Quick update: I saw the fertility doctor today to have an ultrasound of my ovaries. They require this before you go on back-to-back cycles of Clomid b/c it can cause cysts (common side effect of this medication). Lucky me, I have 4 good size cysts on my ovaries from the last cycle of Clomid so I cannot do the IUI procedure this month as I had hoped. 99% of these type of cysts go away within the month, so next cycle should be fine. Kind of disappointing because we wanted to do one more month of fertility "stuff" and then be done with it. But, that's okay. It's probably best for us to have a month off anyway. Who knows, maybe it will happen naturally... :)Also, I forgot to mention something that the doctor told me last month, which she reminded me of again. When they did the ultrasound to check the size of my follicles, the doc was concerned that my uterine lining was a little thin. If it is not thick enough by the time the fertilized egg is ready to implant, I can't get pregnant. That could have been what happened last month. Who knows. It's another side effect of Clomid. But because of that, the doctor told me today that she wants to try me on a different fertility drug called Femera, which works differently and won't thin out my lining. We're hoping the "third time's a charm", but we are also prepared if it does not work.

Just wanted to let you all know what is going on. Thank you so much for your words of encouragment in the emails you have sent me and for your continued prayers. It means so much, and it DOES make a difference.

Running the Race with Endurance

I had to add a short blog (well, compared to some of my others!) because I was so greatly encouraged this morning. Here is what happened: While getting ready for church, Brian and I discussed the future and if we should go forward with any more infertility treatment. I told him how I was feeling and how I didn't think I wanted to go through it anymore. But he thought it best that we do one more IUI procedure before we let everything go, because that is what we had always planned on doing. We felt it was the right plan for us then, and he thinks we (I) will regret it later on if we don't follow through with that. If we try one more time, I'm not sure if the IUI will happen this month or the next; it depends on what my doctor says. I wish I could say I'm hopeful that the third time will be the one, but it's so hard to open up to hope when you are afraid of being hurt again. But I'm going to try, and with God's help, my faith will be strengthened. I was just so happy to be able to finally share my disappointment with Brian and be able to cry and lean on him for support this morning. I had been mostly keeping it inside. Since he was the one who originally was very skeptical about doing the procedure at all--let alone more than once--I was encouraged and touched that he wanted to try it one more time. The Lord knew that I needed Brian this morning, and I believe He gave him the words to say to me. When he left the room, I cried some more. I also asked God to give me clear direction if this is the way we were supposed to go.

We ended up not making it to church this morning, but instead watched the service live on www.calvaryphx.com, sitting around the computer as a family. I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord used that particular message on this particular morning to speak to me. I cried through a lot of it. It was all about endurance and finishing the race (based on 1 Corin. 9:24-27). Here are some thoughts from it (paraphrased): Endurance takes discipline and pushing ourselves beyond our safe place. Developing endurance can hurt, but you have to push through it. Often in a race, runners hit the "runner's wall" (For me, I experienced this physically while hiking the Grand Canyon rim to rim.). One must push past that point and keep putting one foot in front of the other to get to the end. Also, I was reminded that Jesus is the trailblazer of my faith (Hebrews 12:2). Because He is ahead of me, I can not only go on, but I can finish. And like a building, God often allows us to be torn down so He can build us up. He digs deep, causing pain, so He can lay a foundation that will allow Him to build high: He is the architect of our faith! Lastly, the pastor said that we need to push on even when we don't feel like it. Luke 18:1 tells us to pray always and don't give up, even when we don't see an answer. What does endurance look like? A prayer offered up over and over again even when we don't think it will do any good.

So, thank you again for those of you who have faithfully prayed. I hope you can see in my words the evidence that your prayers are working.

We will press on!

Letting Go of the Reigns

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed." Psalm 22: 1-5

As some of you already know, I am not pregnant this month. It was very disappointing and sad for me, especially because my hopes were high that it would happen during the holidays. But God has a different plan. I made a promise to myself that if I created this blog I would always be as honest as possible in it. I debated writing the negative thoughts I am having because it seems contradictory to all my other blogs. But I decided I needed to be honest, not only for myself, but also for those reading who may be going through similiar struggles and can identify. This is real. This is me. So here goes.



I am down and discouraged. To be completely honest, I have lost a little hope that this will ever happen for us. I am wondering if the confidence and assurance that I have had in getting pregnant has not truly been from God, but from my own deep desire. I just have a lot of questions and soul-searching to do. Please understand that I am NOT saying I've completely given up hope or that I think what we've gone through these past 3+ years has been in vain. I completely believe God has a purpose in all of this. I know some things He has already accomplished or begun to accomplish in my life like: growing my faith, stretching my trust, helping me to let go of control, strengthening my relationship with him, and much more. I am just questioning whether the Lord means for us to have any more children. I just don't know anymore.



So where do we go from here? We're still talking and praying about it. We had originally said we'd do 3 IUI procedures at the most, and if those didn't work, we'd stop "trying". We've done 2, and after this last one, I just don't know if I want to do another. It's just so difficult to put so much emotional investment into something like this each month. I'm tired. So I think we may be done. Between this and my parents splitting up, I feel very emotionally drained. I'm not giving up hope, but I think it may be time to completely give up control. I have realized that in doing all the charting, temperature-taking, tests, timing, fertility procedures and medications I have still been attempting to hold onto some control. Of course, I realize ultimately God is in control of this whole situation, yet I have felt better knowing that I've been at least "doing my part." And I think there is nothing wrong with using the resources out there when a couple is trying to get pregnant, as long as they are not crossing any moral boundaries and are being led by the Lord in every decision they make. I have many Christian friends who have had wonderful blessings of children come out of infertility treatment. I don't regret what we've done so far. For me, I think I needed to "try everything" (except IVF) before I could let go of it all.



Brian has been great this whole time. I don't really think he wanted to do any of the infertility treatment, yet he was willing to do whatever I felt like we needed to do. He didn't want me to feel like we "gave up" without trying almost everything humanly possible. But he has always had the attitude that if God means for us to have a baby, He will cause it to happen. I am so appreciative of how he's gone along with all of this for so long. It means so much to me that he loves and cares about me that much. Now that we have tried it "my way" for 1-1/2 years, I think God is telling me that it's time to release my grip on this. I cannot express to you how scarey that is for me. I realize I struggle with control issues. For me to let this go completely is a very big step. But I think it's the next big step that God is gently pushing me toward. In the past, I've done "my part" and then I've sat back and waited for God to do His. In other words, I've done all I can humanly do to try to get pregnant, and then I've handed over the reigns to God to complete the task. I think God is telling me that I now need to surrender the reigns to Him FIRST and give Him all control of the situation.



To give up complete control means you have to be ready to accept the consequences and believe that they are the best thing for you and your family. Up to this point, I haven't been willing to accept that the answer to us may be that we are NOT to have any more children. I think that's why I've wanted to hold onto the reigns a little bit. And God has graciously allowed me to do that. So please pray for us as we go down another road of this journey. I think, for me, this may be the hardest one yet. My sister-in-law told me something a long time ago that has stuck with me. She said that when she was going through infertility, she had to come to a place where she was "okay" with not having any more children (she had one child at the time). Once she got to that place in her heart, she had more peace. Fortunately, the Lord blessed her with another daughter through IVF. I'm not to that place yet, but I'm getting closer. I don't mean that I am not perfectly happy and content with having my two children. I truly am happy, and I love them so very much. I know that most people going through infertility don't have any children. Knowing how I feel, I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like for them; how much stronger the intense longing must be. But I am just not at that place of acceptance yet. That's my goal: to get to the point of truly being okay if I don't have any more children, while at the same time, holding onto the hope that God can cause a miracle to happen still. He's NEVER late with his blessings, and He never withholds them from the ones He loves.

Thank you again for all your prayers for my family and your continued support. I pray you've all had a wonderful Christmas, and I wish you a blessed New Year!

P.S. I am still knitting a baby blanket, as I talked about in my last blog. I pray that it will be for our baby, but if not, I can give it to my next niece or nephew. :)

Running the Race

We have the IUI procedure scheduled for tomorrow morning, Wed., Dec. 10th. I was on fertility medication (Clomid) again this month to help ensure good ovulation, and last night I was given a shot of HCG, which is supposed to trigger ovulation in 36 hours or so. I had an ultrasound of my ovaries yesterday and things seem to be progressing along well: the doctor said there is a 60-70% chance two eggs could be released (twins!). The more I look at things this month, the more I am convinced that 2 months ago when we did the IUI procedure we missed the ovulation, just as my doctor suspected. So I feel more hopeful for this month. Also, the doctor has prescribed supplemental progesterone for me to start taking 3 days after the procedure. That is an answer to prayer because I have been concerned this whole time that low progesterone may be part of the reason I am having trouble getting pregnant. For those who don't know, the woman's body normally produces much higher levels of progesterone during the 2nd half of her cycle (after ovulation). If progesterone levels aren't high enough, a fertilized egg can't implant in the first place, or, if it does, early miscarriage often occurs. I have just felt in my gut for a long time now that this could be a problem for me, but even if it's not, it doesn't hurt to take the supplement. Since we are only going to do this procedure one more time if it doesn't "work" this month, I want to give it the best shot possible this time around!

So, now I once again covet your prayers for us. Please join me in prayer for the following:
1) that ovulation will be well timed with the IUI procedure tomorrow morning, (that we won't miss it this time!)
2) that more than one egg will be released (betters our chances, plus we wouldn't mind having twins) :)
3) that fertilization and implantation take place
4) that I'll become pregnant this month: what a miraculous Christmas present that would be!
5) for comfort if we don't get pregnant this time
6) for patience, endurance, and strength to try again next month, if needed.

Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers for me and my family. I have felt such peace, in the last few months especially, that I know comes from your interceding prayers on my behalf. If there is ANYTHING I can be praying for for you or your family, please let me know. I really want to return the blessing to you, and to have the wonderful privilege to go to the Lord in prayer for you. I know many are going through very rough times right now, especially with the economy the way it is. I'd love to hear from you.

Below is a Bible verse I have been focusing on the last couple of weeks as I find myself hopeful, yet sometimes weary from the race. I really do feel like this is a race which I am walking very slowly in! The "race" part feels like my biological clock, since I am nearing 36. Yet I feel like I'm walking because it has been over 3 years since this journey began. As more and more people around me get pregnant, I liken them to runners passing me by in the race. Like me, most of you have read or heard the verses many times probably, but I've just really lately focused on all the words. The three sins that have tripped me up most often during this wait to have another baby have been doubt, impatience, and worry. I pray against these every day because I want nothing to take my focus off Jesus. If I were to try to run this race wearing those hinderances, I would never get to the finish line; and if I let my eyes shift their focus from Jesus, I will surely stumble and fall.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3