"Why did you choose to have that particular word engraved on it?" I asked.
"Because I know you are getting discouraged and sad about not having a baby, and I wanted you to keep believing," she answered.
As tears filled my eyes, I pulled my sweet, almost 12-year-old daughter into my arms. She had just given me a bracelet for Mother's Day, which she had bought with her own money. It was beaded blue and silver with a silver heart on which she had had inscribed one simple, poignant word: Faith.
My son came to me next.
"Dad and I couldn't decide which one to get you. We thought you'd like this one the best," said my 10-year-old son as he watched me open his gift, which he had also helped to purchase with his own money.
Out of the Willow Tree box I pulled a little kneeling angel, cupping three tiny baby birds in her hands. As I carefully turned the little figurine over to read the title on the bottom, my hands shook with emotion: Angel of Miracles.
That was Tuesday, May 5th. Two years ago on that day, Brian had miraculously announced he would be willing to undergo a vasectomy reversal so we could try to have more kids. I had been praying for that day for almost 2 years before that. The kids had no idea what the day's significance held for me. They just wanted to give me my Mother's Day cards and gifts early because we would be leaving for a soccer tournament two days later and would be gone over the holiday. They had no idea that just hours before they came into my bedroom, I had sat by myself in the bathroom, holding the negative pregnancy test, and cried out to God, "Take this desire from me. I don't want it anymore!" I begged this of God, over and over again. Anger, sadness, and frustration racked my body as I couldn't seem to get my focus off the injustice of getting my period on THAT day of all days.
Hours later, as I hugged my children for their precious gifts, I thanked my God for HIS precious gift. He knew exactly what I needed on that day. He knew I would be discouraged and in desperate need of the simple reminders of "faith" and "miracles". God used my children to show me His love and to let me know that He was still there with me and still in control of our family's future.
At times during this journey I've thought I should keep my emotions more to myself, not letting my children see some of my pain and disappointment. Although they are not privy to my closed door crying sessions nor the silent outbursts in my mind as I'm praying to my Lord during a particularly difficult day, they are aware of my struggles with this. But I've come to learn that it is good for them to see my disappointment, to know that God doesn't always answer prayers when and how we want Him to, and that life is hard. Even more important though, are the numerous chances I get to remind them that God is good, He has a plan, His ways are not our ways, He wants us to persevere in prayer and pour over His Word daily for strength and direction, and He loves us enough to take control of our lives. I pray that through all this they see a faith in me that is real--flawed, but still going strong. We have all grown so much stronger as a family because of this, and I know we've grown stronger in our individual walks as well. I have two wonderful, young prayer warriors praying alongside me every day for this to happen for our family. Words cannot explain what that means to me.
In closing: It especially hit me last week that I have a huge responsibility in this infertility journey. My children are looking at me, and they're looking closely. I have an obligation, given to me by God, to point them to Christ in everything I say and do. How I respond to each setback, each disappointment, is being watched. I want them to know that no matter what the outcome, I will still love and trust God the same, so they can, too. I want to be a reminder that God is faithful and we can believe in His promises. I'm so thankful that He had us wait to have more children until the ones we have now were old enough to learn these valuable life lessons along with Brian and I. I don't know exactly how God will use this in their lives now and in the future, I only know that He will use it.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:5-9
