Quick update: I saw the fertility doctor today to have an ultrasound of my ovaries. They require this before you go on back-to-back cycles of Clomid b/c it can cause cysts (common side effect of this medication). Lucky me, I have 4 good size cysts on my ovaries from the last cycle of Clomid so I cannot do the IUI procedure this month as I had hoped. 99% of these type of cysts go away within the month, so next cycle should be fine. Kind of disappointing because we wanted to do one more month of fertility "stuff" and then be done with it. But, that's okay. It's probably best for us to have a month off anyway. Who knows, maybe it will happen naturally... :)Also, I forgot to mention something that the doctor told me last month, which she reminded me of again. When they did the ultrasound to check the size of my follicles, the doc was concerned that my uterine lining was a little thin. If it is not thick enough by the time the fertilized egg is ready to implant, I can't get pregnant. That could have been what happened last month. Who knows. It's another side effect of Clomid. But because of that, the doctor told me today that she wants to try me on a different fertility drug called Femera, which works differently and won't thin out my lining. We're hoping the "third time's a charm", but we are also prepared if it does not work.

Just wanted to let you all know what is going on. Thank you so much for your words of encouragment in the emails you have sent me and for your continued prayers. It means so much, and it DOES make a difference.

Running the Race with Endurance

I had to add a short blog (well, compared to some of my others!) because I was so greatly encouraged this morning. Here is what happened: While getting ready for church, Brian and I discussed the future and if we should go forward with any more infertility treatment. I told him how I was feeling and how I didn't think I wanted to go through it anymore. But he thought it best that we do one more IUI procedure before we let everything go, because that is what we had always planned on doing. We felt it was the right plan for us then, and he thinks we (I) will regret it later on if we don't follow through with that. If we try one more time, I'm not sure if the IUI will happen this month or the next; it depends on what my doctor says. I wish I could say I'm hopeful that the third time will be the one, but it's so hard to open up to hope when you are afraid of being hurt again. But I'm going to try, and with God's help, my faith will be strengthened. I was just so happy to be able to finally share my disappointment with Brian and be able to cry and lean on him for support this morning. I had been mostly keeping it inside. Since he was the one who originally was very skeptical about doing the procedure at all--let alone more than once--I was encouraged and touched that he wanted to try it one more time. The Lord knew that I needed Brian this morning, and I believe He gave him the words to say to me. When he left the room, I cried some more. I also asked God to give me clear direction if this is the way we were supposed to go.

We ended up not making it to church this morning, but instead watched the service live on www.calvaryphx.com, sitting around the computer as a family. I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord used that particular message on this particular morning to speak to me. I cried through a lot of it. It was all about endurance and finishing the race (based on 1 Corin. 9:24-27). Here are some thoughts from it (paraphrased): Endurance takes discipline and pushing ourselves beyond our safe place. Developing endurance can hurt, but you have to push through it. Often in a race, runners hit the "runner's wall" (For me, I experienced this physically while hiking the Grand Canyon rim to rim.). One must push past that point and keep putting one foot in front of the other to get to the end. Also, I was reminded that Jesus is the trailblazer of my faith (Hebrews 12:2). Because He is ahead of me, I can not only go on, but I can finish. And like a building, God often allows us to be torn down so He can build us up. He digs deep, causing pain, so He can lay a foundation that will allow Him to build high: He is the architect of our faith! Lastly, the pastor said that we need to push on even when we don't feel like it. Luke 18:1 tells us to pray always and don't give up, even when we don't see an answer. What does endurance look like? A prayer offered up over and over again even when we don't think it will do any good.

So, thank you again for those of you who have faithfully prayed. I hope you can see in my words the evidence that your prayers are working.

We will press on!

Letting Go of the Reigns

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed." Psalm 22: 1-5

As some of you already know, I am not pregnant this month. It was very disappointing and sad for me, especially because my hopes were high that it would happen during the holidays. But God has a different plan. I made a promise to myself that if I created this blog I would always be as honest as possible in it. I debated writing the negative thoughts I am having because it seems contradictory to all my other blogs. But I decided I needed to be honest, not only for myself, but also for those reading who may be going through similiar struggles and can identify. This is real. This is me. So here goes.



I am down and discouraged. To be completely honest, I have lost a little hope that this will ever happen for us. I am wondering if the confidence and assurance that I have had in getting pregnant has not truly been from God, but from my own deep desire. I just have a lot of questions and soul-searching to do. Please understand that I am NOT saying I've completely given up hope or that I think what we've gone through these past 3+ years has been in vain. I completely believe God has a purpose in all of this. I know some things He has already accomplished or begun to accomplish in my life like: growing my faith, stretching my trust, helping me to let go of control, strengthening my relationship with him, and much more. I am just questioning whether the Lord means for us to have any more children. I just don't know anymore.



So where do we go from here? We're still talking and praying about it. We had originally said we'd do 3 IUI procedures at the most, and if those didn't work, we'd stop "trying". We've done 2, and after this last one, I just don't know if I want to do another. It's just so difficult to put so much emotional investment into something like this each month. I'm tired. So I think we may be done. Between this and my parents splitting up, I feel very emotionally drained. I'm not giving up hope, but I think it may be time to completely give up control. I have realized that in doing all the charting, temperature-taking, tests, timing, fertility procedures and medications I have still been attempting to hold onto some control. Of course, I realize ultimately God is in control of this whole situation, yet I have felt better knowing that I've been at least "doing my part." And I think there is nothing wrong with using the resources out there when a couple is trying to get pregnant, as long as they are not crossing any moral boundaries and are being led by the Lord in every decision they make. I have many Christian friends who have had wonderful blessings of children come out of infertility treatment. I don't regret what we've done so far. For me, I think I needed to "try everything" (except IVF) before I could let go of it all.



Brian has been great this whole time. I don't really think he wanted to do any of the infertility treatment, yet he was willing to do whatever I felt like we needed to do. He didn't want me to feel like we "gave up" without trying almost everything humanly possible. But he has always had the attitude that if God means for us to have a baby, He will cause it to happen. I am so appreciative of how he's gone along with all of this for so long. It means so much to me that he loves and cares about me that much. Now that we have tried it "my way" for 1-1/2 years, I think God is telling me that it's time to release my grip on this. I cannot express to you how scarey that is for me. I realize I struggle with control issues. For me to let this go completely is a very big step. But I think it's the next big step that God is gently pushing me toward. In the past, I've done "my part" and then I've sat back and waited for God to do His. In other words, I've done all I can humanly do to try to get pregnant, and then I've handed over the reigns to God to complete the task. I think God is telling me that I now need to surrender the reigns to Him FIRST and give Him all control of the situation.



To give up complete control means you have to be ready to accept the consequences and believe that they are the best thing for you and your family. Up to this point, I haven't been willing to accept that the answer to us may be that we are NOT to have any more children. I think that's why I've wanted to hold onto the reigns a little bit. And God has graciously allowed me to do that. So please pray for us as we go down another road of this journey. I think, for me, this may be the hardest one yet. My sister-in-law told me something a long time ago that has stuck with me. She said that when she was going through infertility, she had to come to a place where she was "okay" with not having any more children (she had one child at the time). Once she got to that place in her heart, she had more peace. Fortunately, the Lord blessed her with another daughter through IVF. I'm not to that place yet, but I'm getting closer. I don't mean that I am not perfectly happy and content with having my two children. I truly am happy, and I love them so very much. I know that most people going through infertility don't have any children. Knowing how I feel, I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like for them; how much stronger the intense longing must be. But I am just not at that place of acceptance yet. That's my goal: to get to the point of truly being okay if I don't have any more children, while at the same time, holding onto the hope that God can cause a miracle to happen still. He's NEVER late with his blessings, and He never withholds them from the ones He loves.

Thank you again for all your prayers for my family and your continued support. I pray you've all had a wonderful Christmas, and I wish you a blessed New Year!

P.S. I am still knitting a baby blanket, as I talked about in my last blog. I pray that it will be for our baby, but if not, I can give it to my next niece or nephew. :)

Running the Race

We have the IUI procedure scheduled for tomorrow morning, Wed., Dec. 10th. I was on fertility medication (Clomid) again this month to help ensure good ovulation, and last night I was given a shot of HCG, which is supposed to trigger ovulation in 36 hours or so. I had an ultrasound of my ovaries yesterday and things seem to be progressing along well: the doctor said there is a 60-70% chance two eggs could be released (twins!). The more I look at things this month, the more I am convinced that 2 months ago when we did the IUI procedure we missed the ovulation, just as my doctor suspected. So I feel more hopeful for this month. Also, the doctor has prescribed supplemental progesterone for me to start taking 3 days after the procedure. That is an answer to prayer because I have been concerned this whole time that low progesterone may be part of the reason I am having trouble getting pregnant. For those who don't know, the woman's body normally produces much higher levels of progesterone during the 2nd half of her cycle (after ovulation). If progesterone levels aren't high enough, a fertilized egg can't implant in the first place, or, if it does, early miscarriage often occurs. I have just felt in my gut for a long time now that this could be a problem for me, but even if it's not, it doesn't hurt to take the supplement. Since we are only going to do this procedure one more time if it doesn't "work" this month, I want to give it the best shot possible this time around!

So, now I once again covet your prayers for us. Please join me in prayer for the following:
1) that ovulation will be well timed with the IUI procedure tomorrow morning, (that we won't miss it this time!)
2) that more than one egg will be released (betters our chances, plus we wouldn't mind having twins) :)
3) that fertilization and implantation take place
4) that I'll become pregnant this month: what a miraculous Christmas present that would be!
5) for comfort if we don't get pregnant this time
6) for patience, endurance, and strength to try again next month, if needed.

Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers for me and my family. I have felt such peace, in the last few months especially, that I know comes from your interceding prayers on my behalf. If there is ANYTHING I can be praying for for you or your family, please let me know. I really want to return the blessing to you, and to have the wonderful privilege to go to the Lord in prayer for you. I know many are going through very rough times right now, especially with the economy the way it is. I'd love to hear from you.

Below is a Bible verse I have been focusing on the last couple of weeks as I find myself hopeful, yet sometimes weary from the race. I really do feel like this is a race which I am walking very slowly in! The "race" part feels like my biological clock, since I am nearing 36. Yet I feel like I'm walking because it has been over 3 years since this journey began. As more and more people around me get pregnant, I liken them to runners passing me by in the race. Like me, most of you have read or heard the verses many times probably, but I've just really lately focused on all the words. The three sins that have tripped me up most often during this wait to have another baby have been doubt, impatience, and worry. I pray against these every day because I want nothing to take my focus off Jesus. If I were to try to run this race wearing those hinderances, I would never get to the finish line; and if I let my eyes shift their focus from Jesus, I will surely stumble and fall.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Faith Steps

Just wanted to post an update on what the "plan" is for this month. Of course, this is just our plan, who knows what God is going to do! We decided to take a month off from any fertility treatment and try it on our own this month. Please pray for a miracle that this could happen without any medical intervention. If we don't get pregnant this month, we'll proceed with the IUI procedure again next month. My fertility doc thinks that perhaps the timing was wrong last month, based on all the data. We're going to do an ultrasound earlier next cycle to try to better time the procedure. I am still very optimistic, but I am so anxious for this to happen. As you all know, it's so difficult to wait for something that you long for with all of your heart. But at least we can rest in the knowledge that God's plan is far better than our plan.

Last month I mentioned that I felt an overwhelming confidence that this would happen someday for us. Following that conviction, I felt like God was leading me to take some steps of faith to demonstrate my belief. The first step was to boldly announce my belief to friends and family, as I did to some personally and in this blog. Then, I was prodded a little further a couple weeks ago by a friend of mine. She encouraged me to purchase a few baby things in confidence that I would have a child to use them. Further steps of faith. I had done this over a year ago after Brian had the reversal surgery, when I was confident that it would happen right away (but God likes to keep us guessing!). I purchased a onesie the first month we began trying to conceive. I also purchased a few maternity items in the beginning months. I think my sister-in-law, Denise, thought I was crazy since I wasn't pregnant yet! I had such confidence. But since then, caution has stopped me from buying anything else.

But I think it's time to throw caution to the wind! Since I wasn't quite brave enough to purchase any big baby items, I decided my "faith step" would be to knit some baby things for our future baby. I believe God will honor that stepping out, and that He will bless us for it. True faith, I think, involves a progression of steps. When we first come to a belief in Jesus Christ as our Savior, we believe it in our head; we think it. The next step would be to proclaim our faith aloud; we say it. Then we act out our faith through water baptism (as a symbol of our faith) and through a life led by Jesus; we live it. So in this same way, I feel like I am progressing in faith. I first believed God would bless us with a child, then I told others about my belief that this will happen, and now I am trying to take actions that show God and those around me that I truly believe this will happen for us. I know that our "faith in action" can, and will, move God to act because it says so in the Bible:

"Faith without works is dead." James 2:20
"[Jesus] said, 'Your faith has healed you.'" Matt. 9:22
"According to your faith will it be done to you." Matt 9:29
"Woman, you have great faith. Your request is granted." Matt. 15:26
"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well...The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:15a, 16b

And when I am tempted to doubt because of what I SEE with my eyes: I am 35 (which lowers my odds of getting pregnant), my husband has fertility issues, and we've been trying for almost 1-1/2 years with no success, God brings this verse to my mind:

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corin. 5:7

Not this month. For reasons I don't understand, God in His perfect wisdom has chosen to not allow for me to be pregnant this month. I thank you so much for your prayers for us during this time. I KNOW that they have been answered because I feel so at peace. In fact, I feel it's truly a miracle that I feel the way I do. For the first time in a long time, I did not cry when I realized I was not pregnant this month. I was not heart-broken or in despair, ready to give up. I know God was preparing me all week for this, and I know it was your prayers and mine that have caused God to move in that way. Amazingly, I feel a strengthening of faith instead of a wavering. I am more confident now than I have ever been before that this will happen for us someday. With the procedure, the fertility drugs, and the positive ultrasound (showing multiple follicles) this month, we had all invested a lot of hope. Therefore, for me to react this way after receiving such disappointing news can only mean one thing: God is moving. And I'm excited to see what He will do next.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

--Lord, my choices right now are to trust in your promises or to doubt you. If I trust, you promise peace, so therefore, I choose to trust. I know that trusting you is a conscious choice I make: it's an action, not a feeling. Please help me to daily trust You no matter how long you ask me to wait.--

That above Bible verse and prayer were written by me in my journal in October 2005. During that time in my life I was struggling with a deep desire to have another child, but God had not yet placed that same desire on my husband's heart. Little did I know that my Lord was sending me on a faith journey like none I'd ever gone on before! It would take a year and a half of waiting on God and trusting in Him in a way I had never done before. It was a very difficult period in my life. At the same time that I was longing for this child, my parents were having a crisis in their marriage, which affected me and my family greatly. I didn't understand why God was asking me to endure so much all at once. Wasn't one difficulty enough? But as I walked through that valley with God's leading, I realized that God needed to grow my little faith. He knew I needed some big lessons in relinquishing control and trusting more fully in Him. As my faith grew and my relationship with Jesus deepened, He blessed me with the answer to my prayer:

May 5, 2007. Brian announced that he would like to try to have another child. I will never forget that day. God is so faithful, and my husband is so wonderful. I know it was God who led Brian to that decision. I also know that it was my husband's great love for me and his desire to bring me great joy that he made that announcement that day. I do believe he wants more children, but most of all he wanted this for me, I think. That is the type of man he is. I know it pains him greatly when he knows that I am hurting. He always puts the needs of others before his own. He has been a wonderful, faithful husband and I don't think I tell him that often enough. I don't think he'll ever fully know what his announcement on that May day meant to me. It literally changed my spiritual life. I am still overwhelmed with what he has gone through because of his love for me: a painful vasectomy reversal surgery, tests, infertility doctor visits, discouraging lab results, disappointments, and his wife's sorrow month after month. But I know he will be rewarded for the way he has stood by me through all of this, and for his willingness to keep on trying when it seems hopeless. I pray that the faith God has given me and the conviction that He WILL bless us with another child will be given to Brian as well. I want him to feel what I feel. I want everyone to! This week is his birthday, and this month is our 14-year anniversary (we've been together for over 17 years). I love you Brian. Thank you for being a wonderful dad to our children, and for blessing me beyond words. I am so glad we are taking this faith journey together, and I believe that God has amazing gifts in store for us if we keep our eyes focused on Him and His plan.

Now, where was I... (Sorry, I'm a little scatter-brained today. I have all these thoughts flying around in my head, so this blog is not going to be very orderly!) Oh yes, I was giving you some background in this faith journey I'm on. (Quite frankly, those of you closest to me have been on this journey with me. You have told me how God is using this situation to strengthen your faith, too, and I'm so excited about that.) Well, I naively thought that Brian would have the surgery and we'd get pregnant within a few months. But God had different plans. He knew that my faith needed to grow much more than it already had, and Brian's as well. I'd love to say that my faith steadily increased month after month, with no dips and no doubts. I'd love to say that I always trusted in God's plan and never gave up on it. But both would be lies. A few months ago in particular--in June to be exact--I was ready to give up. It was the year mark: one year since Brian's surgery. Things had not worked out the way I had planned them. I was supposed to be pregnant or even with a newborn by that time. "God, hadn't you gotten my schedule? Why aren't you following the plan?" I was convinced that I could not go through another month of disappointment. I was ready to give up. In my despair, I cried out to God, and God was there. In fact, He had never left my side, I had just stopped looking for Him.

I believe that was a big turning point for me. God wanted for me to get that place of hopelessness and utter surrender, so He could more freely move me in faith. It was a valley that God has been bringing me slowly out of ever since. I started with little steps uphill, but lately I have been climbing with a vigor in huge strides. You know what the difference has been? Precious time spent with the Lord. I know that seems elemental or maybe even cliche, but it is the truth. I had drifted from Him. Yes, I was still spending time in prayer, but I wasn't really spending time with the person to whom I was praying to. Does that make sense? I had gotten busy with life, but lazy with God. I knew it in my heart, but until I went on a woman's retreat in September with my dear friend Angela, I didn't actually make a change and reconnect with God. I made a commitment to Him that weekend that I would answer His call for fellowship. I would begin each day with Him. I longed to get back to that closeness I had with God during that year and a half before we started to try for a child. During that first 1-1/2 years, I had been desperate and hopeless and God stretched my faith way beyond my comfort zone. I longed for that kind of faith-stretching again, however painful it might be.

And God has not let me down. These past two month that I've spent in intimate closeness to the Lord have been more than I could imagine. Although nothing has changed in my actual circumstances, my faith is stronger than ever. I know that has been part of God's plan all along. I have come to a place where I can say with certainty that I know God is going to bless us with a child. I was afraid to journal that because it's a pretty bold statement, and now it's out there for all to see. I know I set myself up for possible disappointment and ridicule (maybe even pity) from others by stating that, but I also believe God has been bringing me to this place of "reckless" faith. And it's where I need to rest. Once again, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, and expecting God to move in miraculous ways. I hope you will step out with me.

In the story of Sarah, who laughed when God told her she would have a child in her old age, God replied: "Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

Definetely not.

Puzzle Pieces

My son, Preston, is really into jigsaw puzzles right now. There is always one spread out on our dining room table waiting for someone to sit down for a few minutes or an hour and find some more pieces that fit snugly together. Sometimes Preston works alone. He enjoys this time and the challenge of working by himself, but he is not as productive. Other times his sister, Taylor, sits down with him, and they accomplish a lot more together. He especially loves it when Brian pulls up a chair and the two can enjoy wonderful father-son time.

"Have you ever taken one piece of a jigsaw puzzle and wondered what it is going to be? That is how we look at life, in comparison to what God knows and sees. God knows your jigsaw puzzle, and you will continue to be given the pieces until you, too, get to see the masterpiece. God is still at work. He has not brought you to a dead end. He has brought you to a new road filled with questions and uncertainties. But He is not dropping you off saying, 'See you later!' No - He is saying, 'Come, my child, let me walk with you and show you the way.' One day, I am confident I will see a beautiful masterpiece as all the heartaches and pain join together with the love, mercy and perfect will of God. God is [still] faithful!"

That was from another blogger going through infertility. I thought that was so sweet and God-inspired. It reminded me of my puzzle-working son. Often, we try to figure out on our own how all the pieces of our life fit together. We often try to force pieces together that aren't meant to go together. We want to do it our way. But then someone comes alongside us and offers to help, and we find that we have much more success when we work together.

I believe that God wants us to join Him while He is working out the puzzle masterpiece in our lives. The Bible teaches us that Jesus had not come to do His own will, but to do His father's will (John 4:34; 5:30; 6:38). He also said that to know what His father's will was, He watched to see what He was doing. Then he joined His father in that work.

"When you see the Father at work around you, that is your invitation to adjust your life to Him and join Him in that work...Recognizing God's activity is dependent on your love relationship with Him and His taking the initiative to open your spiritual eyes to see it." (Experiencing God, by Henry Blackaby and Claude King)

I am so thankful that God has allowed me already to see part of that jigsaw puzzle taking shape. He has let me in on some of the secret. You know when you get a section of a puzzle put together and you see part of the picture forming? It inspires you and pushes you to keep working on it. When I see how God has used some of the "puzzles" of this infertility journey together for good for me or for others--and most importantly to glorify Him--I am humbly grateful and anxious in anticipation of what pieces He'll fit together next. He has invited me to join Him in this journey through a love relationship with Him and through obedience to His Word. I know He has allowed me to see part of the finished puzzle because He knows I need the encouragement that that knowledge brings. Seeing God's miracles and answers to my prayers is what gives me the courage to persevere in this journey to have another child.

Yet I am also thankful that God doesn't show me everything. If He did, He knows that I would need Him less. I would rely too much on myself and not enough on Him. I wouldn't have ever fallen on my knees in despair, begging Him for help. I wouldn't have come to realize that I have control over nothing, and only God is in complete control. So often God works around us while we do not see it. Whether He reveals His plan to us or not, it doesn't change the plan. Take for instance the story of Elisha in 2 Kings 6. An army had surrounded the city of Dothan in which Elisha and his servant were in. Because Elisha's servant was terrified, Elisha prayed: "'O Lord, open his eyes so he may see.' Then the Lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha." God was at work, even when the servant didn't see it.

Ever lost a couple pieces of the puzzle? That often happens to Preston. He puts together all the pieces he has and then realizes there are still some pieces missing. He can't see the whole picture. This side of heaven, we'll never know the full reason for why God allows the painful times in our lives. He is gracious enough to give us glimpses, and sometimes outright revelations, of His work. But one day, when we are with Him in eternity, we will see our finished life puzzle and praise Him for the perfect plan that He had all along.

God's Faithfulness in Infertility

Actually, the doctor calls us "sub-fertile", which basically means we CAN get pregnant, but it won't be easy! Most of my family and friends know about our almost 1-1/2 year struggle with trying to get pregnant after Brian's vasectomy reversal. Although it has been a difficult journey to be on, it has been a fully rewarding one as well. God has caused me to grow in my faith and in my relationship to Him in ways I could never have imagined. For that, I wouldn't trade one day of the experience.

To catch everyone up to speed: we are currently waiting to find out if I am pregnant this month after an IUI procedure done over a week ago. I emailed many of you before the procedure, asking you to pray for the procedure to go smoothly (it did!) and for me to become pregnant. We are even being so bold as to pray for twins. :) Please keep praying for us!! I can feel the Lord's presence so profoundly because of your prayers so far. I am so humbled and grateful for them.

During this time of waiting, I have felt the Lord impressing upon me three lessons, which I feel are intertwined: peace, promises, and patience:

PEACE
I have always loved Bible verses about peace. I am drawn to them. Perhaps it is because I struggle with being anxious a lot. I am not naturally calm, cool, and collected--just ask my husband! Recently, the Lord revealed something interesting to me about my favorite verse: Phil. 4:4-7. (I am actually memorizing verses 4-9 and 11-13 right now, which I would encourage you to do, too.) What stood out to me one day were the words "peace of God" and "guard" (vs. 7). In Webster's Dictionary peace is described by the words harmony, serenity, calm, quiet, silence. But God's peace acts as a defense and protection for our hearts and minds. The peace of God is calm and quiet, but it is also guarding us at the same time. What a powerful thought! It's hard to understand this kind of peace because God says it "transcends all understanding". But even though I don't understand it completely, I believe it. And that's all that God asks us to do. Knowing that God's peace is standing guard, I feel comforted and protected. "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." That is a promise I rely on, especially during this time of infertility, which leads me to my next point...

PROMISES
I am currently doing a Bible study on my own about Psalms. The other day I was encouraged to write down specific promises which God has made in His word that I wanted Him to remember. And then to write down if there was a condition to those promises--that is, something I must do for them to be fulfilled. "Remember the word to Your servant, in which You have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that Your word has revived me." (Psalm 119:49-50) Charles Spurgeon wrote, "When we see no present display of the divine power, it is wise to fall back upon the records of ages, since they are just as available as if the transactions were yesterday, seeing the Lord is always the same..." Looking not only to the Bible to see all of God's promises that were fulfilled, but also to promises He has fulfilled in my own life, I am encouraged and uplifted to trust God more fully in the present. God led me specifically to 10 promises in the Bible that I can apply to what I am going through right now, which I wrote about in my journal. I wanted to share some of them in this blog; the first one I have already talked about:
Promise: God's peace will guard my heart and mind. Condition: Pray and petition God with thanksgiving, focus my mind on pure and noble things, and put into practice what God commands in His word. (Psalm 4:6-13)
Promise: God's goodness will be upon me and He will give me exactly enough of Himself that I need: He'll be my portion. Condition: Wait silently and seek God. (Lamentations 3:21-26a)
Promise: God will give me the desires of my heart. Condition: Delight in the Lord, commit my ways to Him, and trust in Him. (Psalm 37:4-5)
Promise: I will receive whatever I ask for in prayer if it is God's will. Condition: Have faith, believe, have no doubt, and ask for it! (Matt. 21:22)
Promise: God will sustain me and not let me fall. Condition: Cast my cares upon Him. (Psalm 55:22)
Promise: I will have rest for my soul when I am weary and burdened. Condition: Come to Jesus, take His yoke upon me, and learn from His gentleness and humility. (Matt. 11:28-29)

I am comforted by God's promises during difficult times in my life. His promises are what give me hope, peace, and...

PATIENCE
Besides being anxiety-prone my nature, I am also prone to impatience. (Can I get an "Amen!" to that?!) It has been 3 years and 3 months since the Lord first placed the desire on my heart to have another child. God is obviously trying to teach me some patience! In my struggle with patience in getting pregnant, I have tried desperately to grasp on to the thin strands of hope that are often the only things left when the wait takes longer than you thought it would. About a month ago I came up with my definition for hope: faithful, unwavering expectation for something God will bring to pass in His time. That's what God has taught me the most through all of this: it will happen in HIS time. A friend of mine who knew about my struggle, shared a wonderful verse with me a few months ago. "But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, just be patient. These things will surely come to pass. They will not be overdue a single day." Habakkuk 2:3 (Living Bible). What an awesome PROMISE (see how these words are intertwined?) this is. It gives me so much confidence in God and in my future. He has perfect timing: I do not. He knows what is best for my family: I do not. He is God: I am not.

While we are resting in God's PEACE, waiting in PATIENCE for God's PROMISES to be fulfilled, we should be involved with God in His work in our lives. John Waller wrote a beautiful song called "While I'm Waiting", which was in the great film Fireproof. He said this about the song: "The important thing to remember while we're waiting on God is to not just wait, but to actively wait. Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are, even while you wait."

God bless you all.

Confessions of a New Blogger...

I have decided to join the modern world and create a blog, with the hopes that something I have learned from the Lord and share with you will be helpful in your life's journey. My husband is always nagging at me to write, so I thought this might be a good way to get started. I used to love to write, but somewhere along the road, LIFE got in the way and I quit doing it. Or perhaps that has just been an excuse, my real reason being fear and lack of confidence. Probably the latter. Regardless, I have felt prompted by the Lord to start this blog not only for others, but for myself as well. At the same that it hopefully encourages some of you, it provides for me an outlet to begin writing again. My goal in this blog is to glorify the Lord by pointing out all that He has accomplished in my life up to this point in my existence. I am no great theologian nor Bible scholar. I don't claim to know all the answers to life's problems. I am not particularly well-spoken nor eloquent. I just humbly pray to be an open vessel through which the Lord can speak. So often I have an awesome quiet time with the Lord, or I learn something new in a Bible study, and I think to myself, "Who can I share this with? It's too good to keep to myself!" That's why I am starting this blog. I hope God uses something I write here to encourage you in some way. God bless!