Continual hope

Well, here we go--our last time around. Since this is the last IUI that we plan to do, I want to make sure I have everyone on board praying for us! Here's the update: the IUI is scheduled for this Sunday, Nov. 15th at 11:00 a.m. Things are a little different this time because I have 7 good-sized follicles (as opposed to 3 last time). I know that number sounds pretty scarey (we don't want to be the next "Brian and Tammy + 9" hit TLC show!), but we had to put everything in perspective. Every other time my ovaries have been stimulated with fertility drugs, some of the follicles have been cysts not containing eggs. Also, even if they are all eggs, odds are that not all will release or be fertilized. Also, we've been trying for 2-1/2 years and haven't yet gotten pregnant. But there is an increased chance of multiples, so my doctor today gave me the option to continue with the IUI this month or not. After talking it over with Brian, we decided to move forward. Yes, we are taking a chance of getting pregnant with more than one, but we feel that it's in God's hands, so whatever He blesses us with we'll be grateful.

I have felt very positive this month, even before I got today's news about the number of follicles I have. I'm actually much more positive than I have been for a long time. I don't know if it's wishful thinking, empty hope, or a peace from God that this is finally it. I don't know if I feel this way because my really good friend who is my age, just found out she is unexpectedly pregnant, even though the chances of that happening were very slim (they weren't trying). I don't know if it's because I wrote in my journal 2 years ago that I really felt I would be pregnant at the same time as my sister-in-law, Denise, who is due with twins within this next month (so it has to happen in the next 2 weeks for that prediction to come true!). I don't know if it's because we really like the name "Autumn" for a girl, and this is the last month this year she could be conceived in autumn. I don't know if it's because our family vowed to fast from a favorite food item until I get pregnant or we adopt. (Whenever we think about that item, it's a reminder for us to pray for God to bless us with a baby.) I don't know why I feel this way, I just do. Out of protection, my heart wants to NOT believe it will happen so I won't be heartbroken if it doesn't. But my mind isn't cooperating with that! I DO have faith. I DO have hope. I DO believe. Most of all, I know with all my heart that if this doesn't work out this month, God is still in control, He has a better plan, and He will get us through.

I've been studying lately about how my hope needs to be continual, even though continuing down this road is often very hard, painful work. This is very similar to endurance, which I blogged about last time. It's much easier to continue on in my hope when I focus on the fact that I serve a continual God. He has always been and will always be. He never fails. He is always there for me. Knowing this, I can continue on.

"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more." Psalm 71:14

Developing Perseverance

For those of you who don't know, we tried a round of infertility treatment with an injectible fertility drug called Follistim, followed by our fourth IUI (but this was our first IUI with the new doctor I talked about in my last blog). It seemed like I had a good chance of getting pregnant because I had three good-sized follicles that looked like they would release eggs. However, I did not get pregnant, and a follow-up ultrasound revealed that only one follicle released an egg and the other two formed cysts. I have responded this way to fertility drugs before (made cysts instead of eggs), and so do many other women. So it's not that uncommon, but it's very frustrating. So now I'm on birth control pills for three weeks (seems odd, huh?!) to keep me in a "holding pattern" so-to-speak. We don't want my cycle to move forward this month, and we also need to shrink the cysts. The pills usually help speed that along. After the cysts are hopefully gone in another two weeks, we will begin Follistim again. This time however, the doctor wants to put me on a higher dose to more aggressively stimulate my ovarian function. The educated medical assumption is that my body will again produce some cysts, but that with higher doses of medication, it will also produce more eggs. For each cycle, the ideal is to have 2-4 good eggs to increase your chances of getting pregnant. Even with the larger number of eggs, there is still only a 10% chance of twins (which we want) and less than 1% chance of 3 or more. Not sure how the increased drug dosage will affect me--I had some annoying and uncomfortable side effects last time, but nothing serious--but I guess it's worth the discomfort if it brings about a baby or two!

I think this is probably the last procedure we will do, regardless of the outcome. The emotional turmoil that Brian and I both go through is very difficult to deal with month after month. Infertility treatment makes that worse, because along with the increased hope comes increased disappoinment. But I feel like with every IUI procedure we learn a little bit more about what doesn't work for my body. So hopefully with this fifth time around, everything will be worked out and God will cause a miracle to happen. Thank you SO much to all of you who were praying so passionately for us this past month. All of us had such high expectations with the new doctor, new drugs, etc. I think it was kind of a shock when it didn't "work". It was a really miserable couple days for me, but God and your prayers got me through. Jesus never left my side, and he so graciously put up with my tears, anger, depression, and self-centeredness (I had many "poor me" moments!). Now I can look at the future with renewed hope because of the words He has again spoke to me through scripture, prayer, and godly people.

"...you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything... Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:3-4, 12; NIV)

I have felt God nudging me to not only not give up, but to persevere. Perseverance means: persistence under harsh circumstances; steadfastness; continued pursuit. During this infertility journey my hope and belief that we will ever truly have another child has gone up and down like a yo-yo. I have been so inconsistent; so human in my doubt. Yet there are two things that have not changed in the entire 4-1/2 years that I've wanted a child. First, God's presence in my life has remained constant, which has given me immeasurable peace. Second, God has not changed my desire in wanting a child or given me any indication or confirmation that I'm supposed to stop praying for this. On the contrary, despite external circumstances looking so dim, I keep having this internal conviction to persevere no matter what.

One thing that probably helps me to persevere the most besides the reading of God's Word is the reading of past journal entries. Today I read a Bible verse that applies not only to scripture, but I think also to reading my own words that I have written in the past, because they remind me of what God has done in my life. That gives me hope for the future. "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragment of the Scriptures we might have hope." (Romans 15:4) As I am preparing to write a devotional book/journal about my journey with infertility, I have been rereading old journal entries. How often I have forgotten what God has done already, and the way He has used every circumstance to draw me closer to Him and to accomplish His purpose. So looking back at God's work, helps me to move forward in hope. I pray you will continue to move forward in hope along with me...

God bless.

New Hope

It's been a long time since I have last posted a blog, and much has happened. But no pregnancy yet. The 2-year anniversary of Brian's vasectomy reversal surgery has come and gone (June). We talked a lot about adoption, but Brian is just not feeling lead by the Lord in that direction at this time. We bought a new house, and moved in 2 weeks ago. I decided to write a devotional book about infertility. And we saw a new infertility doctor. So a lot has happened since my last post!

We were never planning on moving any further with infertility treatment, but the Lord moved us in a different direction. I had been praying for direction and that God would put it on Brian's heart where we were supposed to go from here. I had been thinking specifically about adoption. But instead Brian came to me out of the blue one day and asked if I wanted to pursue further options in infertility treatment. He said he'd be open to trying more IUIs again. I was shocked and thrilled that he would suggest this without any prompting on my part. Yes, I had posted earlier that we said we'd do three IUIs, and if those failed, we'd be done and let God take it from there. Now here we were several months later, considering trying more treatment. I prayed for a long time asking God if this was truly His will, or if we were taking matters into our own hands, instead of allowing him to get us pregnant "naturally". I just kept feeling a peace about it. I think it was mainly because I had specifically asked God to place His plan on Brian's heart. So when Brian unexpectantly came to me with this offer, I really felt like it had come from the Lord.

I think I always felt that we never really gave it our best shot because I was unhappy with our infertility doctor, to be quite honest. As I shared in earlier blogs, all three IUIs didn't seem to run smoothly. With the first one, the doctor thinks we missed the ovulation, then with the next two, my lining was quite thin, yet both those times Dr. T pushed ahead with the IUIs anyway. I never felt comfortable with that, but I went ahead with it because I felt "the doctor knows best". So the first thing I said to Brian is that I didn't want to do any more treatment with Dr. T. He never liked the guy anyway, so he was fine with switching doctors. I really wanted a second opinion and more testing to find out if it was even worth it for us to go ahead with more IUIs.

Right away, we both really liked our new doctor Dr. Rychlik. He seemed quite suspicious of Dr. T's diagnosis of Brian. Dr. T was always convinced the problem lay with Brian, and never really pursued looking any further than that. Our new doctor retested Brian and ran some tests on me (he suspected I was probably the one with the problems). Brian's tests came back fine. Boy was he quick with his "I told you it wasn't me!" But I was glad the problem probably lies with me and my ovaries not working properly, versus abnormal sperm for Brian, because it's much easier to treat me. He thinks I may have polycystic ovary syndrome, but the tests came back inconclusive. He just doesn't think I'm producing good, quality, robust eggs. A lot of that has to do with my age. We decided the best course of action is to try IUIs a few more times with different--and more potent--fertility drugs this time. If that doesn't work after 3 times (it should--50% chance by the 3rd time), the next step would be IVF or to stop. I don't know how we feel about IVF at this point, but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it. They will monitor me by ultrasound very carefully to make sure I don't produce too many eggs. We don't want quads, but twins or maybe even triplets would be okay!

So, now I'm just waiting for my new cycle to start in about a week and a half, then we'll begin. I will try to keep up better with this blog, so I can keep all of you posted on what's going on with all the treatments. Although my desire for a baby hasn't wained even a little, I have felt more calm about everything in the past few months. Maybe it's because I have been distracted with moving and starting the new school year with the kids. Mostly I think it's a large measure of peace the Lord has given me. My friend said that she thinks God was waiting until we had the room for another baby. Not that we couldn't have made it work with our other house, but it would have been awfully tight. We have a much bigger house now and a room waiting just for him or her (or both!). When friends have toured through our new house they ask, "whose room is that?" They are referring to the empty room next to Preston's. We all respond with "It's the future baby room." :) It's ready and waiting, just like we all are. I still believe with my whole heart that God will bless us with more children. I have renewed hope with the house, the new prognosis, and the new doctor. It's just a matter of time now...

When you think of it, please pray for the following:
1. That we'd continue to walk in the Lord's will, NOT our own. If we head in the wrong direction, may He gently but firmly get us back on course.
2. That we'd have success the very first time we try another IUI.
3. That I don't have any bad side affects to the new stronger fertility medication.
4. That we'd be patient in waiting on God's timing.
5. That if we are supposed to adopt instead, God would cause Brian to want that like I do.
6. Peace, peace, and more peace.
7. That I'd boldly begin to compile my blogs, journals, and thoughts into a book to help others. I know God has put it on my heart to write about this experience in book form, but it's scarey to begin!

Thank you, dear friends, for lifting us up in your prayers. They mean so much.

A Childlike Faith in Miracles

"Why did you choose to have that particular word engraved on it?" I asked.

"Because I know you are getting discouraged and sad about not having a baby, and I wanted you to keep believing," she answered.

As tears filled my eyes, I pulled my sweet, almost 12-year-old daughter into my arms. She had just given me a bracelet for Mother's Day, which she had bought with her own money. It was beaded blue and silver with a silver heart on which she had had inscribed one simple, poignant word: Faith.

My son came to me next.

"Dad and I couldn't decide which one to get you. We thought you'd like this one the best," said my 10-year-old son as he watched me open his gift, which he had also helped to purchase with his own money.

Out of the Willow Tree box I pulled a little kneeling angel, cupping three tiny baby birds in her hands. As I carefully turned the little figurine over to read the title on the bottom, my hands shook with emotion: Angel of Miracles.

That was Tuesday, May 5th. Two years ago on that day, Brian had miraculously announced he would be willing to undergo a vasectomy reversal so we could try to have more kids. I had been praying for that day for almost 2 years before that. The kids had no idea what the day's significance held for me. They just wanted to give me my Mother's Day cards and gifts early because we would be leaving for a soccer tournament two days later and would be gone over the holiday. They had no idea that just hours before they came into my bedroom, I had sat by myself in the bathroom, holding the negative pregnancy test, and cried out to God, "Take this desire from me. I don't want it anymore!" I begged this of God, over and over again. Anger, sadness, and frustration racked my body as I couldn't seem to get my focus off the injustice of getting my period on THAT day of all days.

Hours later, as I hugged my children for their precious gifts, I thanked my God for HIS precious gift. He knew exactly what I needed on that day. He knew I would be discouraged and in desperate need of the simple reminders of "faith" and "miracles". God used my children to show me His love and to let me know that He was still there with me and still in control of our family's future.

At times during this journey I've thought I should keep my emotions more to myself, not letting my children see some of my pain and disappointment. Although they are not privy to my closed door crying sessions nor the silent outbursts in my mind as I'm praying to my Lord during a particularly difficult day, they are aware of my struggles with this. But I've come to learn that it is good for them to see my disappointment, to know that God doesn't always answer prayers when and how we want Him to, and that life is hard. Even more important though, are the numerous chances I get to remind them that God is good, He has a plan, His ways are not our ways, He wants us to persevere in prayer and pour over His Word daily for strength and direction, and He loves us enough to take control of our lives. I pray that through all this they see a faith in me that is real--flawed, but still going strong. We have all grown so much stronger as a family because of this, and I know we've grown stronger in our individual walks as well. I have two wonderful, young prayer warriors praying alongside me every day for this to happen for our family. Words cannot explain what that means to me.

In closing: It especially hit me last week that I have a huge responsibility in this infertility journey. My children are looking at me, and they're looking closely. I have an obligation, given to me by God, to point them to Christ in everything I say and do. How I respond to each setback, each disappointment, is being watched. I want them to know that no matter what the outcome, I will still love and trust God the same, so they can, too. I want to be a reminder that God is faithful and we can believe in His promises. I'm so thankful that He had us wait to have more children until the ones we have now were old enough to learn these valuable life lessons along with Brian and I. I don't know exactly how God will use this in their lives now and in the future, I only know that He will use it.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:5-9

I'll go through the valley if You want me to

I've waited for awhile to post a new blog because there hasn't really been any news to report. We're still waiting on God's timing for another child. I keep praying that He would let me know if I shouldn't pray for this to happen anymore, and I haven't gotten any indication that I should stop, so I just keep praying away and pressing on. I would love to say that I am patiently waiting, but that is not always the case. Next cycle will mark the 2-year mark since we started trying to conceive. We NEVER imagined it would take this long, but we've learned that God has a much grander imagination than we do! I will always trust His plan to be much better than my own, but it's sometimes difficult to keep the doubt at bay. Especially now that Brian and I are 36, my kids are 10 and almost 12--it just feels like time is slipping away. But since God is the Father of time, I guess that really is inconsequential. I would appreciate your continued prayers for our patience (especially mine), hope, and faith. Also, could you please pray for our direction and discernment concerning some future decisions we'll be making regarding this.

As I've said before, I am so thankful for the journey, however painful it has been because it has brought me to a new level of faith in my Savior. The following lyrics are to a song from Ginny Owens called "If You Want Me To." I've always loved it and have drawn extra comfort from it these last few years, and I pray you will, too.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to

"'But I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

**Disclaimer: The following blog is filled with random thoughts and feelings with multiple themes. I hope I don't lose you along the way!**

This very familiar verse has brought much comfort to me these past couple weeks. (Thank you, Bonnie, for reminding me of it and for praying it over me while I was hurting.) I am doing much better since my last email. I know that is by the Lord's grace and for those of you who were praying for me. Thank you so much for the flowers (Brian and Dad), prayers, emails, phone calls, and hugs. Those close to me especially have understood that while there are far worse tragedies that could occur in life, to me, this was a big deal. I know that anyone who has experienced infertility knows what I'm talking about even more fully.

My mother-in-law gave me a devotional from Charles Stanley (from February's In Touch) that really touched me. I wanted to share some of it with you:

"No hardship is greater than God's provision for enduring it: Jesus' Spirit lives within each believer. By cooperating with His Holy Spirit, we can allow Christ's life to be released into our circumstances... His power dwells in us, ready and available. When we live in fellowship with our Father and rely upon Him, we can become like rocks, standing firm against the onslaughts of life... Our peace and joy originate not in the circumstances of life but in our relationship with Christ. That's why we can experience contentment even when a tidal surge slams against us."

It's always been my purpose to glorify God throughout this journey; I desire to always point to Him. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don't, but then God in His grace picks me back up again. I got to thinking that maybe one of the purposes He has in not allowing me to get pregnant yet is so that He can more fully receive glory if and when it happens. Now if it were to happen, no credit could be given at all to fertility procedures or drugs. All the glory would be His. I think that's important because I truly want everyone to see God's miraculous ways during this. Another thing I've thought about the past couple weeks has to do with hope (seems to be a popular theme with me!). "I have put my hope in Your word." Psalm 119:81 I was studying that verse and the verses after it and I wrote the following in my prayer journal: "I was about to journal that I have put all my hope in You. Then I heard a voice in my head saying, "all your hope?" I think maybe not. Up until now I think I have put most of my hope in You, but the rest in myself (timing) and in fertility drugs, doctors, procedures, supplements, and the like. I wonder, have You been patiently waiting for me to be done with all that other stuff that I've been counting on, so that I could finally be free to put the entirety of my hope in You?"

"If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction." Psalm 119:92

Even more so than prayer, the Lord's words in the Bible have helped me the most these past couple years. God's Word goes beyond encouragement and direction--both of which I've thankfully received in abundance--to a place of inner reflection on my part. I've been asking myself: What can I learn from this? How am I responding to this disappointment? How can God use me through this? Is my own sin limiting my usefulness? Like the Israelites in the desert (I've been studying the life of Moses lately), am I doubting God when things don't go like I want them to? Am I trusting God with our future? I think the Bible helps to focus us on ourselves (in a critical, not prideful way) and Him instead of our circumstances. One thing that I've been doing lately that really helps me personalize God's Word is to read it and then journal it back in my own words in the form of a prayer. This works really well with the Psalms. In particular, I've been working through Psalm 119, a stanza each day (it's actually a poem, for those of you who didn't know).

So where does that leave us now? Well, until the Lord directs me to pray otherwise, I will continue to pray for us to be blessed with another child. I still feel so strongly that He will bless us that way. But I also pray for that desire to be removed from our hearts, if that is not the direction He is taking this. I am confident that He will answer our prayers either way. Please don't stop praying for us... and for a miracle.

God bless you all!

I should be used to this by now...

As you probably guessed from the title, it is a "no" again this month. Thank you all so much for your fervent prayers. I know you all wanted this to happen for us. I have to be honest, that as I write this I am just kind of numb. I am deeply saddened about the outcome, but I can't seem to cry right now. Maybe it's because I got all of my crying out on Wednesday when I took an early pregnancy test that came back negative. Unfortunately, my husband and my friend Angela got the brunt of my despair when they called on Wednesday morning. However, since it was early and I hadn't started my cycle yet, I allowed myself to have a tiny fraction of hope. But the second negative this morning pretty much confirms things. I will stop taking the progesterone and should begin my next cycle in the next day or so. For once, I really don't know what to write. I know that God is still God, and I still trust Him fully for our future. I am just SO tired of going through this emotional turmoil every month. Maybe from now on it will be a little better, though. With no medical intervention, perhaps my expectations will be lower hence forth. I don't know, though--hope is a very determined emotion. For me, hope and hopelessness seem to go hand in hand these last several years. I know that doesn't make much sense, but it's kind of how I feel every month. Anyway, as my husband reminds me, whatever is to happen WILL happen as it should, because God is in control. I've never doubted that, but it's the struggle to reach that future that is sometimes so difficult to take. I'll close with the words--His words--that I just "happened" to read in my devotional time on Wednesday:

"You are good, and what you do is good." Psalm 119:68

How can I argue with that...

Quick update...

I went to the fertility doc today to have an ultrasound. The follicles look good--1 large one, 3 smaller ones (which means that probably only the one dominant one will release an egg, but who knows...). My mom just gave me my "trigger" shot tonight, which enduces ovulation in about 36 hrs. The IUI procedure is scheduled for exactly 36 hrs. after the shot: Saturday morning at 8:30. I am concerned because I seem to have thin uterine lining again this month. As a reminder, if the lining is too thin, a fertilized egg may not implant, thus no pregnancy.) I really wanted everything to line up perfectly for this last IUI attempt, but it's just not going to happen that way. So, that has me discouraged. I know that I just have to let that all go, trust the doctors, and most of all: trust God. I am trying to dwell on the verse I wrote in the last blog--to stay confident. God can and will make this happen this month IF it is His will, regardless of the circumstances. And with the added complication of a thin uterine lining, just think how much more of a miracle it will be if it happens this month! Please pray that all will go smoothly within my body and during the procedure Saturday, and obviously for a successful outcome. I'll let everyone know what happens in about 2 weeks. Please pray that I will be hopeful, while at the same time prepared for possible disappointment. I guess I just want God to protect my heart. And Brian's, too! Thank you dear friends.

Stay confident...Live by faith!

I just wanted to share a Bible verse that the Lord led me to today; I "accidentally" stumbled upon it while looking for another verse:

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised... But the righteous will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with Him." (Hebrews 10:35-38)

Wow, did that convict me! As each month passes, it gets more and more difficult to believe I'll ever get pregnant. But I don't want to go into this procedure with doubts and hesitation; I instead want to have an abundance of faith and hope. My cousin told me that she was praying for me like this was the first month we've ever tried, and in expectation that it will happen. That really helped me to focus my prayers and my thoughts this week. I'd be so honored if you prayed alongside us in that way. Thank you dear brothers and sisters in Christ!!!!!

We are hopefully in our last month of fertility treatment. The cysts are gone and I am on fertility medication (Femera). If all goes well this next week, we will probably do our third--and last--IUI next weekend. So, it's either "third time's a charm" or "three strikes, your out." You know which one we're all praying for!! I'm ready to be done with all of this focused "trying", but I'm glad we are doing this one last procedure. I am humbly asking for your prayers again this month. You all know how badly we want this to happen, and after so much disappointment it's difficult to let ourselves hope. Those of you who are close to me probably feel the same way.

I know God can move mountains, so I know this is not too big for Him. It's very comforting to really realize that no matter how slim our chances seem from our human perspective, in reality it has no bearing on God's ability to make something happen or not. It doesn't matter if we have a 20%, a 15% (or less) chance of getting pregnant. It could be a 1% chance. Our God is not limited by percentages, chances, nor odds. He can do ANYTHING. If we are meant to get pregnant, God will allow it to happen: no matter how the deck is stacked against us. Period. Beyond being faithful in prayer, obedient to His leading when He moves us to action or tells us to wait, and carefully following His word, there is nothing more we can do. At first that thought was terrifying to me because I realized I wasn't really in control. But I feel like God has brought me to a place in my life that I can be relieved that I'm not in control. I KNOW my God is good and that He causes all things to work for my good to fulfill His purpose. Knowing that--really believing that--makes all the difference. I hope you, too, have that same assurance, because it brings such amazing peace. I'm not saying I always feel okay about this situation. You know from my past blogs that it certainly wouldn't be true! There are many times that I am so angry and frustrated and sad in my longing. During those times I wish that God had never placed this desire on my heart in the first place. But even though I don't understand God's complete purpose in this, I do understand that He has a purpose in this. That's why I can have peace.

Thank you in advance for your prayers. I know God is listening and that we can move Him with our prayers. I believe that in faith, and I hope you do too. I'll keep everyone posted! :)

More waiting...

Just wanted to post another update to keep everyone in the loop. Unfortunately, I didn't get pregnant on my own last month (it's now been 1 yr. and 7 months of trying). I wasn't too hopeful, so I wasn't too disappointed. We had hoped to do the IUI procedure one last time this month, but that won't be happening either. It has to do with when my cycle started and my being on vacation visiting my sister-in-law when it did. They require an ultrasound between Days 1 and 5 before putting me on Femera, to ensure the cysts have gone away. Since I couldn't get that ultrasound, I have to wait another month for the IUI. It was disappointing, yet I know that God has a perfect plan for allowing it not to happen yet. I believe that fully, but it doesn't stop the longing. Please keep praying for a miracle this month while we try again "on our own" (of course, it's never truly on our own, is it, since God holds the cards?!). Pray that God will help us to not lose the faith and to keep believing in miracles. Thank you so much for your faithfulness and devotion.