we got to school. He went on his first field trip last week to a fire station and he had such a good time. For weeks leading up to it he couldn't wait to ride on the school bus! On our way to school every day he counts the yellow school buses that we pass. It's just funny that that was the highlight of the trip for him. His teacher told me that it was such a joy watching the wonder in his eyes as he experienced so many new things. I couldn't be more pleased with how well he is doing.
One of my most favorite things that has happened since bringing Milkanu home has been celebrating his 6th birthday. Having NEVER before celebrated a birthday, this was a totally foreign concept to him. His birthday was last Wednesday, September 14. It was a especially poignant time for me because it marked six years since God had first placed adoption on our hearts. Looking back, I am so amazed we are where we are today with the answer to our prayers (even though three months ago, it honestly didn't feel like the answer that we wanted!) He had no idea what a birthday cake or presents were. It was so much fun watching him delight in the attention that he got on his special day and during his party on the weekend. For his birthday, I made cupcakes to hand out at school and cookies to give at soccer. At school he got to wear a birthday hat and blow out a big candle while everyone sang happy birthday. All his classmates made him individual homemade cards, which were adorable! Saturday we all dressed up in our Ethiopian clothes (well, the little kids and I did, while Taylor and Preston wore soccer jerseys from Ethiopia) and went to a local Ethiopian restaurant. I'll try to remember to post pictures of that soon. The food was SO yummy and Milkanu loved it very much. Sunday we had a family party for him with his favorite food--pizza--and a "Finding Nemo" birthday cake, along with balloons, signs, hats, and blowers. Aunt Nise, Uncle Jake, all his cousins, and all the grandparents were there to share in his special celebration. The gift opening was confusing to him, but his big cousin was happy to help show him how to tear the wrapping paper. His big gift was a train set/table that we all pitched in to buy, and Preston spent the next two days building. I think he will always remember his "first" birthday. :)
Favorite things Milkanu has said, or done (told you I was skipping around): 1) When I reading something to myself, he kept telling me that no, I wasn't reading because he couldn't hear me. I told him that I was reading it in my head, so he proceeded to lean in real close to try to "hear" my reading. :) 2) When he sings the alphabet song, at the end he accidently says: "Next time, don't you sing with me". 3) The words "two" and "too" used to really confuse him. When I said, "I love you, too." Milkanu would say, "I love you three." Love it!
Okay, another random thought--probably the last of the night: I told my family today that when I gained more kids, I lost more brain cells. I often can't seem to remember what I've told people or what they've told me, can't focus on more than one child talking to me at the same time, can't play Sequence with my older son while my husband is telling me a soccer story and Taddie is crying at my side (I'm so irritated I didn't block Preston's move and therefore lost the game today), and can't complete a thought in this blog to save my life... Ugghh!
Thanks for understanding...
And loving me anyway...
I think it best I go to bed now... :)
Sunday, August 21, 2011
First Week of School: Success!
There have been a lot of "firsts" for us these past few weeks. This past week was Milkanu's first week of school and longest time he had been separated from his family. For the first time in 14 years, my oldest child Taylor enjoyed her first week of "traditional" school (I had homeschooled her for the last 10 years; she is a freshman in high school). Last Sunday we attended church as a family for the first time since coming home with the boys, and this Sunday Milkanu went to Sunday School all by himself. Preston had his first full day of school away from me at a local homeschool co-op: he takes three classes plus lunch with other homeschoolers on Mondays. For the first time in 9 years, I am only homeschooling one child (much easier!). And for the first time in 9 weeks, I could take a nap in the middle of the day if I wanted to!!!! Hasn't happened yet because I fill Taddie's naptime with all the stuff I don't get done when he's awake, but I do hope to take advantage of that sometimes. :) And one more first: Milkanu told me "I love you" without me having to say it first to him. Wow, that one really melted my heart!
Okay, back to Milkanu and school. Some of you may be surprised that we decided not to homeschool him, especially since he has only been home with us for 9 weeks, and because we have been a homeschool family for the past 10 years. Before even bringing the boys home we had talked about probably putting them in traditional school instead of homeschooling. Brian and I had many reasons for making this decision, but it all boiled down to it being the right thing to do for our family at this time in our lives. I am still VERY supportive of homeschooling, and I am SO glad that I homeschooled Taylor and Preston up to high school. Also, nothing is permanent. If Milkanu begins to have trouble in school, or the Lord changes our hearts in the future we will go back to homeschooling our younger boys. Christian education is very important to us, so we definetely plan to keep them in this small Christian school if we don't homeschool them. I had originally planned to homeschool Milkanu this year, and then put him in Taylor's school next year. But by about Week 2 home with the boys, we were talking about alternative plans! I knew that I needed the break from Milkanu during the day and that he also needed the break from me and to be around other kids his age. Trying to take care of a toddler, homeschool Preston (8th grade), AND keep a bored almost 6-yr-old busy and happy would have been much too difficult for me. No one would have gotten the attention they deserved. M also tested me more than anyone else, so I thought that having another authority figure with him during the day other than me, might help. Plus, since he was attaching so well to us, I didn't have that fear of him losing that or taking steps backward.
Before school began last week, we did everything we could think of to prepare him for this big step in his life. Thankfully, he had several months of school in Ethiopia while he was in the orphanage from September to April, so the concept of school was not foreign to him. Also, the fact that Taylor and Preston and all his friends from Ethiopia go to school has helped. We also went to the school and met with M's kindergarten teacher about a month before school began. She was able to evaluate him a little and make sure that he understood directions spoken in English. I also know it is a big help that Taylor goes to his school and that the school is very small. There are only 10 kids in his class--8 boys and two girls. They are dropped off together and Taylor walks him to where his classmates line up, then after school she picks him up and walks him to my car in the pick-up line. When we were buying supplies for school we let him pick everything out and we emphasized how much fun he would have. Most importantly, a few days before school began we took him to see Asmeret (my Ethiopian friend here) and she explained to him in Sidama exactly what to expect during the school day and what was expected of him. The principal, his teacher and myself are in good communication about his speech limitations, how to help him succeed, etc., which we also know is very important. And of course we are covering this whole venture in prayer and asking for prayer from many of you.
Oh, one other amazing thing and answer to prayer: there are several black children that attend his school, and he has one black boy in his kindergarten class! There are also several hispanic children in his class and children of other non-Caucasian races in the school as well. That is a very important thing to us for our boys to not feel completely isolated and different. We were very afraid that in a private school we would have a problem with this. You cannot understand how happy I was to see his classroom filled with children of different races. I had prayed about this issue a lot, and I cannot express to you how much this gladdens my heart. (On a side note, we are also thrilled that his soccer coach is a black man that we know very well. He is a wonderful coach and will be a great role model for our son.) Praise God!
Okay, back to that first week: we were SO nervous how this was going to go. Our last big, violent tantrum was because he was afraid to go to church and be separated from us, and that was the Sunday before school! So I was so anxious about how he would do come Monday morning. Lots of prayers went into it, and I just had to trust the Lord with how the outcome would be. We only paid for one month's tuition in case it didn't turn out positively. As usual, my faith was too small. God really worked a miracle last week. Not only did Milkanu do great in school all week, he never even hesitated when I hugged him goodbye before he walked into his classroom that first day. My mother-in-law had come to stay with Taddie at home that first day so I could stay at the school with Milkanu for a little while if he needed me to. However, he was doing so well, that I didn't even go into his classroom with him after walking with him in line with the other kids/parents. As I drove away, tears streamed down my face. Of course I was a little sad about sending both he and Taylor off to school (especially Taylor!), but I was crying also out of joy and relief. I just praised God the whole way home. My faith is often so small, yet God takes that tiny mustard seed and says, "See what I can do."
Thanks to all of you who were praying for us before and during that first day of school. Your prayers were truly heard and answered by our Lord. What a weight this has been off my shoulders. Last week was truly a blessing. The time away from M was needed. Even though he is doing SO much better now, he still needs a lot of attention and takes a lot of my time each day. This week gave me an opportunity to miss him and appreciate him more. Homeschooling just Preston was really enjoyable, and I look forward to having the time each day to focus on him and his schooling alone. I think it will be a nice time of bonding with him that we have never really had on a long-term basis. Also, it will be good to have more focused time with Taddie. I am really looking forward to this school year for all of us. I'll keep you all posted on how things progress (and hopefully don't regress) over the next several weeks and months. Keep up those prayers for us please!
Blessings to you all.
Okay, back to Milkanu and school. Some of you may be surprised that we decided not to homeschool him, especially since he has only been home with us for 9 weeks, and because we have been a homeschool family for the past 10 years. Before even bringing the boys home we had talked about probably putting them in traditional school instead of homeschooling. Brian and I had many reasons for making this decision, but it all boiled down to it being the right thing to do for our family at this time in our lives. I am still VERY supportive of homeschooling, and I am SO glad that I homeschooled Taylor and Preston up to high school. Also, nothing is permanent. If Milkanu begins to have trouble in school, or the Lord changes our hearts in the future we will go back to homeschooling our younger boys. Christian education is very important to us, so we definetely plan to keep them in this small Christian school if we don't homeschool them. I had originally planned to homeschool Milkanu this year, and then put him in Taylor's school next year. But by about Week 2 home with the boys, we were talking about alternative plans! I knew that I needed the break from Milkanu during the day and that he also needed the break from me and to be around other kids his age. Trying to take care of a toddler, homeschool Preston (8th grade), AND keep a bored almost 6-yr-old busy and happy would have been much too difficult for me. No one would have gotten the attention they deserved. M also tested me more than anyone else, so I thought that having another authority figure with him during the day other than me, might help. Plus, since he was attaching so well to us, I didn't have that fear of him losing that or taking steps backward.
Before school began last week, we did everything we could think of to prepare him for this big step in his life. Thankfully, he had several months of school in Ethiopia while he was in the orphanage from September to April, so the concept of school was not foreign to him. Also, the fact that Taylor and Preston and all his friends from Ethiopia go to school has helped. We also went to the school and met with M's kindergarten teacher about a month before school began. She was able to evaluate him a little and make sure that he understood directions spoken in English. I also know it is a big help that Taylor goes to his school and that the school is very small. There are only 10 kids in his class--8 boys and two girls. They are dropped off together and Taylor walks him to where his classmates line up, then after school she picks him up and walks him to my car in the pick-up line. When we were buying supplies for school we let him pick everything out and we emphasized how much fun he would have. Most importantly, a few days before school began we took him to see Asmeret (my Ethiopian friend here) and she explained to him in Sidama exactly what to expect during the school day and what was expected of him. The principal, his teacher and myself are in good communication about his speech limitations, how to help him succeed, etc., which we also know is very important. And of course we are covering this whole venture in prayer and asking for prayer from many of you.
Oh, one other amazing thing and answer to prayer: there are several black children that attend his school, and he has one black boy in his kindergarten class! There are also several hispanic children in his class and children of other non-Caucasian races in the school as well. That is a very important thing to us for our boys to not feel completely isolated and different. We were very afraid that in a private school we would have a problem with this. You cannot understand how happy I was to see his classroom filled with children of different races. I had prayed about this issue a lot, and I cannot express to you how much this gladdens my heart. (On a side note, we are also thrilled that his soccer coach is a black man that we know very well. He is a wonderful coach and will be a great role model for our son.) Praise God!
Okay, back to that first week: we were SO nervous how this was going to go. Our last big, violent tantrum was because he was afraid to go to church and be separated from us, and that was the Sunday before school! So I was so anxious about how he would do come Monday morning. Lots of prayers went into it, and I just had to trust the Lord with how the outcome would be. We only paid for one month's tuition in case it didn't turn out positively. As usual, my faith was too small. God really worked a miracle last week. Not only did Milkanu do great in school all week, he never even hesitated when I hugged him goodbye before he walked into his classroom that first day. My mother-in-law had come to stay with Taddie at home that first day so I could stay at the school with Milkanu for a little while if he needed me to. However, he was doing so well, that I didn't even go into his classroom with him after walking with him in line with the other kids/parents. As I drove away, tears streamed down my face. Of course I was a little sad about sending both he and Taylor off to school (especially Taylor!), but I was crying also out of joy and relief. I just praised God the whole way home. My faith is often so small, yet God takes that tiny mustard seed and says, "See what I can do."
Thanks to all of you who were praying for us before and during that first day of school. Your prayers were truly heard and answered by our Lord. What a weight this has been off my shoulders. Last week was truly a blessing. The time away from M was needed. Even though he is doing SO much better now, he still needs a lot of attention and takes a lot of my time each day. This week gave me an opportunity to miss him and appreciate him more. Homeschooling just Preston was really enjoyable, and I look forward to having the time each day to focus on him and his schooling alone. I think it will be a nice time of bonding with him that we have never really had on a long-term basis. Also, it will be good to have more focused time with Taddie. I am really looking forward to this school year for all of us. I'll keep you all posted on how things progress (and hopefully don't regress) over the next several weeks and months. Keep up those prayers for us please!
Blessings to you all.
Monday, August 1, 2011
6-Week Update
Yesterday marked six weeks since we came home from Ethiopia with the boys. Many wise adoptive parents and specialists said that things will start to get a lot better after the six-week mark. I can definetely attest to that. In fact, for us, everything started to slowly improve after the 4-week mark and it keeps slowly getting better every day. Milkanu is still testing us every day and exerting his will, but really it's not a lot different than a preschooler or other five-year-old "adjusted" kid would do. I had read that it is very common for these kids to revert to behavior common to a younger child. The biggest improvement is that M is able to understand the consequences of his actions ("If you continue to scream/throw a fit/not obey, you will not get any books before bed/get to come out of this room/have mommy stay here with you/etc."), and realize that throwing a fit does not get him what he wants. Not only is his English improving, but his UNDERSTANDING of English is so much better. That has helped tremendously when we're trying to correct bad behavior. Also, the more comfortable with and attached he has become to us have helped improve his behavior. There has barely been any hitting or fighting back in the last two weeks, and when he is upset he really wants our comfort. Which leads me to my next topic...
Attachment. That is probably the most used word in adoption circles and books. Obviously, a healthy attachment to the child's new family is the most important thing in an adoptee's mental, physical, emotional, and psychological health and well being. As AP's (adoptive parents), we do everything we can to try to make this happen. For some children, depending on their age, personality, and what they have been through in the past, this takes much longer to happen once they are in their new families. Even though we've had some very frustrating times with these boys, I am SO happy that their attachment to us (and us to them) is going very well. I am truly amazed that it has only been 6 weeks and that they are doing so well. When I look back at those first two to three weeks, I can't believe how far we've come. In fact, whenever I get frustrated with the disobedience, strong-wills, screaming, crying, etc., I let my mind go back to those first few weeks. We are miles from there, Praise the Lord!!!! The attachment has a lot to do with that, because as Milkanu learns to trust us more and believe that we truly love him and that he's forever part of our family, he fights us a lot less. He lets that guard down. He has gone from not wanting much comfort, to allowing comfort, to now seeking it out from us.
I have read about so many adoptive children who have trouble with attaching, so I am so thankful Milkanu has come around. And we have come around as well. You don't read a lot about the parents' attachment to the child, but it is definetely an issue for many of us who adopt older children or younger ones that aren't so "loveable" in the beginning. One fellow blogger wrote about the advice someone had given to her when she wasn't particularly bonding with her child yet. I thought it was so good that I am sharing it here: "This relatively short season of getting to know each other, adapt, and grow your love for each other is your womb time. With a biological kid, for moms it is very passive and generally automatic. Yet deep connections are formed. They make the stress of a newborn doable despite it being very hard to assimilate a little life to a whole new world. You just get to do womb time with ______ on the outside with two-way opinions and outsiders looking on. But, I have every confidence that a new life will be birthed out of this time. So nourish physically, provide a protective, comforting, and safe environment, and allow time for unseen connections to bind your hearts together. It's gonna happen..."
I am seeing that happen firsthand. I think I mentioned before that I appreciated the advice to "fake it 'til you feel it" in terms of feeling love and attachment to your adopted child. Doing everything you can to go through the motions (in a very convincing way) so that your children feel loved. To be honest, I did a lot of "faking" it in the beginning! I have no doubt that I will one day soon feel the same way toward Milkanu as I do toward the other children, but I'm not there yet. That is not an easy thing to admit or to be honest about, but since I have always tried to be very honest in this blog, I am not going to stop now! My goal has always been to help others who may be struggling with infertility or adoption and to glorify God in every trial and victory. My connection to M is getting better every day, though. Last night, after a particularly difficult afternoon with him, he laid his head on my stomach and just cuddled with me. Then he spent about 30 minutes brushing my hair (he is surprisingly gentle and good at it), which was awesome! When he goes to bed, he gives me such strong hugs and whispers "I love you" in my ear (I say it first, but that's okay for now!). Those are the moments that my heart melts and softens and more connections between us are formed. And those moments are so important in our relationship because we still have many trying times. Yesterday we were in Prescott spending time with family at my in-laws house. This was M and T's first trip to see Nana and Papa's house, and all his cousins and his Aunt Nise were there as well. It was a very crowded noisy house with 8 children there! M slept in the room with the other kids and did very well, not coming in to our room to get us until 6, as we have "trained" him to do with a digital alarm clock. M didn't have a breakdown until the afternoon, and when he did it escalated to the point where we were going to go home several hours earlier than planned. At the same time, T was being a pain in the rear (which he can be very good at!). I was very frustrated that we were still having issues with the same things again. After it was all done and M was calmed down and had apologized to me (with prompting only) and gave me a big hug (thankfully, not much prompting needed there), my tension dissolved.
Perspective. Every time we have difficulties with either of the boys--which is every day still--I remind myself that 6 weeks ago my sons were living in Ethiopia in a transitional home. Six weeks ago they were surrounded by people who looked like them. Six weeks ago they had lots of friends to play with. Six weeks ago they recognized the sounds, smells, sights, and language around them. Six weeks ago they lived in Africa. Not to mention that 11 months before that my boys were ripped from their birth family, taken to an orphanage to live with strangers for seven months, develop relationships with those strangers, only to have that all change for them as they moved to another temporary place six hours away, then 8 weeks later (probably just as they were getting used to the "new" place) taken from that place to live in America with strangers. Perspective. Yes, they are doing remarkably well considering everything that has happened to them in the last year. When I am completely frustrated with them, God keeps bringing all this to my mind and heart. It brings me to a better place of calm, patience, understanding, and compassion.
Tadesse has always done pretty well with this adjustment, and he continues to do so. He is stubborn and picky and whiny a lot, but he is also very loveable and affectionate, as I've mentioned before. He is very smart and understands a lot for his age, I think. We can usually stop his tantrums by telling him he is going to go "night night" if he doesn't stop. Sometimes I have to put him in his crib for one or two minutes by himself, and then when I go back to get him I ask him if he is all done crying. He stops crying and nods his head and the tantrum is usually over. Physically, he is doing awesome. His stomach parasite was wiped out with one dose of antibiotics, his swelled belly has gone away, the strength in his limbs is amazing now, and he's walking everywhere!!! Hard to believe he was like a limp ragdoll with a big belly just six weeks ago and barely able to stand. Praise God for his amazing improvement in such a short time.
Okay, I could go on and on about them, but I'll stop now so I can go spend some time playing. :) My next update will probably be after school starts, so I'll let you all know how that goes. I'm trying not to be so anxious and worried, but it's so difficult for me! School starts Aug. 15. Please pray for Milkanu that this is a smooth transition and a good choice for us. Prayers for continued bonding, help for Milkanu for his separation anxiety, less tantrums, more English acquisition, and less strong wills would be most appreciated!!!
God bless you all.
Attachment. That is probably the most used word in adoption circles and books. Obviously, a healthy attachment to the child's new family is the most important thing in an adoptee's mental, physical, emotional, and psychological health and well being. As AP's (adoptive parents), we do everything we can to try to make this happen. For some children, depending on their age, personality, and what they have been through in the past, this takes much longer to happen once they are in their new families. Even though we've had some very frustrating times with these boys, I am SO happy that their attachment to us (and us to them) is going very well. I am truly amazed that it has only been 6 weeks and that they are doing so well. When I look back at those first two to three weeks, I can't believe how far we've come. In fact, whenever I get frustrated with the disobedience, strong-wills, screaming, crying, etc., I let my mind go back to those first few weeks. We are miles from there, Praise the Lord!!!! The attachment has a lot to do with that, because as Milkanu learns to trust us more and believe that we truly love him and that he's forever part of our family, he fights us a lot less. He lets that guard down. He has gone from not wanting much comfort, to allowing comfort, to now seeking it out from us.
I have read about so many adoptive children who have trouble with attaching, so I am so thankful Milkanu has come around. And we have come around as well. You don't read a lot about the parents' attachment to the child, but it is definetely an issue for many of us who adopt older children or younger ones that aren't so "loveable" in the beginning. One fellow blogger wrote about the advice someone had given to her when she wasn't particularly bonding with her child yet. I thought it was so good that I am sharing it here: "This relatively short season of getting to know each other, adapt, and grow your love for each other is your womb time. With a biological kid, for moms it is very passive and generally automatic. Yet deep connections are formed. They make the stress of a newborn doable despite it being very hard to assimilate a little life to a whole new world. You just get to do womb time with ______ on the outside with two-way opinions and outsiders looking on. But, I have every confidence that a new life will be birthed out of this time. So nourish physically, provide a protective, comforting, and safe environment, and allow time for unseen connections to bind your hearts together. It's gonna happen..."
I am seeing that happen firsthand. I think I mentioned before that I appreciated the advice to "fake it 'til you feel it" in terms of feeling love and attachment to your adopted child. Doing everything you can to go through the motions (in a very convincing way) so that your children feel loved. To be honest, I did a lot of "faking" it in the beginning! I have no doubt that I will one day soon feel the same way toward Milkanu as I do toward the other children, but I'm not there yet. That is not an easy thing to admit or to be honest about, but since I have always tried to be very honest in this blog, I am not going to stop now! My goal has always been to help others who may be struggling with infertility or adoption and to glorify God in every trial and victory. My connection to M is getting better every day, though. Last night, after a particularly difficult afternoon with him, he laid his head on my stomach and just cuddled with me. Then he spent about 30 minutes brushing my hair (he is surprisingly gentle and good at it), which was awesome! When he goes to bed, he gives me such strong hugs and whispers "I love you" in my ear (I say it first, but that's okay for now!). Those are the moments that my heart melts and softens and more connections between us are formed. And those moments are so important in our relationship because we still have many trying times. Yesterday we were in Prescott spending time with family at my in-laws house. This was M and T's first trip to see Nana and Papa's house, and all his cousins and his Aunt Nise were there as well. It was a very crowded noisy house with 8 children there! M slept in the room with the other kids and did very well, not coming in to our room to get us until 6, as we have "trained" him to do with a digital alarm clock. M didn't have a breakdown until the afternoon, and when he did it escalated to the point where we were going to go home several hours earlier than planned. At the same time, T was being a pain in the rear (which he can be very good at!). I was very frustrated that we were still having issues with the same things again. After it was all done and M was calmed down and had apologized to me (with prompting only) and gave me a big hug (thankfully, not much prompting needed there), my tension dissolved.
Perspective. Every time we have difficulties with either of the boys--which is every day still--I remind myself that 6 weeks ago my sons were living in Ethiopia in a transitional home. Six weeks ago they were surrounded by people who looked like them. Six weeks ago they had lots of friends to play with. Six weeks ago they recognized the sounds, smells, sights, and language around them. Six weeks ago they lived in Africa. Not to mention that 11 months before that my boys were ripped from their birth family, taken to an orphanage to live with strangers for seven months, develop relationships with those strangers, only to have that all change for them as they moved to another temporary place six hours away, then 8 weeks later (probably just as they were getting used to the "new" place) taken from that place to live in America with strangers. Perspective. Yes, they are doing remarkably well considering everything that has happened to them in the last year. When I am completely frustrated with them, God keeps bringing all this to my mind and heart. It brings me to a better place of calm, patience, understanding, and compassion.
Tadesse has always done pretty well with this adjustment, and he continues to do so. He is stubborn and picky and whiny a lot, but he is also very loveable and affectionate, as I've mentioned before. He is very smart and understands a lot for his age, I think. We can usually stop his tantrums by telling him he is going to go "night night" if he doesn't stop. Sometimes I have to put him in his crib for one or two minutes by himself, and then when I go back to get him I ask him if he is all done crying. He stops crying and nods his head and the tantrum is usually over. Physically, he is doing awesome. His stomach parasite was wiped out with one dose of antibiotics, his swelled belly has gone away, the strength in his limbs is amazing now, and he's walking everywhere!!! Hard to believe he was like a limp ragdoll with a big belly just six weeks ago and barely able to stand. Praise God for his amazing improvement in such a short time.
Okay, I could go on and on about them, but I'll stop now so I can go spend some time playing. :) My next update will probably be after school starts, so I'll let you all know how that goes. I'm trying not to be so anxious and worried, but it's so difficult for me! School starts Aug. 15. Please pray for Milkanu that this is a smooth transition and a good choice for us. Prayers for continued bonding, help for Milkanu for his separation anxiety, less tantrums, more English acquisition, and less strong wills would be most appreciated!!!
God bless you all.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Oh Happy Day!
Okay, I know it's strange for me to post two times in one day, but I just had to say: we had a very good day! Despite Milkanu having several sulking/sad moments (I call those "shutdowns"), we had no actual "meltdowns" today. That is a big accomplishment for us. And I do use the word "us" because not only did Milkanu control his emotions more, but we also did a better job learning how to deal with him. I feel like we are starting to finally figure out what works for him and what doesn't. I am most impressed with how Brian is dealing with Milkanu. For someone not known for his patience, Brian is doing such a good job nurturing Milkanu and figuring out what his son needs. He is strong when I am not, and I am so thankful for that. He has been there for our family, both physically and emotionally. God is really softening Brian's heart toward this precious boy and helping him to become an even better father.
I also wanted to let you all know how the boys' doctor appointment went today. 19-month old Tadesse gained 2 pounds in just over 2 weeks (he is now 22.5 lbs)! That is pretty awesome considering he is such a picky eater. I'm sure the whole milk mixed with Pediasure 3 times a day has helped a lot with that. He is still only in the 16th percentile for his weight and only the 3rd percentile for his height, but I know that will change dramatically in this first year because of multivitamins and good nutrition. Milkanu (5 years and 10 months) is 13th percentile for his weight at 39 pounds and also only in the 3rd percentile for his height (39 inches). He is only wearing 4T clothes. But that kid can EAT! We were surprised that he didn't gain any weight in the last two weeks, actually.
Both boys had a skin test to check for TB, and we go back Wednesday for them to check the areas. Milkanu had 4 immunizations and Tadesse had 5 today! It was so sad seeing them hurting and knowing they did not understand why we were doing this to them. We were amazed how well both boys did and that Milkanu didn't end up melting down (just crying a little). We have to go back in 6 weeks to get more. Milkanu will have to have quite a few immunizations done to catch up for the 5 years he hasn't had any (we are assuming since there is no documentation). I'm just praying that he doesn't resent going to the doctor's office. :( Another cool thing about the pediatrican: her husband is Ethiopian! She spoke a few words to Milkanu in Amharic and he understood her. Just another neat person that God has put in our path. She did a culture for a mysterious spot Milkanu has on his arm (seems like a boil or a blister, but hasn't gone away with antiobiotic cream), and if that comes back inconclusive, she is going to set us up with an appointment to see her brother-in-law (also Ethiopian!) who is a dermatologist. So, beyond those things, the boys seem pretty healthy. For Tadesse's turning out of his legs, we are just going to keep an eye on it. The dr. says that it usually corrects itself over time as they walk more and those muscles develop more. So that's good news. Bad news for Milkanu is that she thinks he has two to three cavities. I was bummed to hear that, because that's just one more doctor appointment for him. I have no idea how we'll get through that one, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when it comes. I had been hoping to put off the dentist for a little while, but now we can't.
Both Brian and I and now Preston have ringworm (not actually a worm, but a fungal skin infection), which we probably either picked up from the orphanage or from one of the boys. Neither Milkanu or Tadesse have any signs of it, but they could still be carriers. Brian has a spot on his arm, Preston on his leg, and--lucky me--I have two small spots on my face. Not fair!!! Hopefully it goes away fast and doesn't spread to anyone else. :( Taylor is super paranoid about getting it.
By the way, if you get this blog directly emailed to you instead of going to my blog site, you may want to check it out sometime. I have posted on there some cute pictures of the boys, with my favorite one of the two of them together at the top of the page.
I feel like today was definetely a step forward with no steps back. Praise the Lord for that!!!! Now we'll just see what tomorrow brings...
Blessings!
I also wanted to let you all know how the boys' doctor appointment went today. 19-month old Tadesse gained 2 pounds in just over 2 weeks (he is now 22.5 lbs)! That is pretty awesome considering he is such a picky eater. I'm sure the whole milk mixed with Pediasure 3 times a day has helped a lot with that. He is still only in the 16th percentile for his weight and only the 3rd percentile for his height, but I know that will change dramatically in this first year because of multivitamins and good nutrition. Milkanu (5 years and 10 months) is 13th percentile for his weight at 39 pounds and also only in the 3rd percentile for his height (39 inches). He is only wearing 4T clothes. But that kid can EAT! We were surprised that he didn't gain any weight in the last two weeks, actually.
Both boys had a skin test to check for TB, and we go back Wednesday for them to check the areas. Milkanu had 4 immunizations and Tadesse had 5 today! It was so sad seeing them hurting and knowing they did not understand why we were doing this to them. We were amazed how well both boys did and that Milkanu didn't end up melting down (just crying a little). We have to go back in 6 weeks to get more. Milkanu will have to have quite a few immunizations done to catch up for the 5 years he hasn't had any (we are assuming since there is no documentation). I'm just praying that he doesn't resent going to the doctor's office. :( Another cool thing about the pediatrican: her husband is Ethiopian! She spoke a few words to Milkanu in Amharic and he understood her. Just another neat person that God has put in our path. She did a culture for a mysterious spot Milkanu has on his arm (seems like a boil or a blister, but hasn't gone away with antiobiotic cream), and if that comes back inconclusive, she is going to set us up with an appointment to see her brother-in-law (also Ethiopian!) who is a dermatologist. So, beyond those things, the boys seem pretty healthy. For Tadesse's turning out of his legs, we are just going to keep an eye on it. The dr. says that it usually corrects itself over time as they walk more and those muscles develop more. So that's good news. Bad news for Milkanu is that she thinks he has two to three cavities. I was bummed to hear that, because that's just one more doctor appointment for him. I have no idea how we'll get through that one, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when it comes. I had been hoping to put off the dentist for a little while, but now we can't.
Both Brian and I and now Preston have ringworm (not actually a worm, but a fungal skin infection), which we probably either picked up from the orphanage or from one of the boys. Neither Milkanu or Tadesse have any signs of it, but they could still be carriers. Brian has a spot on his arm, Preston on his leg, and--lucky me--I have two small spots on my face. Not fair!!! Hopefully it goes away fast and doesn't spread to anyone else. :( Taylor is super paranoid about getting it.
By the way, if you get this blog directly emailed to you instead of going to my blog site, you may want to check it out sometime. I have posted on there some cute pictures of the boys, with my favorite one of the two of them together at the top of the page.
I feel like today was definetely a step forward with no steps back. Praise the Lord for that!!!! Now we'll just see what tomorrow brings...
Blessings!
Three weeks down, many more years to go!
Dear Lord, Give me what is needed to get us through another week... No, not just to "get through", but to learn, grow, change, and become closer to Milkanu. Help me to enjoy my time with him, to have patience with him when he is defiant and doesn't listen to me, to have energy to keep up with his, to have wisdom when I don't know how to handle him, to not lose my temper, to have empathy when he acts out, to have unconditional love when he is not loveable. God, let me see this little boy the way you see him. Help me to remember what he has been through and what he is still going through in his little heart. Help me to find the good in all situations. Give me strength beyond that which I can attain on my own. Give me peace and joy that abounds from YOU alone. When I face a difficult day, let it draw me closer into You. Amen
We survived the third week home with our boys! We had ups and downs, improvements and setbacks. Improvements: Milkanu is definetely bonding more with us. He touches more, holds our hands, gives stronger hugs, wants our comfort or closeness when he is sad or angry, and wants to spend all his time with us. In that lies a little of a setback. He used to play well by himself, but now he demands all of our time and doesn't like to do things on his own. Often, if I am on the phone or on the computer (which doesn't happen very often), he tries to distract me, talk with me, tickle me, etc. He often pouts or does something annoying to get my attention. We spend a lot of time playing with him, but if we stop (because we need a break or want to give time to Taddie or someone else) he often gets upset. Trying to find that balance with him, teaching him to play by himself sometimes, and not always having to entertain him or have somebody "watch" him, is very difficult with the language barrier. Grrrr!
That brings me to another subject. On the one hand, I am SO thankful that Milkanu is using more English words on his own (yes, thank you, please, all done, etc.), and he is obviously understanding a lot more than he did when we first came home. He is also talking to us in Sidamigna a lot more, trying to communicate to us in his own language. He loves it when we repeat what he is saying, and he laughs when he speaks to us and we say "deh afoh moh" (I don't understand). He thinks it is quite hilarious when we smile and look puzzled. However, when he is upset, he clams up and will not tell us what is wrong or even try. That is very frustrating. Similiar to when a baby or toddler is crying uncontrollably and he doesn't have words to tell you what's wrong. Many adoptive parents told me that the language barrier wasn't a big deal and that they pick it up pretty quickly. Although I am seeing improvements already, to me, the language barrier IS a big deal. If I could explain to Milkanu WHY I am saying no to a particular thing, or that he needs to play by himself sometimes, that his brother and sister (and mom for that matter!) need a break... If he could explain to us why he is upset. If we could reason with him... All that would be so helpful. But I know that will come. I just wish we could communicate better right now. I guess I'm just impatient and frustrated sometimes, but I know the Lord wants me to focus on the positive and the great strides we have already made. The biggest improvement is how Milkanu treats Tadesse. He has become very loving and good at sharing with him, holding Tadesse's hand when he tries to walk, and hugging him. He actually seems to like him! That warms my heart.
Tadesse has taken a few steps on his own! He loves to walk (with help) and to cruise the furniture. He tries to repeat a lot of words that we say, and he says "Mommy" and "Daddy" well. Although he isn't a very sound sleeper, he sleeps in late (today I woke him up at 8:30!) That would be great for me except that Milkanu is still getting up a little before 6am every morning. So I am trying to get used to going to bed by no later than 10pm, but really 9 is more ideal, since I am now a very light sleeper. I hear Tadesse a couple of times a night (thankfully he only cries for about 10 seconds and then goes back to sleep), then I hear Brian when he wakes up at 4am. My body is trying hard to adjust, but for being such a night owl all these years, it is a hard adjustment! I am beginning to love my morning coffee (full caff) now more than I ever did to help me wake up. :) I am so fortunate to have a break on the weekends when Brian is home, since he then gets up early with Milkanu. What I can't get over is the energy that this little 5-year-old has at 6:30 in the morning! I can usually get him to sit through one cartoon while I rest on the couch and try to fully wake-up, but by 6:30 he is ready to go and bouncing (literally) around me. I am so feeling my 38 years...
Okay other updates: The boys blood, urine, and stool labs came back last week. The doctor said that everything looked good, except that Tadesse had (still has?) a parasite. He was on antibiotics for a week, and now I have to get his stool retested to make sure it's gone. He is eating better but is still picky. Lately he loves spaghetti and lasagna, milk, still likes eggs, and he eats all those toddler snacks that are mostly puffed air, I think. He usually always eats bread and yogurt, too. His stomach has gone way down and I think it may be close to normal size now. (It was very enlarged due to malnutrition and probably the parasite.) His x-ray on his femur showed no signs of rickets anymore! Yeah! He still turns out his feet when he walks, so I will ask the doctor about that. Both boys have an appointment today, so I'll let you know what she says. We need to start them on vaccinations (don't think they have had any, but we don't know for sure), but I'm not sure if we should do that today and stress them out. They've already had blood drawn and that was pretty tough since they both had to be stuck twice and have the needle moved around so the techs could get good blood flow. :( Fortunately, Brian is meeting me at the appointment so he can help hold down Milkanu if we decide to do it. Tadesse's thyroid level was a little low, so they want to retest that in 6 months. Tadesse was clear of HIV, and all forms of Hepatitis--showed immunity to them all. According to the labs, Milkanu does not have immunity to Hep C. Today we will probably do the skin test for TB and maybe get their hearing/sight tests done.
Okay, I think that is all for now. I have more to write, but I better go relieve Taylor, who has both kids outside on her own. Did I mention lately how thankful I am to have older kids to help me? God is so good that he allowed us to wait to have more children until our biological children were older. I couldn't do this without their help! I pay them each $10 a week (on top of chore money) to help out and play with the boys. It has been wonderful. I will try to write a quick blog later today or tomorrow to let you all know how the doctor appointment goes. It's right during Tadesse's naptime, so should be interesting...
Please keep praying--every day is still a challenge. Your prayers for us have made all the difference for our family. Please keep them coming our way!!!!!
Blessings to you all.
We survived the third week home with our boys! We had ups and downs, improvements and setbacks. Improvements: Milkanu is definetely bonding more with us. He touches more, holds our hands, gives stronger hugs, wants our comfort or closeness when he is sad or angry, and wants to spend all his time with us. In that lies a little of a setback. He used to play well by himself, but now he demands all of our time and doesn't like to do things on his own. Often, if I am on the phone or on the computer (which doesn't happen very often), he tries to distract me, talk with me, tickle me, etc. He often pouts or does something annoying to get my attention. We spend a lot of time playing with him, but if we stop (because we need a break or want to give time to Taddie or someone else) he often gets upset. Trying to find that balance with him, teaching him to play by himself sometimes, and not always having to entertain him or have somebody "watch" him, is very difficult with the language barrier. Grrrr!
That brings me to another subject. On the one hand, I am SO thankful that Milkanu is using more English words on his own (yes, thank you, please, all done, etc.), and he is obviously understanding a lot more than he did when we first came home. He is also talking to us in Sidamigna a lot more, trying to communicate to us in his own language. He loves it when we repeat what he is saying, and he laughs when he speaks to us and we say "deh afoh moh" (I don't understand). He thinks it is quite hilarious when we smile and look puzzled. However, when he is upset, he clams up and will not tell us what is wrong or even try. That is very frustrating. Similiar to when a baby or toddler is crying uncontrollably and he doesn't have words to tell you what's wrong. Many adoptive parents told me that the language barrier wasn't a big deal and that they pick it up pretty quickly. Although I am seeing improvements already, to me, the language barrier IS a big deal. If I could explain to Milkanu WHY I am saying no to a particular thing, or that he needs to play by himself sometimes, that his brother and sister (and mom for that matter!) need a break... If he could explain to us why he is upset. If we could reason with him... All that would be so helpful. But I know that will come. I just wish we could communicate better right now. I guess I'm just impatient and frustrated sometimes, but I know the Lord wants me to focus on the positive and the great strides we have already made. The biggest improvement is how Milkanu treats Tadesse. He has become very loving and good at sharing with him, holding Tadesse's hand when he tries to walk, and hugging him. He actually seems to like him! That warms my heart.
Tadesse has taken a few steps on his own! He loves to walk (with help) and to cruise the furniture. He tries to repeat a lot of words that we say, and he says "Mommy" and "Daddy" well. Although he isn't a very sound sleeper, he sleeps in late (today I woke him up at 8:30!) That would be great for me except that Milkanu is still getting up a little before 6am every morning. So I am trying to get used to going to bed by no later than 10pm, but really 9 is more ideal, since I am now a very light sleeper. I hear Tadesse a couple of times a night (thankfully he only cries for about 10 seconds and then goes back to sleep), then I hear Brian when he wakes up at 4am. My body is trying hard to adjust, but for being such a night owl all these years, it is a hard adjustment! I am beginning to love my morning coffee (full caff) now more than I ever did to help me wake up. :) I am so fortunate to have a break on the weekends when Brian is home, since he then gets up early with Milkanu. What I can't get over is the energy that this little 5-year-old has at 6:30 in the morning! I can usually get him to sit through one cartoon while I rest on the couch and try to fully wake-up, but by 6:30 he is ready to go and bouncing (literally) around me. I am so feeling my 38 years...
Okay other updates: The boys blood, urine, and stool labs came back last week. The doctor said that everything looked good, except that Tadesse had (still has?) a parasite. He was on antibiotics for a week, and now I have to get his stool retested to make sure it's gone. He is eating better but is still picky. Lately he loves spaghetti and lasagna, milk, still likes eggs, and he eats all those toddler snacks that are mostly puffed air, I think. He usually always eats bread and yogurt, too. His stomach has gone way down and I think it may be close to normal size now. (It was very enlarged due to malnutrition and probably the parasite.) His x-ray on his femur showed no signs of rickets anymore! Yeah! He still turns out his feet when he walks, so I will ask the doctor about that. Both boys have an appointment today, so I'll let you know what she says. We need to start them on vaccinations (don't think they have had any, but we don't know for sure), but I'm not sure if we should do that today and stress them out. They've already had blood drawn and that was pretty tough since they both had to be stuck twice and have the needle moved around so the techs could get good blood flow. :( Fortunately, Brian is meeting me at the appointment so he can help hold down Milkanu if we decide to do it. Tadesse's thyroid level was a little low, so they want to retest that in 6 months. Tadesse was clear of HIV, and all forms of Hepatitis--showed immunity to them all. According to the labs, Milkanu does not have immunity to Hep C. Today we will probably do the skin test for TB and maybe get their hearing/sight tests done.
Okay, I think that is all for now. I have more to write, but I better go relieve Taylor, who has both kids outside on her own. Did I mention lately how thankful I am to have older kids to help me? God is so good that he allowed us to wait to have more children until our biological children were older. I couldn't do this without their help! I pay them each $10 a week (on top of chore money) to help out and play with the boys. It has been wonderful. I will try to write a quick blog later today or tomorrow to let you all know how the doctor appointment goes. It's right during Tadesse's naptime, so should be interesting...
Please keep praying--every day is still a challenge. Your prayers for us have made all the difference for our family. Please keep them coming our way!!!!!
Blessings to you all.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Better Days Ahead?
I finally feel like I can breath a little, relax a little, smile a little. Yesterday was the best day we've had since being home. NO TANTRUMS!! Milkanu had a few little pouty moments when he was unhappy and ignored us for a little while, but it never developed into any meltdowns like it usually does. I kept holding my breath all day, expecting the inevitable, but then nothing bad ever happened. Even though I know we'll still have difficult, trying times with him, I am thankful for the good days that give me hope for a bright future. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not even been 2 weeks that we've been home. Also, it could be much worse, as it is for some other adoptive families. I'm trying to focus more on the positive, and now that we've had a good day, that is a little easier to do (at the moment). It also helps that Tadesse slept through the night, so I finally feel like we got some good solid sleep. Thanks Megan for suggesting the Melatonin! These feelings may not last, but it is a VERY welcome respite from the sadness, frustration, doubt, and despair I was feeling just two days ago.
Some of my favorite moments from yesterday were watching Milkanu race around the house chasing after his older brother and sister and tickling them, and the semi-quiet moments he and I spent reading books and working on colors during bathtime. We have a book about feelings, which features real photos of kids expressing different feelings (sadness, fear, happiness, loving, etc.). We've been trying to look at that book often with Milkanu and to talk about it the best we can. He seems to really like it. Yesterday I kept showing him "happy" and saying "Mommy, happy" while I smiled big. Then he would say "Milkanu happy". Then we'd demonstrate "loving" with a hug, just like the kids in the book were hugging. I'd show him "angry" on my face and pretend to hit, then I'd shake my head and say "de-DAN-cha" (not good/not okay). Then I'd demonstrate loving and say "DAN-cha" (it is good). I think he was getting it. Today and yesterday I have seen him get upset and withdrawn, but he seems to be controlling it better and not letting his feelings escalate into a tantrum. We usually just leave him alone, while staying in the same room, and then try to distract him with an activity after a little while. So far, it's been working.
Some things you may want to know about Milkanu: He is SO cute--especially when he smiles. His dimples are to die for, and so is his hair. He has semi-soft, loose curls. He is afraid of turtles (found this out in Ethiopia when he and Brian were at the park and saw some there). He eats almost any food we put in front of him. He eats huge portions. He loves ketchup. He does not like milk. He loves injera, which I buy from my Ethiopian friend Asmeret at her African store in Phoenix. He is being so much nicer to his brother than he was when we first got home. He loves to tickle and be tickled. He plays rough. He can count really well and recognize most numbers. He loves to learn. He is friendly, but also a little shy (especially when I try to take his picture). He does not like to wear pajama shorts, but instead picks out regular shorts every time. He likes to go through his whole closet of shirts each morning to pick out what he wants to wear. His favorite color shorts is khaki, which he will choose almost every time (I went out and bought a lot of those!). He does not want to wear colored shorts. He calls Preston "Presitent". When Daddy comes home he runs to greet him and give him a big hug (he does not do this when I come home!). He is afraid of the dark, so we leave the hallway light on with his door open. He is a really big, brave boy because he sleeps in his bed alone if I stay in there with him until he falls asleep. Now that he has dark curtains, he sleeps in until 7am. Preston is very happy about that because it is Preston's room that Milkanu goes into when he wakes up, and 5:30 am wake-ups were not fun! He is very coordinated and can kick the soccer ball well, throw/catch well, and dribble the basketball. Preston and Daddy are his favorites. He is a great kid, and every day that things go well with us, he and I grow closer and more attached. I do not love him with the same intensity that I do my other children, but I have no doubt that I will get there. With all that we've been through already, I know it's just going to take some time to form those close bonds. I do long for that day...
Some things you may want to know about Tadesse: He already has many nicknames, including Taddie, Toddie (Milkanu calls him this), SaySay (that's Taylor's name for him), Grumpy, Pain-in-the-butt... :) Yes, he has quite a personality. If he is unhappy, he lets you know it right away. It is obvious that his cuteness got him far at the orphanage with the nannies. He loves to throw a dramatic fit of wailing/screaming (which is usually tearless) when he doesn't get his way. Then if he gets picked up he turns immediately happy. He also hits and throws toys when he's mad. We're working on all of this with him, but it's not a big concern since he's so young. I know that a lot of kids at 18 months are that way, and all of that behavior is pretty easy to correct. He is very picky with food, but loves his bottle (instant breakfast drink or Pediasure for added nutrition). He will always eat a hard boiled egg (gobicho), so that is pretty much a staple for him 1-2 times a day. He is so loving and has the best smile and lots of teeth. He is attaching to me very well, along with Daddy and brother and sister. He yells "Ma" or "Mommy" very loudly when he wants my attention or when I leave the room. He is pretty wary of strangers. He is getting much better about playing by himself. Tadesse went from barely walking with help in Ethiopia, to cruising furniture, pulling himself up, getting down from the couch, and taking a step or two on his own. We are amazed how quickly he is progressing. We may have to see a PT because due to his rickets, his feet turn out quite a bit when he walks. I'm getting his leg x-rayed today to see how bad the rickets have affected him. Taddie gives wonderful hugs and loves to cuddle. My attachment to him has been much easier, and I'm grateful to have that with at least one of my boys. He was terrified of the dog at first, but is doing much better with her. He is good at repeating words, and he loves to "sing" and babble. We think he's actually saying words and phrases, but since they are in Sidama we don't know for sure! He gets very mad when the kids are outside and he is stuck inside. He does not like swings or being held up high (he gets scared). His hair is coarse and tightly curled. It's kind of like velcro with everything on the floor (dog hair) sticking to it! Overall, he seems to be adjusting very well, and we are really enjoying our time with him.
Brian just got home, and Milkanu did not even greet him. He's definetely in a "mood" again. I'm okay with that as long as it doesn't turn into anything else. We know he is very frustrated with the language barrier and he doesn't like to be told no when it's something he really wants to do. He had been rough-housing with Preston for a long time, and when Preston wanted him to stop, he didn't want to. Phew, this will definetely take some time...
Thank you for your prayers. Even though we've had a little less drama, I'm sure there is still much to come. So, please keep them coming. I will try my best to keep this blog updated as often as I am able. It's definetely harder to find time for myself than it was 3 weeks ago!
All my love...
Some of my favorite moments from yesterday were watching Milkanu race around the house chasing after his older brother and sister and tickling them, and the semi-quiet moments he and I spent reading books and working on colors during bathtime. We have a book about feelings, which features real photos of kids expressing different feelings (sadness, fear, happiness, loving, etc.). We've been trying to look at that book often with Milkanu and to talk about it the best we can. He seems to really like it. Yesterday I kept showing him "happy" and saying "Mommy, happy" while I smiled big. Then he would say "Milkanu happy". Then we'd demonstrate "loving" with a hug, just like the kids in the book were hugging. I'd show him "angry" on my face and pretend to hit, then I'd shake my head and say "de-DAN-cha" (not good/not okay). Then I'd demonstrate loving and say "DAN-cha" (it is good). I think he was getting it. Today and yesterday I have seen him get upset and withdrawn, but he seems to be controlling it better and not letting his feelings escalate into a tantrum. We usually just leave him alone, while staying in the same room, and then try to distract him with an activity after a little while. So far, it's been working.
Some things you may want to know about Milkanu: He is SO cute--especially when he smiles. His dimples are to die for, and so is his hair. He has semi-soft, loose curls. He is afraid of turtles (found this out in Ethiopia when he and Brian were at the park and saw some there). He eats almost any food we put in front of him. He eats huge portions. He loves ketchup. He does not like milk. He loves injera, which I buy from my Ethiopian friend Asmeret at her African store in Phoenix. He is being so much nicer to his brother than he was when we first got home. He loves to tickle and be tickled. He plays rough. He can count really well and recognize most numbers. He loves to learn. He is friendly, but also a little shy (especially when I try to take his picture). He does not like to wear pajama shorts, but instead picks out regular shorts every time. He likes to go through his whole closet of shirts each morning to pick out what he wants to wear. His favorite color shorts is khaki, which he will choose almost every time (I went out and bought a lot of those!). He does not want to wear colored shorts. He calls Preston "Presitent". When Daddy comes home he runs to greet him and give him a big hug (he does not do this when I come home!). He is afraid of the dark, so we leave the hallway light on with his door open. He is a really big, brave boy because he sleeps in his bed alone if I stay in there with him until he falls asleep. Now that he has dark curtains, he sleeps in until 7am. Preston is very happy about that because it is Preston's room that Milkanu goes into when he wakes up, and 5:30 am wake-ups were not fun! He is very coordinated and can kick the soccer ball well, throw/catch well, and dribble the basketball. Preston and Daddy are his favorites. He is a great kid, and every day that things go well with us, he and I grow closer and more attached. I do not love him with the same intensity that I do my other children, but I have no doubt that I will get there. With all that we've been through already, I know it's just going to take some time to form those close bonds. I do long for that day...
Some things you may want to know about Tadesse: He already has many nicknames, including Taddie, Toddie (Milkanu calls him this), SaySay (that's Taylor's name for him), Grumpy, Pain-in-the-butt... :) Yes, he has quite a personality. If he is unhappy, he lets you know it right away. It is obvious that his cuteness got him far at the orphanage with the nannies. He loves to throw a dramatic fit of wailing/screaming (which is usually tearless) when he doesn't get his way. Then if he gets picked up he turns immediately happy. He also hits and throws toys when he's mad. We're working on all of this with him, but it's not a big concern since he's so young. I know that a lot of kids at 18 months are that way, and all of that behavior is pretty easy to correct. He is very picky with food, but loves his bottle (instant breakfast drink or Pediasure for added nutrition). He will always eat a hard boiled egg (gobicho), so that is pretty much a staple for him 1-2 times a day. He is so loving and has the best smile and lots of teeth. He is attaching to me very well, along with Daddy and brother and sister. He yells "Ma" or "Mommy" very loudly when he wants my attention or when I leave the room. He is pretty wary of strangers. He is getting much better about playing by himself. Tadesse went from barely walking with help in Ethiopia, to cruising furniture, pulling himself up, getting down from the couch, and taking a step or two on his own. We are amazed how quickly he is progressing. We may have to see a PT because due to his rickets, his feet turn out quite a bit when he walks. I'm getting his leg x-rayed today to see how bad the rickets have affected him. Taddie gives wonderful hugs and loves to cuddle. My attachment to him has been much easier, and I'm grateful to have that with at least one of my boys. He was terrified of the dog at first, but is doing much better with her. He is good at repeating words, and he loves to "sing" and babble. We think he's actually saying words and phrases, but since they are in Sidama we don't know for sure! He gets very mad when the kids are outside and he is stuck inside. He does not like swings or being held up high (he gets scared). His hair is coarse and tightly curled. It's kind of like velcro with everything on the floor (dog hair) sticking to it! Overall, he seems to be adjusting very well, and we are really enjoying our time with him.
Brian just got home, and Milkanu did not even greet him. He's definetely in a "mood" again. I'm okay with that as long as it doesn't turn into anything else. We know he is very frustrated with the language barrier and he doesn't like to be told no when it's something he really wants to do. He had been rough-housing with Preston for a long time, and when Preston wanted him to stop, he didn't want to. Phew, this will definetely take some time...
Thank you for your prayers. Even though we've had a little less drama, I'm sure there is still much to come. So, please keep them coming. I will try my best to keep this blog updated as often as I am able. It's definetely harder to find time for myself than it was 3 weeks ago!
All my love...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Welcome Home Milkanu and Tadesse (What have we gotten ourselves into?!)
We are now a "Baker Half Dozen", and life will never be the same...
Sorry it has taken me awhile to update this blog. Thank you for all of you who are praying, bringing us meals, and keeping us in your thoughts. We REALLY appreciate it, and I don't think we would even be holding it together (which I feel like we are barely doing) if not for the support of so many of you. I don't know if I'll be able to respond right away to any emails that you send to us, but I will try to in the next couple weeks.
We came home with the boys last Saturday. It was a VERY difficult plane ride for many reasons too long to go in to right now. Basically, lack of sleep for all of us (the boys only slept about 2-3 hours in the entire almost 48 hours from waking on the day of departure until we got home in Phoenix Saturday evening), 24 hours of flying and 3 plane changes, plus a 5-yr-old who wouldn't listen and obey very well and who was VERY high strung and into everything AND had a wailing meltdown for about an hour in the airport and onto the plane, do not make a good combination for new parents! Probably one of the worst day(s) of our lives. :(
It's hard to know how to express our feelings, but I think I can sum it up by saying this has been the hardest week of our lives. Although we read the books, and took the classes, we do not feel prepared for what we are experiencing with Milkanu (the 5-1/2 year old). With him, it's 1 step forward and several steps back. I know it's only the first week and that things WILL get better, but when you are in the thick of it, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He is a very sweet, handsome, smart boy with SO much energy. He has a beautiful smile and loves to laugh and play and learn. When we first got him home he was fascinated and into everything. He especially loved the light switches and remote controls. That part is getting better as he gets more used to his "new world". But he is also struggling a lot with testing boundaries, listening and obeying, controlling his anger, sadness, fear, and frustration with the language barrier. When he doesn't like being told no, there has been hitting/biting/kicking/scratching/pinching tantrums. We've had to hold him with a towel wrapped around him to prevent him from hurting us. He is very strong when he's out of control like that. After that goes on for at least 15-20 minutes, he "breaks" and dissolves into tears and wailing that can last up to an hour and a half. The first time it happened was very scarey and heartbreaking. He just has so much fear, sadness, and anger inside and doesn't know how to express it properly. He is not getting enough sleep at night for a child who expends so much energy, but we're having a hard time getting him to nap or rest during the day or sleep in. We have definetely learned that he gets overstimulated and overtired easily, and that that is a huge reason why he shuts down.
Thankfully, we have met an Ethiopian woman here who speaks the boys' language. She came over a few night ago and talked with Milkanu for over an hour. Since then, there has been little or not hitting, but we are still struggling with him not always listening and testing us, shutting down and ignoring us, and then he still dissolves into a wailing tantrum every day. Please understand that it is best to not have him meet too many people right now, because I think that has been overwhelming to him. He has really only been (mostly) around family, but I think even that is difficult for him--so many new people. If you are bringing a meal, we are SO appreciative, but we just ask that you don't bring your small children and keep the visit short. Also, we're only having family hold Tadesse at this time, so please don't be offended by that. Thank you so much for understanding, as we're trying to do what's best to help these boys.
Tadesse is very cute and sweet and loving when he wants to be, and then has quite an attitude when he chooses to! He is attaching well, and still quite wary of strangers. He really is hilarious--especially when he is mad and giving you the "stink eye". He wasn't walking when we brought him home, and has made HUGE improvements in just a week. He is now cruising the furniture and loves to walk around the house with help. He turns his feet out quite a bit when he walks, due to the rickets (caused by malnutrition/lack of Vitamin D: it causes his leg bones to be weak and somewhat bowed), so we may need to see a specialist. The doctor has ordered a bone scan of his femur to see how extensive the rickets is. Usually, with proper nutrition and exercise, the rickets is reversable. His big belly from malnutrition is a concern to the doctors, too, but he is on special vitamins and Pedisure, and that should get better, too. Tadesse's health issues are very common for kids from Ethiopia, but our regular pediatrition is not very familiar with situations like this. Unfortunately, there are no pediatric specialists in international adoption in our area/state that I know of. But the international adoption pediatrician that we paid for to look at the boys' referral information and to prescribe medication for the boys while we were in Ethiopia gave us a list of tests to have the local doctor's run. I've given that to our doctor and she has written up lab requests (stool, urine, and blood). Should be a lot of fun trying to get those done! The doctor was also concerned about Milkanu's height (39"), which is very short, but that is also common with Ethiopian adopted children because of poor nutrition, and usually changes quickly once they are in the U.S. Besides some eczema patches (common in African American people) and each of them having a cold, they both seem to be in pretty good health.
Okay, that was quite a long update. For those of you who get my blog sent to your email or read it online, you will notice that this same email is posted there, so just skip or delete it. The rest of my updates on the boys in the future will be posted there, instead of by mass email. I also have a few pictures of the boys on my blog.
For those of you who are believers, please keep us in your prayers. Only God can get us through this in one piece! I keep trying to remember that when I am weak, HE is strong. And please forgive us if we don't call back or email back quickly. I'll do my best, but life in the Baker home is a little crazy and unsettled right now... :)
Prayer requests:
1) Tadesse to sleep through the night.
2) Milkanu to sleep in later in the morning and/or to nap or rest once during the day.
3) Milkanu: less tantrums/crying
4) Milkanu: to listen to us and be obedient (less testing).
5) For both boys to adjust quickly and bond well with all of us.
6) Healing for the pain and loss the boys' have experienced (especially Milkanu).
7) For Milkanu to learn English quickly so we can better communicate.
8) Patience and guidance for Brian and I in parenting.
Thank you all!
Love, Tammy and Brian
--
Sorry it has taken me awhile to update this blog. Thank you for all of you who are praying, bringing us meals, and keeping us in your thoughts. We REALLY appreciate it, and I don't think we would even be holding it together (which I feel like we are barely doing) if not for the support of so many of you. I don't know if I'll be able to respond right away to any emails that you send to us, but I will try to in the next couple weeks.
We came home with the boys last Saturday. It was a VERY difficult plane ride for many reasons too long to go in to right now. Basically, lack of sleep for all of us (the boys only slept about 2-3 hours in the entire almost 48 hours from waking on the day of departure until we got home in Phoenix Saturday evening), 24 hours of flying and 3 plane changes, plus a 5-yr-old who wouldn't listen and obey very well and who was VERY high strung and into everything AND had a wailing meltdown for about an hour in the airport and onto the plane, do not make a good combination for new parents! Probably one of the worst day(s) of our lives. :(
It's hard to know how to express our feelings, but I think I can sum it up by saying this has been the hardest week of our lives. Although we read the books, and took the classes, we do not feel prepared for what we are experiencing with Milkanu (the 5-1/2 year old). With him, it's 1 step forward and several steps back. I know it's only the first week and that things WILL get better, but when you are in the thick of it, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He is a very sweet, handsome, smart boy with SO much energy. He has a beautiful smile and loves to laugh and play and learn. When we first got him home he was fascinated and into everything. He especially loved the light switches and remote controls. That part is getting better as he gets more used to his "new world". But he is also struggling a lot with testing boundaries, listening and obeying, controlling his anger, sadness, fear, and frustration with the language barrier. When he doesn't like being told no, there has been hitting/biting/kicking/scratching/pinching tantrums. We've had to hold him with a towel wrapped around him to prevent him from hurting us. He is very strong when he's out of control like that. After that goes on for at least 15-20 minutes, he "breaks" and dissolves into tears and wailing that can last up to an hour and a half. The first time it happened was very scarey and heartbreaking. He just has so much fear, sadness, and anger inside and doesn't know how to express it properly. He is not getting enough sleep at night for a child who expends so much energy, but we're having a hard time getting him to nap or rest during the day or sleep in. We have definetely learned that he gets overstimulated and overtired easily, and that that is a huge reason why he shuts down.
Thankfully, we have met an Ethiopian woman here who speaks the boys' language. She came over a few night ago and talked with Milkanu for over an hour. Since then, there has been little or not hitting, but we are still struggling with him not always listening and testing us, shutting down and ignoring us, and then he still dissolves into a wailing tantrum every day. Please understand that it is best to not have him meet too many people right now, because I think that has been overwhelming to him. He has really only been (mostly) around family, but I think even that is difficult for him--so many new people. If you are bringing a meal, we are SO appreciative, but we just ask that you don't bring your small children and keep the visit short. Also, we're only having family hold Tadesse at this time, so please don't be offended by that. Thank you so much for understanding, as we're trying to do what's best to help these boys.
Tadesse is very cute and sweet and loving when he wants to be, and then has quite an attitude when he chooses to! He is attaching well, and still quite wary of strangers. He really is hilarious--especially when he is mad and giving you the "stink eye". He wasn't walking when we brought him home, and has made HUGE improvements in just a week. He is now cruising the furniture and loves to walk around the house with help. He turns his feet out quite a bit when he walks, due to the rickets (caused by malnutrition/lack of Vitamin D: it causes his leg bones to be weak and somewhat bowed), so we may need to see a specialist. The doctor has ordered a bone scan of his femur to see how extensive the rickets is. Usually, with proper nutrition and exercise, the rickets is reversable. His big belly from malnutrition is a concern to the doctors, too, but he is on special vitamins and Pedisure, and that should get better, too. Tadesse's health issues are very common for kids from Ethiopia, but our regular pediatrition is not very familiar with situations like this. Unfortunately, there are no pediatric specialists in international adoption in our area/state that I know of. But the international adoption pediatrician that we paid for to look at the boys' referral information and to prescribe medication for the boys while we were in Ethiopia gave us a list of tests to have the local doctor's run. I've given that to our doctor and she has written up lab requests (stool, urine, and blood). Should be a lot of fun trying to get those done! The doctor was also concerned about Milkanu's height (39"), which is very short, but that is also common with Ethiopian adopted children because of poor nutrition, and usually changes quickly once they are in the U.S. Besides some eczema patches (common in African American people) and each of them having a cold, they both seem to be in pretty good health.
Okay, that was quite a long update. For those of you who get my blog sent to your email or read it online, you will notice that this same email is posted there, so just skip or delete it. The rest of my updates on the boys in the future will be posted there, instead of by mass email. I also have a few pictures of the boys on my blog.
For those of you who are believers, please keep us in your prayers. Only God can get us through this in one piece! I keep trying to remember that when I am weak, HE is strong. And please forgive us if we don't call back or email back quickly. I'll do my best, but life in the Baker home is a little crazy and unsettled right now... :)
Prayer requests:
1) Tadesse to sleep through the night.
2) Milkanu to sleep in later in the morning and/or to nap or rest once during the day.
3) Milkanu: less tantrums/crying
4) Milkanu: to listen to us and be obedient (less testing).
5) For both boys to adjust quickly and bond well with all of us.
6) Healing for the pain and loss the boys' have experienced (especially Milkanu).
7) For Milkanu to learn English quickly so we can better communicate.
8) Patience and guidance for Brian and I in parenting.
Thank you all!
Love, Tammy and Brian
--
Friday, June 3, 2011
We're going to get our boys!!!!
Yes, after 6 weeks of waiting, we finally have news that we can go back to get our boys and bring them home. As you can imagine, we are overjoyed. The first four weeks went pretty quickly, as I was pretty busy, but now that things have slowed down a bit, it has been very hard to wait. Waking up Tuesday morning to an email from the Adoption Unit of the U.S. Embassy in Ethiopia, letting us know they were ready for us to schedule an appointment, was the best news we've had in a long time. We have also received news from another AP (adoptive parent) who was recently in Ethiopia and saw our boys at WACAP House that the kids there are doing great. At the time, there were seven boys there--which were all kids from our group, Travel Group #43. She said that they were happy and healthy and receiving very good care. It was nice to hear that the WACAP House is quite a bit better than the orphanage. The AP also recalled that Tadesse was being carried around everywhere by his nanny, and that they "never saw his feet touch the ground"! Sounds just like him. :) We're going to have to really work on his leg strength, and I am sure I will build up some hefty biceps carrying him around everywhere. I know that holding him a lot is important for bonding (this goes for both boys), but we'll also have to get him used to bearing weight on his legs so he will quickly catch up developmentally. We received pictures of the boys a little after we left, and it was so sweet to see their faces filling out and some hair on their heads! I am sure they'll look even more different when we see them next. So exciting!!!!
For those of you following along on our trip and praying for us along the way (please!) here is a breakdown of our upcoming trip:
Thursday, June 9: leave Phoenix for Washington D.C.
Friday, June 10: spend a day in D.C.
Saturday, June 11: leave for Ethiopia at 12:00pm (13-hr. flight)
Sunday, June 12: arrive in Ethiopia at 7:45am (Ethiopia is 10 hours ahead of us), spend day sightseeing if weather permits
Monday, June 13: see the boys!!!! Spend part of the day at WACAP House with them and rest of the day on our own (shopping, sightseeing, etc.)
Tuesday, June 14: see the boys, goodbye ceremony, pictures
Wednesday, June 15: take kids into custody!
Thursday, June 16: embassy interview
Friday, June 17: leave for home at 10:15pm
Saturday, June 18: arrive in Phoenix at 5pm
Our flight home from Ethiopia with the boys will be the toughest. The flight from Ethiopia is 17 hours nonstop, then we get off in D.C. for 4 hours, then we fly 2 hours to Detroit, one hour layover, then 4 hours to Phoenix. So that's 29 hours of travel, with 23 of the hours on planes. I am really anxious about that part, so I would really appreciate your prayers. I think Milkanu will do fine, but we're quite nervous about how Tadesse will do. I think he'll be used to us by then (we hope!), but he is a baby, and that's a lot of time confined on an airplane. We are praying that both of the kids sleep a lot and that we are able to as well.
I completely believe in the power of prayer. God has shown us his faithfulness to answer prayers SO many times throughout this almost 6-year journey of wanting to expand our family. I have so many of you to thank for that, as you covered us in your prayers and interceded for us so many times. Thank you so much. But I need you to keep praying! Not only for our bonding with the boys in country, and our travel home, but also for the transition once we get home. For now, I most covet your prayers during travel. I know I'm getting specific here, but it would be awesome if you could lift us up in prayer especially while we're flying during the following hours (converted to Arizona time): Friday, June 17 at 12:15pm to Saturday at 5pm. Just whenever you are awake and thinking about us!
I have a lot to do still today, so I better go now. I will try to update this blog while we're in Ethiopia if I am able. They are in the rainy season now, so we may be stuck inside a lot, giving me opportunities to get on the computers in the lobby/office area. I just hope I brought enough toys for the boys if we're stuck inside... :(
God bless you all!
P.S. A friend of mine told me about this awesome video on YouTube that you guys have to check out when you get the chance. It's about 7 minutes long and it WILL make you cry. Search "Depraved Indifference, Eric Ludy". Incredible...
For those of you following along on our trip and praying for us along the way (please!) here is a breakdown of our upcoming trip:
Thursday, June 9: leave Phoenix for Washington D.C.
Friday, June 10: spend a day in D.C.
Saturday, June 11: leave for Ethiopia at 12:00pm (13-hr. flight)
Sunday, June 12: arrive in Ethiopia at 7:45am (Ethiopia is 10 hours ahead of us), spend day sightseeing if weather permits
Monday, June 13: see the boys!!!! Spend part of the day at WACAP House with them and rest of the day on our own (shopping, sightseeing, etc.)
Tuesday, June 14: see the boys, goodbye ceremony, pictures
Wednesday, June 15: take kids into custody!
Thursday, June 16: embassy interview
Friday, June 17: leave for home at 10:15pm
Saturday, June 18: arrive in Phoenix at 5pm
Our flight home from Ethiopia with the boys will be the toughest. The flight from Ethiopia is 17 hours nonstop, then we get off in D.C. for 4 hours, then we fly 2 hours to Detroit, one hour layover, then 4 hours to Phoenix. So that's 29 hours of travel, with 23 of the hours on planes. I am really anxious about that part, so I would really appreciate your prayers. I think Milkanu will do fine, but we're quite nervous about how Tadesse will do. I think he'll be used to us by then (we hope!), but he is a baby, and that's a lot of time confined on an airplane. We are praying that both of the kids sleep a lot and that we are able to as well.
I completely believe in the power of prayer. God has shown us his faithfulness to answer prayers SO many times throughout this almost 6-year journey of wanting to expand our family. I have so many of you to thank for that, as you covered us in your prayers and interceded for us so many times. Thank you so much. But I need you to keep praying! Not only for our bonding with the boys in country, and our travel home, but also for the transition once we get home. For now, I most covet your prayers during travel. I know I'm getting specific here, but it would be awesome if you could lift us up in prayer especially while we're flying during the following hours (converted to Arizona time): Friday, June 17 at 12:15pm to Saturday at 5pm. Just whenever you are awake and thinking about us!
I have a lot to do still today, so I better go now. I will try to update this blog while we're in Ethiopia if I am able. They are in the rainy season now, so we may be stuck inside a lot, giving me opportunities to get on the computers in the lobby/office area. I just hope I brought enough toys for the boys if we're stuck inside... :(
God bless you all!
P.S. A friend of mine told me about this awesome video on YouTube that you guys have to check out when you get the chance. It's about 7 minutes long and it WILL make you cry. Search "Depraved Indifference, Eric Ludy". Incredible...
Friday, May 6, 2011
ETHIOPIA TRIP (Part 3) and Cinco de Mayo
As I was beginning to write this last addition to my travel blog, it dawned on me what day it is. It is May 5, 2011. That may not be a day of significance for many of you (unless you are Mexican!) but for me, it is very much so. Four years ago on this day, Brian finally decided that we should try to have more children. For almost 2 years prior to that, I had been desperately praying that I would hear those words. But even as the decision of that day sunk in, I never imagined that our future would unfold the way it did. I didn't expect that it would take four long years to welcome more children into our family, and I didn't think it would be by adoption that our family would grow (even though that was my heart's original desire). God sure surprised us in a BIG way!
So what a perfect day it is to talk about April 21, 2011: our boys' "Gotcha Day"! As you may or may not know, that name is frequently used in adoption circles to indicate the day that children are legally adopted. It was two weeks ago today, which seems amazing to me. Time is moving quickly, yet not quickly enough since we want to bring Milkanu and Tadesse home. So, we and the four other families in our group went to the courthouse at 9am Thursday morning. We had been warned that we may wait around all day, in a very crowded, warm room, with possibly no place to sit, until it was our turn in front of the judge. But we were very fortunate to be called into the judge's chambers at just before 11 a.m. She called us in as a group and asked us about six or seven questions (which we all answered as a group "yes" on every one of them). We had heard that with all the delays and changes going on right now with Ethiopian adoptions, some families don't get approved on that day of court because all the paperwork wasn't in on time (but they almost always pass court a few days later). This fear was hanging over all of us as we waited for her to call our names. I remember she said something like, "Milkanu and Tadesse... It's approved" (or something else short like that--it's all a blur now!). We were so elated and so relieved that all went so smoothly. As we listened with held breaths, she went through each family, and thankfully, everyone passed court! We all beamed at each other and tried to remain composed before the judge, but we discussed later that we all felt like jumping up and clapping. It's hard to keep it together when the judge announces news so incredible and profoundly life changing! Once outside of her chamber doors, we hugged and cried together. It was an incredible day I will never forget.
So, here I sit trying to wrap my mind around all of it. It has been sinking in more and more, but I know I won't really "get it" until they've been home with us for a few days. It's hard to believe that I will be experiencing my first Mother's Day as a mother of four, not two. That leads me to another very special May 5, two years ago. (I blogged about it on May 16, 2009.) It was a couple days before Mother's Day, just like it is now. It had been two years since Brian had had the vasectomy reversal, and two years of infertility. I had just found out that once again I was not pregnant, and I had desperately cried out to God wondering why this was happening to us. My kids didn't know about the negative pregnancy test or how upset I had been just moments before, when they came into my bedroom to give me the Mother's Day gifts they had chosen for me. They were leaving town for a soccer tournament, so they were giving the gifts to me early. Taylor gave me a bracelet she had picked out which had the words "Faith" engraved in it, and Preston gave me a Willow Tree angel which said "Angel of Miracles". I knew immediately that God had used my children to send to me a message of hope. He wanted me to hold onto my faith and believe that a miracle was truly coming. Here I sit, two years later, seeing the fulfillment of that miracle in our two wonderful Ethiopian gifts from God. Praise the Lord!
So what a perfect day it is to talk about April 21, 2011: our boys' "Gotcha Day"! As you may or may not know, that name is frequently used in adoption circles to indicate the day that children are legally adopted. It was two weeks ago today, which seems amazing to me. Time is moving quickly, yet not quickly enough since we want to bring Milkanu and Tadesse home. So, we and the four other families in our group went to the courthouse at 9am Thursday morning. We had been warned that we may wait around all day, in a very crowded, warm room, with possibly no place to sit, until it was our turn in front of the judge. But we were very fortunate to be called into the judge's chambers at just before 11 a.m. She called us in as a group and asked us about six or seven questions (which we all answered as a group "yes" on every one of them). We had heard that with all the delays and changes going on right now with Ethiopian adoptions, some families don't get approved on that day of court because all the paperwork wasn't in on time (but they almost always pass court a few days later). This fear was hanging over all of us as we waited for her to call our names. I remember she said something like, "Milkanu and Tadesse... It's approved" (or something else short like that--it's all a blur now!). We were so elated and so relieved that all went so smoothly. As we listened with held breaths, she went through each family, and thankfully, everyone passed court! We all beamed at each other and tried to remain composed before the judge, but we discussed later that we all felt like jumping up and clapping. It's hard to keep it together when the judge announces news so incredible and profoundly life changing! Once outside of her chamber doors, we hugged and cried together. It was an incredible day I will never forget.
So, here I sit trying to wrap my mind around all of it. It has been sinking in more and more, but I know I won't really "get it" until they've been home with us for a few days. It's hard to believe that I will be experiencing my first Mother's Day as a mother of four, not two. That leads me to another very special May 5, two years ago. (I blogged about it on May 16, 2009.) It was a couple days before Mother's Day, just like it is now. It had been two years since Brian had had the vasectomy reversal, and two years of infertility. I had just found out that once again I was not pregnant, and I had desperately cried out to God wondering why this was happening to us. My kids didn't know about the negative pregnancy test or how upset I had been just moments before, when they came into my bedroom to give me the Mother's Day gifts they had chosen for me. They were leaving town for a soccer tournament, so they were giving the gifts to me early. Taylor gave me a bracelet she had picked out which had the words "Faith" engraved in it, and Preston gave me a Willow Tree angel which said "Angel of Miracles". I knew immediately that God had used my children to send to me a message of hope. He wanted me to hold onto my faith and believe that a miracle was truly coming. Here I sit, two years later, seeing the fulfillment of that miracle in our two wonderful Ethiopian gifts from God. Praise the Lord!
Monday, May 2, 2011
ETHIOPIA TRIP: Part 2 (Days 5-7)
Sorry to leave everyone hanging for awhile! But before I get into Day 5 of the trip, I wanted to write a few words about how Orthodox Ethiopian Christians celebrate Easter, since we were there during Passover. Since we were back in the states on Easter Sunday, I didn't get to experience the holiday celebration myself, but our friends and fellow adopters Kelly Jo and John were still in Ethiopia at the time. This is what she wrote to me: "On Sunday we laid low but the staff [of the TDS Hotel, where we all stayed] invited us to join them for Easter feast of lamb stew, tripe, steamed bread and a coffee ceremony. It's tradition to scatter fresh grass on the floor on Easter. It was lovely... So on the night before Easter they hold vigil, awaiting Christ's rise from the tomb. Then they have a feast, with lamb being slaughtered the night before--we saw so many sheep on the streets being bought and sold and taken home. Apparently a butcher goes from house to house to slaughter the sheep. They are a very devout people. They pray all night and then when Jesus rises they celebrate by breaking their fast. They fast all day Friday and Saturday. They invite all the poor in for the feast and share what they have." Isn't that awesome? It humbles me to think about how devoted they are in their faith, and how greatly they honor our Lord during the most important Christian holiday. In America, we could definetely learn a thing or two from them! Okay, onto the rest of the trip...
Day 5: We finally got to meet the boys! The fourteen in our travel group boarded two vans to drive about 6 hours to Hawassa, which is where the Ajuuja Childrens' Home is located. Like our other experiences with car rides in Ethiopia up to this point, we were in for an adventure. When we made it out of Addis, most of our traffic was cattle, horses, donkeys, and goats that were frequently crossing or standing in the middle of the road. Many a times I held my breath as we narrowly passed by them. The driver told us that it wasn't too big of a deal if you hit a goat, but sheep were apparently bad because you had to pay the owner a lot more money (makes sense because we saw lamb on the menu at many restaurants!). I then wondered if he had personal experience with this? There doesn't seem to be any speed limits, and I was surprised how fast they cruised along, despite the animal obstacles. I was glad that this vehicle had seatbelts, unlike some of the other taxis we had been in...
As we drove through the Great Rift Valley, we passed a lot of farming (maize, coffee, onion, ??), hundreds of huge flower greenhouses (Ethiopia is a very large flower exporter), lakes, rivers, and traditional grass huts (gojos). Many people of all ages stood near the side of the road selling fruits, vegetables, large knives, and live chickens. It was not uncommon to see children driving large herds of cattle and goats. In Ethiopia, it was obvious that the whole family worked for survival. After two stops to get gas and have lunch, we arrived at our incredible resort on Lake Awassa. As we made our way up the driveway, we kept spotting monkeys sitting on the fence tops or hanging from the trees. The resort was so beautiful and the staff there was so nice. We wished we could have stayed there for many more days than we did. I have never seen so many birds and monkeys in one place outside of a zoo. In fact, one little monkey was hanging out right outside of our room window, looking in at us, with his feet propped up against the glass! So cute.
But we were all in a hurry to go to the orphanage to meet our boys (all five families in our group were adopting boys), so after checking into our rooms, we quickly reloaded the vans with people and luggage filled with donations. It was a quick drive there, and we were ushered into a small room, where we were greeted by Ato (Mr.) Eyasu, the director of the orphanage, and his wife. His wife presented us with beautiful traditional scarves and they gratefully received our donations. We and another family had been able to bring 80 lbs. of formula each. Thank you to all of you who participated in our formula drive. We could tell that they were very happy to receive it and we actually saw them use it shortly after it was given, so they obviously were in great need of formula for the babies. Then they began to bring the children into the room, one at a time. What a moment! Seeing our boys for the first time, dressed in the matching yellow and brown outfits we had sent to them earlier, caused my heart to leap to my throat. I was determined not to cry because I didn't want to freak them out, and I managed not to totally lose it. They were so beautiful--even more so in person than the pictures portrayed. Milkanu gave all of us a big hug and then he let me lift him to my lap for a family picture. We greeted Tadesse, too, but he stayed in the safety of the orphanage director's arms because he was very nervous around us. I am sure it was an overwhelming experience for both of them. But Milkanu, although shy, seemed happy and open to meeting us.
We spent about two hours with the boys in the small courtyard inside the orphanage compound. We kicked the soccer ball (Brian had brought three soccer balls to leave at the orphanage, which the kids LOVED!), blew bubbles, and looked through the photo album which we had earlier sent to Milkanu with the outfits and some cars and stickers. We tried to show him the connection between the photos and us being there in person. I think he got it, but who knows? I tried to use my limited Sidama vocabulary, but he kind of looked at me blankly, so I have no idea if I was saying things correctly! After later talking to the nanny and orphan directors, we learned that Milkanu is very sweet and obedient. He also really thinks things through before doing anything; he is very deliberate in his actions. As we watched him, we saw him really taking in everything around him. I was wondering the whole time, "What is he thinking about all of this?" I can't wait until he is a little older and speaks English so he can tell us what this day was like from his perspective.
Tadesse was less than enthusiastic about meeting us. Poor guy, he was so afraid of what was going on. He never smiled, but at least he wasn't crying unless one of the workers tried to hand him to me! Fortunately, because of what my caseworker Patty had told me about him, I was prepared for his reaction. I went into the situation not expecting him to let me hold him at all. So, I was THRILLED that he finally let me hold him after about an hour of talking to him and rubbing his back while the nanny held him. It was near the end of our stay, so I only held him for about 15 minutes, but I was so happy! I was able to capture the moment with video and a couple pictures.
Tuesday, after a wonderful 30 minute boat ride around part of Lake Awassa(courtesy of the resort), we went back to the orphanage from 9-12 and then 3-6. It was so great being able to spend that much time with the boys. Of course, Tadesse would not let us hold him again, but at least we interacted a little with him while he was with his nannies. With Milkanu (who seemed pleased we were there) we enjoyed playing some more soccer, blowing bubbles, coloring, playing with play-doh, and playing with the matchbox cars we had sent him earlier. We also were able to see him interact a little more that day with other children in the orphanage. Most of the time they kept the other children who weren't being adopted by our families in another room and away from us. We had wished they let them out to play with all of us. With the language barrier, and not knowing each other very well yet, it was a little awkward at times with the boys. When the other children in the orphanage came out to play, all the boys noticeably relaxed as they interacted with the others. We finally heard Milkanu speak as he played with his friends, but he never really strayed far from hanging with us. That made us feel quite special. My favorite moment of the whole trip was when I saw Milkanu walk over to Brian and sit next to him, ON HIS OWN. It was the sweetest site.
On that day (Day 6), we also had the honor of meeting a member of the boys' birth family. Because we'd like to keep the boys' birth family information private and personal--allowing them to later on share with whom they choose to--I'm not going to reveal whom we spoke to, but I will say that it was a very memorable and treasured experience. Not only were we able to express our gratefulness for and devotion and commitment to the boys, but we also were able to find out some more family background. I had brought pictures and a letter also to give to this person. We took photos and video, as we know this meeting will someday be very important for the boys. We are so grateful that God ordained the meeting and that everything went quite smoothly. I will never forget it. Also, on Tuesday we were able to meet with the boys' nannies to find out more information about their schedules, personalities, likes and dislikes, etc., which was quite helpful. Although Tadesse does not crawl or walk yet, the nanny says he scoots around on his butt to get to where he wants to go. She also said that he is usually happy and likes to play with toys and other children in the orphanage. Since we didn't see that side of him, I cannot wait to see him smiling and relaxed for the first time. Brian jokingly nicknamed him "Happy" during our visits with him. I hope he actually lives up to that name! :)
Day 7: Saying goodbye Wednesday morning was a moment I will never forget. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I just picked Milkanu up and held him for about 15 minutes, trying to soak up every last bit of him. He was holding a pen, so I drew a heart on the back of his hand. I never saw Tadesse that morning, but I was so sad to leave him, too. To help them to remember us, I had brought each of them a soft blanket sprayed lightly with my perfume to sleep with at night. We made sure that our driver translated to him that we were leaving but that we would come back soon to bring them back home to live with us forever, and that we loved them very much. After Milkanu gave everyone hugs, we walked out of the gates. Kelly Jo and I just hugged each other and cried. I am so grateful that we had all these loving families with us who understood what we were going through, since they were going through the same thing. That common bond really pulled us all together. We drove back to Addis Ababa after leaving the orphanage. Traffic was a lot heavier going INTO the city instead of away from it, but otherwise it was an uneventful trip back.
Okay, I need to head to bed. Part 3 of this blog will be much shorter, since we were only in Ethiopia one more day. But it was a very important day indeed... :)
Day 5: We finally got to meet the boys! The fourteen in our travel group boarded two vans to drive about 6 hours to Hawassa, which is where the Ajuuja Childrens' Home is located. Like our other experiences with car rides in Ethiopia up to this point, we were in for an adventure. When we made it out of Addis, most of our traffic was cattle, horses, donkeys, and goats that were frequently crossing or standing in the middle of the road. Many a times I held my breath as we narrowly passed by them. The driver told us that it wasn't too big of a deal if you hit a goat, but sheep were apparently bad because you had to pay the owner a lot more money (makes sense because we saw lamb on the menu at many restaurants!). I then wondered if he had personal experience with this? There doesn't seem to be any speed limits, and I was surprised how fast they cruised along, despite the animal obstacles. I was glad that this vehicle had seatbelts, unlike some of the other taxis we had been in...
As we drove through the Great Rift Valley, we passed a lot of farming (maize, coffee, onion, ??), hundreds of huge flower greenhouses (Ethiopia is a very large flower exporter), lakes, rivers, and traditional grass huts (gojos). Many people of all ages stood near the side of the road selling fruits, vegetables, large knives, and live chickens. It was not uncommon to see children driving large herds of cattle and goats. In Ethiopia, it was obvious that the whole family worked for survival. After two stops to get gas and have lunch, we arrived at our incredible resort on Lake Awassa. As we made our way up the driveway, we kept spotting monkeys sitting on the fence tops or hanging from the trees. The resort was so beautiful and the staff there was so nice. We wished we could have stayed there for many more days than we did. I have never seen so many birds and monkeys in one place outside of a zoo. In fact, one little monkey was hanging out right outside of our room window, looking in at us, with his feet propped up against the glass! So cute.
But we were all in a hurry to go to the orphanage to meet our boys (all five families in our group were adopting boys), so after checking into our rooms, we quickly reloaded the vans with people and luggage filled with donations. It was a quick drive there, and we were ushered into a small room, where we were greeted by Ato (Mr.) Eyasu, the director of the orphanage, and his wife. His wife presented us with beautiful traditional scarves and they gratefully received our donations. We and another family had been able to bring 80 lbs. of formula each. Thank you to all of you who participated in our formula drive. We could tell that they were very happy to receive it and we actually saw them use it shortly after it was given, so they obviously were in great need of formula for the babies. Then they began to bring the children into the room, one at a time. What a moment! Seeing our boys for the first time, dressed in the matching yellow and brown outfits we had sent to them earlier, caused my heart to leap to my throat. I was determined not to cry because I didn't want to freak them out, and I managed not to totally lose it. They were so beautiful--even more so in person than the pictures portrayed. Milkanu gave all of us a big hug and then he let me lift him to my lap for a family picture. We greeted Tadesse, too, but he stayed in the safety of the orphanage director's arms because he was very nervous around us. I am sure it was an overwhelming experience for both of them. But Milkanu, although shy, seemed happy and open to meeting us.
We spent about two hours with the boys in the small courtyard inside the orphanage compound. We kicked the soccer ball (Brian had brought three soccer balls to leave at the orphanage, which the kids LOVED!), blew bubbles, and looked through the photo album which we had earlier sent to Milkanu with the outfits and some cars and stickers. We tried to show him the connection between the photos and us being there in person. I think he got it, but who knows? I tried to use my limited Sidama vocabulary, but he kind of looked at me blankly, so I have no idea if I was saying things correctly! After later talking to the nanny and orphan directors, we learned that Milkanu is very sweet and obedient. He also really thinks things through before doing anything; he is very deliberate in his actions. As we watched him, we saw him really taking in everything around him. I was wondering the whole time, "What is he thinking about all of this?" I can't wait until he is a little older and speaks English so he can tell us what this day was like from his perspective.
Tadesse was less than enthusiastic about meeting us. Poor guy, he was so afraid of what was going on. He never smiled, but at least he wasn't crying unless one of the workers tried to hand him to me! Fortunately, because of what my caseworker Patty had told me about him, I was prepared for his reaction. I went into the situation not expecting him to let me hold him at all. So, I was THRILLED that he finally let me hold him after about an hour of talking to him and rubbing his back while the nanny held him. It was near the end of our stay, so I only held him for about 15 minutes, but I was so happy! I was able to capture the moment with video and a couple pictures.
Tuesday, after a wonderful 30 minute boat ride around part of Lake Awassa(courtesy of the resort), we went back to the orphanage from 9-12 and then 3-6. It was so great being able to spend that much time with the boys. Of course, Tadesse would not let us hold him again, but at least we interacted a little with him while he was with his nannies. With Milkanu (who seemed pleased we were there) we enjoyed playing some more soccer, blowing bubbles, coloring, playing with play-doh, and playing with the matchbox cars we had sent him earlier. We also were able to see him interact a little more that day with other children in the orphanage. Most of the time they kept the other children who weren't being adopted by our families in another room and away from us. We had wished they let them out to play with all of us. With the language barrier, and not knowing each other very well yet, it was a little awkward at times with the boys. When the other children in the orphanage came out to play, all the boys noticeably relaxed as they interacted with the others. We finally heard Milkanu speak as he played with his friends, but he never really strayed far from hanging with us. That made us feel quite special. My favorite moment of the whole trip was when I saw Milkanu walk over to Brian and sit next to him, ON HIS OWN. It was the sweetest site.
On that day (Day 6), we also had the honor of meeting a member of the boys' birth family. Because we'd like to keep the boys' birth family information private and personal--allowing them to later on share with whom they choose to--I'm not going to reveal whom we spoke to, but I will say that it was a very memorable and treasured experience. Not only were we able to express our gratefulness for and devotion and commitment to the boys, but we also were able to find out some more family background. I had brought pictures and a letter also to give to this person. We took photos and video, as we know this meeting will someday be very important for the boys. We are so grateful that God ordained the meeting and that everything went quite smoothly. I will never forget it. Also, on Tuesday we were able to meet with the boys' nannies to find out more information about their schedules, personalities, likes and dislikes, etc., which was quite helpful. Although Tadesse does not crawl or walk yet, the nanny says he scoots around on his butt to get to where he wants to go. She also said that he is usually happy and likes to play with toys and other children in the orphanage. Since we didn't see that side of him, I cannot wait to see him smiling and relaxed for the first time. Brian jokingly nicknamed him "Happy" during our visits with him. I hope he actually lives up to that name! :)
Day 7: Saying goodbye Wednesday morning was a moment I will never forget. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I just picked Milkanu up and held him for about 15 minutes, trying to soak up every last bit of him. He was holding a pen, so I drew a heart on the back of his hand. I never saw Tadesse that morning, but I was so sad to leave him, too. To help them to remember us, I had brought each of them a soft blanket sprayed lightly with my perfume to sleep with at night. We made sure that our driver translated to him that we were leaving but that we would come back soon to bring them back home to live with us forever, and that we loved them very much. After Milkanu gave everyone hugs, we walked out of the gates. Kelly Jo and I just hugged each other and cried. I am so grateful that we had all these loving families with us who understood what we were going through, since they were going through the same thing. That common bond really pulled us all together. We drove back to Addis Ababa after leaving the orphanage. Traffic was a lot heavier going INTO the city instead of away from it, but otherwise it was an uneventful trip back.
Okay, I need to head to bed. Part 3 of this blog will be much shorter, since we were only in Ethiopia one more day. But it was a very important day indeed... :)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
ETHIOPIA TRIP: Part 1 (Days 1-4)
Selaam!
It's difficult to know where to begin really. Since arriving home on Sunday night (April 24) from our first trip to Ethiopia, I have felt quite out of sorts. I am sure much of this has to do with the jet lag, as it is difficult to adjust one's body to ten hours of time difference. But I also know it is because I have experienced something profound and life-changing on this trip. Of course my life is forever altered because I am now the proud mama of two beautiful little boys, but it is more than that. Experiencing the culture, people, and poverty of our boys' country has changed our family for the better. My sister-in-law bought me a shirt for Christmas that has a picture of Africa on it with a heart over Ethiopia, and it reads "My heart is in Africa." That shirt sums up how I feel, except that I would say, "PART of my heart is in Africa". I love so many things about America and my family and being home, but I truly feel like I'm a part of Ethiopia as well. That probably sounds really strange since we were only there for less than a week! I know that I feel that way in large part because our boys are still there, but I also feel that way because of our experiences there, and because of our boys we will be forever linked with that country. America and Ethiopia are dissimilar in so many ways that we have felt major culture shock entering and re-entering both countries. It's a very odd feeling; I think the only way for someone to truly understand how I feel is to experience it personally for themselves.
I have a difficult time being short and concise, as most of you know, so I think I'll write this blog over several days in a three-parter. Sorry if you get bored along the way, but I'd like to use this blog to chronicle details about our trip so I never forget them and can pass this on one day to the boys. I will begin with Day 1 of the trip, but just so I don't have you in suspense too long, I will introduce you to our boys: Milkanu (mil-KAU-noo)Elijah Baker is 5-1/2 years old and Tadesse (TAD-u-say) Ezekiel Baker is 18 months old. We passed court with no problems, so the boys are legally our sons. Praise God for His goodness and faithfulness!
Days 1 and 2: We left Phoenix at about 8am and flew 5 hours to Washington D.C. We stayed overnight in D.C. and left for Ethiopia Friday at noon. While in D.C. we rode the Metro to the Mall area and walked quite awhile to see the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, Vietnam Memorial, and Korean War Memorial. It was really pretty walking around at night and seeing everything lit up, but it was very crowded (we didn't realize it was spring break for those on the east coast!). Friday's flight took a little over 13 hours, but it went better than we expected it to. I didn't sleep at all, but I watched several movies (all free), read books, and journaled. It went by more quickly than I expected it to, and the food was actually pretty good. I think Brian and the kids had slightly better luck with sleeping than I did. I was fortunate to have an empty seat beside me, which allowed me to stretch out a little more. Two of the families traveling with us were also on that flight, so we met up with them once we deplaned in Ethiopia and stood in line to get our visas (seemed like forever).
Day 3: We arrived in Ethiopia at 8am, went through customs, exchanged American money to Ethiopian currency (birr), and met our driver who took us to our hotel. Some of you read Brian's email regarding traveling in Ethiopia. Let me just tell you that it is nothing like I have EVER experienced before! With no seatbelts, no traffic lights, no yellow center lane lines, few stop signs, no pedestrian right-of-way, no speed limit, and lots of honking horns, it was truly miraculous that we made it to all of our destinations. Crossing the street on foot is even crazier. Do you remember that old Atari game "Frogger"? Yep, that's exactly what it felt like. Drivers definetely have the right-of-way. One person in our group jokingly asked the taxi driver if they hit people very often, and he responded very seriously, "All the time." Nice. At intersections, all the drivers go at once and then just inch their way through. And they are extremely horn-happy, but they use them for a very different reason than we do in the U.S. They honk not out of annoyance or impatience, but to simply let the cars or pedestrians know they are coming. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Brian actually thought it was fun, kind of like African Nascar or something. He's not all there...
Driving through Addis Ababa, the capital city was a real eye-opener, and not just because of the insane driving. I have never seen poverty like that. (I'll share more on that later.) Our hotel was actually very nice, especially considering where we were. There were quite a few guards in front of and inside the hotel lobby, which made us feel safe and unsafe at the same time, if you know what I mean. They always opened the doors for us and saluted when we came in. We had a two room suite on the 4th floor since we had the kids with us. Normally, the 4th floor wouldn't be so bad, but since there was no elevator and we were at 9,000 foot elevation, we felt like passing out by the time we made it to our room every time! Our room was nice and very roomy, the staff were so warm and friendly, and the food and coffee in the restaurant was very good (plenty of American food!). However, sleeping was very difficult for all of us because we were right on a very busy main street of the city and it was very noisy with cars driving and honking, the nightclub's music, and people shouting. It was too warm to shut the windows since there was no a/c. Also, the mattress was just a piece of foam over a box spring, so it was quite hard. We had many a sleepless night, but once I learned to take two sleeping pills before going to bed, I did much better! Forgot about the ear plugs I had brought. That would have helped... :(
On Saturday, even though we didn't get much sleep on the plane, we knew it was important to stay awake so we could get acclimated to the new time. We decided to walk around a little bit in the neighborhood around our hotel, which we had been told was pretty safe. That was our first experience with beggars. The children in particular actually ran across the street when they saw us come out of the hotel. We had previously been warned about not giving money to them because it perpetuates the problem and encourages the kids not to go to school because they can make more money begging. But when faced with those precious, desperate and dirty faces looking up at you, saying, "Mother, please? mother... hungry," it's difficult to keep your resolve. It was even worse when the driver took us shopping that next day (Day 4). We went to a place called "The Post Office", which is a section of shack-like shops near the post office (obviously). Although I never did actually see the post office! Anyway, the begging there was like nothing I've ever experienced, either in inner cities of America or even in Mexico. We were swarmed, really. I have never felt more guilty for having money and not sharing it than I did during those times. It was profoundly humbling and sad. The hardest part for me was when a mother came up to me with a baby clinging to her breast and she said, "sister, baby hungry... please, sister". It was truly awful. The young children and the mothers with small, malnourished babies were the most gut-wrenching. How do you say no to them? As I looked at each poor and hungry child, I immediately thought about my sons. It could have been them on those streets asking for money. After that first trip, once the driver herded us back into the van, we were all silent. I cried as we pulled away. I know the kids were very affected by the experience as well, especially Taylor, I think. It was quite overwhelming for us all.
Day 4: We were supposed to drive to Hawassa to meet the boys on Sunday, but once we got to Addis on Saturday, we discovered that we wouldn't be leaving for the orphanage until Monday. We never really received a good explanation as to why, but we assume it's because it was Palm Sunday and most Ethiopians are primarily orthodox Christian. Sunday night, after the shopping experience and relaxing (decompressing) with some coffee, our family and one other from the group went across the street for an authentic Ethiopian dinner. Jenny, Brandon, and Burktuwit (their 11-yr-old Ethiopian daugher adopted two years ago) had also been on our flight and we hit it off with them right away. We ate with our fingers (right hand only) in the traditional way while listening to a live Ethiopian band. It was a great experience, but the food wasn't a big hit with my family. We did like some of it, but had a difficult time eating the injera, which is used to pick up the food. It's a spongy, pancake-like bread made from teff flour that is quite sour. It is also the staple food at the orphanage and among most traditional Ethiopians. So we better learn to like it! We tried it several other places during the course of the trip and it was slightly better, but still not my preference. I guess it's an acquired taste. I don't remember the names of the other things I tried, except that there was different kinds of wot (another staple food, stew-like meat). The food there is quite spicey, so that takes some getting used to. I definetely plan to order injera online, try to get it from a local African store, and/or make it myself for the boys, though. They mostly eat injera, rice, macaroni noodles, false bananas (look like bananas, but no fruit, somehow the root is used), and fruit like mangoes. By the way, the coffee and fruit juices in Ethiopia are the bomb! Seriously great-tasting. For drinks, we lived on mango juice (mostly me), Fanta orange or pineapple (my favorite), Mirinda, which is much like orange Fanta, Coca Cola (big over there), and bottled water. We used bottled water for everything; no ice. Always avoided tap water. And we never had fresh vegetables or fruits because they could have been washed with tap water. I was craving a salad so badly!
Okay, I'm going to head to bed because I'm still getting over the jet-lag and I also have a cold. I'll pick up tomorrow with Part 2 and Day 5: the day we met the boys!
Stay tuned...
It's difficult to know where to begin really. Since arriving home on Sunday night (April 24) from our first trip to Ethiopia, I have felt quite out of sorts. I am sure much of this has to do with the jet lag, as it is difficult to adjust one's body to ten hours of time difference. But I also know it is because I have experienced something profound and life-changing on this trip. Of course my life is forever altered because I am now the proud mama of two beautiful little boys, but it is more than that. Experiencing the culture, people, and poverty of our boys' country has changed our family for the better. My sister-in-law bought me a shirt for Christmas that has a picture of Africa on it with a heart over Ethiopia, and it reads "My heart is in Africa." That shirt sums up how I feel, except that I would say, "PART of my heart is in Africa". I love so many things about America and my family and being home, but I truly feel like I'm a part of Ethiopia as well. That probably sounds really strange since we were only there for less than a week! I know that I feel that way in large part because our boys are still there, but I also feel that way because of our experiences there, and because of our boys we will be forever linked with that country. America and Ethiopia are dissimilar in so many ways that we have felt major culture shock entering and re-entering both countries. It's a very odd feeling; I think the only way for someone to truly understand how I feel is to experience it personally for themselves.
I have a difficult time being short and concise, as most of you know, so I think I'll write this blog over several days in a three-parter. Sorry if you get bored along the way, but I'd like to use this blog to chronicle details about our trip so I never forget them and can pass this on one day to the boys. I will begin with Day 1 of the trip, but just so I don't have you in suspense too long, I will introduce you to our boys: Milkanu (mil-KAU-noo)Elijah Baker is 5-1/2 years old and Tadesse (TAD-u-say) Ezekiel Baker is 18 months old. We passed court with no problems, so the boys are legally our sons. Praise God for His goodness and faithfulness!
Days 1 and 2: We left Phoenix at about 8am and flew 5 hours to Washington D.C. We stayed overnight in D.C. and left for Ethiopia Friday at noon. While in D.C. we rode the Metro to the Mall area and walked quite awhile to see the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, Vietnam Memorial, and Korean War Memorial. It was really pretty walking around at night and seeing everything lit up, but it was very crowded (we didn't realize it was spring break for those on the east coast!). Friday's flight took a little over 13 hours, but it went better than we expected it to. I didn't sleep at all, but I watched several movies (all free), read books, and journaled. It went by more quickly than I expected it to, and the food was actually pretty good. I think Brian and the kids had slightly better luck with sleeping than I did. I was fortunate to have an empty seat beside me, which allowed me to stretch out a little more. Two of the families traveling with us were also on that flight, so we met up with them once we deplaned in Ethiopia and stood in line to get our visas (seemed like forever).
Day 3: We arrived in Ethiopia at 8am, went through customs, exchanged American money to Ethiopian currency (birr), and met our driver who took us to our hotel. Some of you read Brian's email regarding traveling in Ethiopia. Let me just tell you that it is nothing like I have EVER experienced before! With no seatbelts, no traffic lights, no yellow center lane lines, few stop signs, no pedestrian right-of-way, no speed limit, and lots of honking horns, it was truly miraculous that we made it to all of our destinations. Crossing the street on foot is even crazier. Do you remember that old Atari game "Frogger"? Yep, that's exactly what it felt like. Drivers definetely have the right-of-way. One person in our group jokingly asked the taxi driver if they hit people very often, and he responded very seriously, "All the time." Nice. At intersections, all the drivers go at once and then just inch their way through. And they are extremely horn-happy, but they use them for a very different reason than we do in the U.S. They honk not out of annoyance or impatience, but to simply let the cars or pedestrians know they are coming. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Brian actually thought it was fun, kind of like African Nascar or something. He's not all there...
Driving through Addis Ababa, the capital city was a real eye-opener, and not just because of the insane driving. I have never seen poverty like that. (I'll share more on that later.) Our hotel was actually very nice, especially considering where we were. There were quite a few guards in front of and inside the hotel lobby, which made us feel safe and unsafe at the same time, if you know what I mean. They always opened the doors for us and saluted when we came in. We had a two room suite on the 4th floor since we had the kids with us. Normally, the 4th floor wouldn't be so bad, but since there was no elevator and we were at 9,000 foot elevation, we felt like passing out by the time we made it to our room every time! Our room was nice and very roomy, the staff were so warm and friendly, and the food and coffee in the restaurant was very good (plenty of American food!). However, sleeping was very difficult for all of us because we were right on a very busy main street of the city and it was very noisy with cars driving and honking, the nightclub's music, and people shouting. It was too warm to shut the windows since there was no a/c. Also, the mattress was just a piece of foam over a box spring, so it was quite hard. We had many a sleepless night, but once I learned to take two sleeping pills before going to bed, I did much better! Forgot about the ear plugs I had brought. That would have helped... :(
On Saturday, even though we didn't get much sleep on the plane, we knew it was important to stay awake so we could get acclimated to the new time. We decided to walk around a little bit in the neighborhood around our hotel, which we had been told was pretty safe. That was our first experience with beggars. The children in particular actually ran across the street when they saw us come out of the hotel. We had previously been warned about not giving money to them because it perpetuates the problem and encourages the kids not to go to school because they can make more money begging. But when faced with those precious, desperate and dirty faces looking up at you, saying, "Mother, please? mother... hungry," it's difficult to keep your resolve. It was even worse when the driver took us shopping that next day (Day 4). We went to a place called "The Post Office", which is a section of shack-like shops near the post office (obviously). Although I never did actually see the post office! Anyway, the begging there was like nothing I've ever experienced, either in inner cities of America or even in Mexico. We were swarmed, really. I have never felt more guilty for having money and not sharing it than I did during those times. It was profoundly humbling and sad. The hardest part for me was when a mother came up to me with a baby clinging to her breast and she said, "sister, baby hungry... please, sister". It was truly awful. The young children and the mothers with small, malnourished babies were the most gut-wrenching. How do you say no to them? As I looked at each poor and hungry child, I immediately thought about my sons. It could have been them on those streets asking for money. After that first trip, once the driver herded us back into the van, we were all silent. I cried as we pulled away. I know the kids were very affected by the experience as well, especially Taylor, I think. It was quite overwhelming for us all.
Day 4: We were supposed to drive to Hawassa to meet the boys on Sunday, but once we got to Addis on Saturday, we discovered that we wouldn't be leaving for the orphanage until Monday. We never really received a good explanation as to why, but we assume it's because it was Palm Sunday and most Ethiopians are primarily orthodox Christian. Sunday night, after the shopping experience and relaxing (decompressing) with some coffee, our family and one other from the group went across the street for an authentic Ethiopian dinner. Jenny, Brandon, and Burktuwit (their 11-yr-old Ethiopian daugher adopted two years ago) had also been on our flight and we hit it off with them right away. We ate with our fingers (right hand only) in the traditional way while listening to a live Ethiopian band. It was a great experience, but the food wasn't a big hit with my family. We did like some of it, but had a difficult time eating the injera, which is used to pick up the food. It's a spongy, pancake-like bread made from teff flour that is quite sour. It is also the staple food at the orphanage and among most traditional Ethiopians. So we better learn to like it! We tried it several other places during the course of the trip and it was slightly better, but still not my preference. I guess it's an acquired taste. I don't remember the names of the other things I tried, except that there was different kinds of wot (another staple food, stew-like meat). The food there is quite spicey, so that takes some getting used to. I definetely plan to order injera online, try to get it from a local African store, and/or make it myself for the boys, though. They mostly eat injera, rice, macaroni noodles, false bananas (look like bananas, but no fruit, somehow the root is used), and fruit like mangoes. By the way, the coffee and fruit juices in Ethiopia are the bomb! Seriously great-tasting. For drinks, we lived on mango juice (mostly me), Fanta orange or pineapple (my favorite), Mirinda, which is much like orange Fanta, Coca Cola (big over there), and bottled water. We used bottled water for everything; no ice. Always avoided tap water. And we never had fresh vegetables or fruits because they could have been washed with tap water. I was craving a salad so badly!
Okay, I'm going to head to bed because I'm still getting over the jet-lag and I also have a cold. I'll pick up tomorrow with Part 2 and Day 5: the day we met the boys!
Stay tuned...
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