"'But I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

**Disclaimer: The following blog is filled with random thoughts and feelings with multiple themes. I hope I don't lose you along the way!**

This very familiar verse has brought much comfort to me these past couple weeks. (Thank you, Bonnie, for reminding me of it and for praying it over me while I was hurting.) I am doing much better since my last email. I know that is by the Lord's grace and for those of you who were praying for me. Thank you so much for the flowers (Brian and Dad), prayers, emails, phone calls, and hugs. Those close to me especially have understood that while there are far worse tragedies that could occur in life, to me, this was a big deal. I know that anyone who has experienced infertility knows what I'm talking about even more fully.

My mother-in-law gave me a devotional from Charles Stanley (from February's In Touch) that really touched me. I wanted to share some of it with you:

"No hardship is greater than God's provision for enduring it: Jesus' Spirit lives within each believer. By cooperating with His Holy Spirit, we can allow Christ's life to be released into our circumstances... His power dwells in us, ready and available. When we live in fellowship with our Father and rely upon Him, we can become like rocks, standing firm against the onslaughts of life... Our peace and joy originate not in the circumstances of life but in our relationship with Christ. That's why we can experience contentment even when a tidal surge slams against us."

It's always been my purpose to glorify God throughout this journey; I desire to always point to Him. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don't, but then God in His grace picks me back up again. I got to thinking that maybe one of the purposes He has in not allowing me to get pregnant yet is so that He can more fully receive glory if and when it happens. Now if it were to happen, no credit could be given at all to fertility procedures or drugs. All the glory would be His. I think that's important because I truly want everyone to see God's miraculous ways during this. Another thing I've thought about the past couple weeks has to do with hope (seems to be a popular theme with me!). "I have put my hope in Your word." Psalm 119:81 I was studying that verse and the verses after it and I wrote the following in my prayer journal: "I was about to journal that I have put all my hope in You. Then I heard a voice in my head saying, "all your hope?" I think maybe not. Up until now I think I have put most of my hope in You, but the rest in myself (timing) and in fertility drugs, doctors, procedures, supplements, and the like. I wonder, have You been patiently waiting for me to be done with all that other stuff that I've been counting on, so that I could finally be free to put the entirety of my hope in You?"

"If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction." Psalm 119:92

Even more so than prayer, the Lord's words in the Bible have helped me the most these past couple years. God's Word goes beyond encouragement and direction--both of which I've thankfully received in abundance--to a place of inner reflection on my part. I've been asking myself: What can I learn from this? How am I responding to this disappointment? How can God use me through this? Is my own sin limiting my usefulness? Like the Israelites in the desert (I've been studying the life of Moses lately), am I doubting God when things don't go like I want them to? Am I trusting God with our future? I think the Bible helps to focus us on ourselves (in a critical, not prideful way) and Him instead of our circumstances. One thing that I've been doing lately that really helps me personalize God's Word is to read it and then journal it back in my own words in the form of a prayer. This works really well with the Psalms. In particular, I've been working through Psalm 119, a stanza each day (it's actually a poem, for those of you who didn't know).

So where does that leave us now? Well, until the Lord directs me to pray otherwise, I will continue to pray for us to be blessed with another child. I still feel so strongly that He will bless us that way. But I also pray for that desire to be removed from our hearts, if that is not the direction He is taking this. I am confident that He will answer our prayers either way. Please don't stop praying for us... and for a miracle.

God bless you all!

I should be used to this by now...

As you probably guessed from the title, it is a "no" again this month. Thank you all so much for your fervent prayers. I know you all wanted this to happen for us. I have to be honest, that as I write this I am just kind of numb. I am deeply saddened about the outcome, but I can't seem to cry right now. Maybe it's because I got all of my crying out on Wednesday when I took an early pregnancy test that came back negative. Unfortunately, my husband and my friend Angela got the brunt of my despair when they called on Wednesday morning. However, since it was early and I hadn't started my cycle yet, I allowed myself to have a tiny fraction of hope. But the second negative this morning pretty much confirms things. I will stop taking the progesterone and should begin my next cycle in the next day or so. For once, I really don't know what to write. I know that God is still God, and I still trust Him fully for our future. I am just SO tired of going through this emotional turmoil every month. Maybe from now on it will be a little better, though. With no medical intervention, perhaps my expectations will be lower hence forth. I don't know, though--hope is a very determined emotion. For me, hope and hopelessness seem to go hand in hand these last several years. I know that doesn't make much sense, but it's kind of how I feel every month. Anyway, as my husband reminds me, whatever is to happen WILL happen as it should, because God is in control. I've never doubted that, but it's the struggle to reach that future that is sometimes so difficult to take. I'll close with the words--His words--that I just "happened" to read in my devotional time on Wednesday:

"You are good, and what you do is good." Psalm 119:68

How can I argue with that...