The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...

Finally! After many, many months of not blogging I am finally getting around to updating everyone on the boys. Though most of my close friends and family know what has been going on with us through personal conversation or from my updates on Facebook, I apologize for the rest of you who follow this blog and are wondering how we've been doing. I've updated some information and a lot of pictures on this blog, so if you are getting this message through your email, you may want to actually log onto the site so you can see everything. It's hard to know where to begin because it's been so long since I last wrote. Sometimes the struggles are just too hard to write down in words. We've had much success, coupled with many failures over the past year and half since adopting Milkanu and Tadesse. I guess I'll just do an overview of the eight months or so since I last posted, followed by some thoughts and reflections. One of my husband's favorite movies is "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly". I think that title is very applicable to how our lives have been since adopting our boys, so we'll go with that...

The GOOD. "Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6
I love this verse. While I reflect on the "good" that has happened during our adoption journey, many things come to mind, but most of all I can't get over GOD'S goodness to our family. He has brought us through some of the darkest and lowest times, even when we don't deserve it. Even when there has been nothing admirable in my behavior, God chooses to love me and carry me through the difficulties. HIS goodness, and that alone, is the only reason our family is where it is today.

The other "good" that has happened since I last blogged: April 21, 2012 marked the one year anniversary (Adoption Day) of our boys' adoption in Ethiopia. Then on June 13 the boys' adoption was finalized in the United States, allowing them to have American birth certificates and change their middle names (per Ethiopian procedures, both boys were given the middle name Brian when we adopted them there). So we now have Milkanu Elijah and Tadesse Ezekiel! Elijah means "the Lord is my God"; Ezekiel means "strength of God". Then a week later we celebrated the boys' first Gotcha Day on June 18, 2012. It was the one year anniversary of the day the boys came to their new home in the U.S. Many adoptive families celebrate Gotcha Day as the day that they adopted their children or the day they took them into custody. But this date was more significant to us because it really felt like it was the day our whole family "got" Milkanu and Tadesse. When we adopted the boys in April in Ethiopia, they weren't even with us. In fact, we had to wait for our second trip almost 8 weeks later before taking them into custody in Ethiopia. And since Taylor and Preston and the rest of our extended family were not with us during our second trip when we officially took custody of the boys, we decided to wait until we were all together as a family, and make that our "Gotcha Day". We celebrated the day with cake and special teddy bears for the boys while vacationing with Brian's family in southern California (Both Milkanu and Taddie LOVED their first time at the beach!). Next year I hope to make that day even more special by throwing them an Ethiopian themed party and inviting lots of family and friends.

More good: Both boys have grown a ton. Tadesse is pretty much caught up in height and weight with other boys his age. He has grown eight inches since being home with us, which is astounding! It amazes me what a difference proper nutrition makes. Milkanu is still very much on the short side for his age, but he has grown almost 6 inches since Ethiopia, so we're very happy with that. Taddie's language has taken off; in fact, I can't get him to be quiet! It's a close race between he and Preston as to who is the biggest talker in our family (okay, okay, I guess I'm in that running as well!). He is a very easy toddler for the most part. He throws the usual tantrum but he also gets over it very quickly and is back to his fun-loving, happy self in no time. Everywhere we go people comment on his adorable smile and friendliness (he waves and says hi to everyone). I've really enjoyed the one-on-one time I have with him during the day now that all the other three kids are in school. Milkanu, who is now in first grade, continues to do very well in school. I can't get over how good his English is. He is full of love and compassion, and is one of the friendliest kids you'll ever meet. At his kindergarten graduation last spring, all of the kids received candy awards. Milkanu earned the "Almond Joy" award, which is so perfect for him. Outside of home and problems we have had here, he is a very joyful child. His reading, spelling, and math are very good, and his behavior at school is exceptional. He has come a LONG way since June 2011, and I don't want to EVER lose sight of how far he has come. That's why I started this blog focused on the good. But I would not be telling the whole story if I left it at that...

The BAD. "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man [or child!] that lacks self-control." Prov. 25:28
Many people would probably not agree with me telling my child that his behavior or his choice was bad. If I were being PC I guess I would use the term "wrong" instead. But somehow that adjective isn't adequate enough to describe the yelling, hitting, and kicking that comes out of this little body when he is in one of his rages. When I last left off in my blogging I mentioned that Milkanu was undergoing therapy with a wonderful Christian lady. I do believe that the sessions helped him and also helped Brian and I know how to better parent him. However, the therapy didn't "cure" him of all poor behavior of course. We had several months of very few problems, followed by more months of lots of problems. With a child who has gone through trauma, it is very common for cyclical behavior like this. We are often wracking our brains to figure out what was really behind a particular outburst, but have found that it usually goes back to the trauma that he has experienced. Yes, he is a very strong-willed, stubborn child. He is emotionally immature for his age. (Many experts say that for every month spent in an orphanage, a child is delayed physically, mentally and emotionally four months. Milkanu spent 8 months in an orphanage and two more months in a smaller care facility.) BUT, we also believe that he still struggles with fear of abandonment and anger and sadness for losing his birth family. Usually these feelings are buried very deep and reside somewhere in his subconscience, causing him to often answer "I don't know" when we ask him why he got so upset over such a little thing. Sometimes he does recognize it though. About a month ago, after I was saying a prayer at bedtime for his birth family, Milkanu started crying uncontrollably. He told me he missed his birth family and wished he could visit them in Ethiopia. He was also sad that he didn't remember his birth father, who had died when he was younger. As I comforted him in my arms while he cried, my heart was breaking for all his pain I could not take away. But the Lord has often used the memory of that night to help me have more patience and compassion when he slips into the "bad" behavior. Another tactic my husband and I use to help us get through trials with our son is to remember that the "bad" isn't as horrendous as it was those first couple weeks and months home from Ethiopia. Looking back actually helps us to see how far Milkanu has come. And how far we have come...

The UGLY. "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23
I must confess that I was originally going to save this adjective to describe my son's terrible tantrums. But the Lord quickly convicted my heart, causing me to see that the true ugliness lay within my own heart and in the world around me. Were Milkanu's words "I don't love you and you're a bad mommy", spewed out in the heat of anger, ugly? Yes. But what about what I was sometimes thinking about him when he said those words? Were my thoughts a natural, human response to the situation? Probably, yes. But were they also ugly? Yes. In the midst of being kicked, hit, bit, and screamed at, I often doubted my love for this child. I wanted to slap him across the face and shake some sense into him. (Don't go calling CPS, I never actually followed through with this impulse!) I had ugly thoughts. I often doubted God's plan and was angry that he wasn't "fixing" Milkanu fast enough. And then I felt even more awful for even having those thoughts, which made me feel even uglier inside. That ugliness could have brought me deep into the pit of self-abasement and held me captive there, be it not for one thing: the exact opposite of ugliness... BEAUTY. Not my own, of course, as I think I've established how far away I am from that. Truly, the beauty of Jesus Christ and His grace, mercy, patience, strength, and most of all love for me and my family is what has gotten us through this season of our lives. The beauty of His perfect love is what has taught us to love a child that is sometimes unlovable. With so much ugliness in this imperfect world, God's perfect beauty is where my eyes need to be fixed. Over the past several months God has been teaching me to keep my gaze locked on His beauty instead of dwelling on my own mistakes as a parent and on the imperfections of my child.
"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in His temple." Psalm 27:4
Doing that has helped me to have more patience with Milkanu, to show more love to him, and to remember always that although he needs Godly discipline and direction, he also needs huge amounts of empathy and compassion for all that he has been through.

This life we are living on earth is full of the good, the bad, and lots and lots of ugly. We live in an imperfect and fallen world. My youngest two children have experienced a lot of ugliness to a degree that most of us will never face: loss, feelings of abandonment, death of a parent, poverty, hunger, fear. But there is some very GOOD news that we can hold onto if we are children of God, and this is what I will keep striving to teach to my children and reminding myself when I feel like giving up:

"I have told you these things, so that IN ME you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"Stronger is He..."

Things with Milkanu have been very slowly getting better. He has made a lot of progress. But as I was saying the other day to my sis-in-law Denise, "Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst". This past week we had three good days in a row, and then--BAM! Thursday morning started out very good, but in a blink it turned bad. Really bad. Ugly. Complete meltdown with hitting, scratching, kicking, and (attempted) biting involved. I literally had to have Taylor--my 14-yr.-old daughter--help me hold his hands down so I could ziptie his carseat straps together for safety. He has been known to undo his straps and stand up in the car in defiance when he is really mad. What set him off this time? I won't go into great detail or I'll never get through writing this blog, but basically it was because he wanted to keep playing with his ball and we needed to leave for school. Since he wouldn't budge on his own accord, I had to half-carry, half-drag him down the stairs, out the door, and into the car. I didn't want Taylor to be late for school nor for him to be late for his therapy appointment that morning. Once I finally got him secured, the doors and windows locked (he was opening everything), we made it out the garage and down the road. Even though Taylor had her front seat all the way forward, he was able to kick the back of the seat as hard as he could. He found Taylor's journal and ripped several pages out of it before I was able to get it away from him. He took off his shoes and was going to hurl them full force at me, but, praise the Lord, he resisted. Then he screamed at the top of his lungs and told me he didn't love me, etc., etc. By now, I'm used to that and don't take offense to it. Boy, we must have looked a sight driving down the road with a child flailing in full rage in the backseat...

Here is the most important part of the story, though. I am completely convinced this was a spiritual battle more than it was a physical and emotional one. We were just beginning an important therapy for Milkanu's healing called EMDR (google "EMDR with children" to get an idea what it is), and I knew that Thursday's appointment with the therapist (Melissa) was very important. The night before I had asked several people to please be praying for Milkanu and the therapy appointment. Then Thursday morning came and we had all those problems "out of the blue". I was shaking and upset in the car with my screaming child, but I was able to remain calm with him--even while I was being hit in the arm very hard and scratched with his nails. But as I was driving I felt a swelling of righteous anger within me and I said aloud to Taylor, "This is a spiritual attack, and Satan will NOT get my child. He is a child of God. He (Satan) WILL NOT WIN. He has NO power over my child. Just pray." Taylor and I were both getting emotional at this point and M began to calm down almost immediately after I said those words aloud. I also called Brian to let him know what was going on and asked him to pray for us. Amazingly, Taylor just barely made it to school on time. She later told me that as she rushed to class she had run into the principal (and administrative pastor of the church). He noticed she was shaking and upset, and she was able to tell him what happened so he could be praying. Because her teacher had seen her talking to the pastor, she didn't get in trouble for being a few minutes late to her first class.

We made it to the appointment without further incident; I was even able to convince him to buckle his carseat straps (with a small warning about what might happen if a police officer drove by and saw it unattached--hey, when it comes to my child's safety, I'll do what I have to! Luckily, the ziptie had been holding it together at the chest strap.) When we drove up to Ms. Melissa's office, I was surprised and relieved to see Brian there. Despite responsibilities at work, he knew that I needed him there that morning. So Brian was able to take M inside while I waited outside for Melissa to arrive and fill her in on what had taken place that morning. Had the Lord not impressed it upon Brian to meet us there, I would not have been able to talk to her alone. Praise God, she is a Christian, so I was able to share my thoughts about the spiritual aspect of what had happened. Her eyes filled with tears as she told me that the night before she had almost called me to cancel our appointment because she was feeling so overwhelmed and behind with work responsibilities that week. But she said she felt the Lord telling her she needed to keep Milkanu's appointment. Wow. If I hadn't been convinced before, I was most certainly then convinced there was a major spiritual battle going on. I just knew that Satan did not want us to get to that appointment, and that he was doing all that he could to prevent it. BUT OUR GOD PREVAILED!!! "...stronger is He that is in us than he who is against us." (1 John 4:4). Breaking protocol, right then and there in that parking lot, Melissa and I held hands and prayed together. We were both so thankful that she, I, and Brian were a team in this healing of Milkanu, with our Lord Jesus Christ as the captain. We almost didn't choose Melissa as Milkanu's therapist because her office was so far away, but God kept us together. I know that Melissa and everything that happened that morning and the night before was not a coincidence, but rather a God-incidence. Friends, do not take the spiritual world lightly. "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8) Dear sisters in Christ had not only prayed with me the night before for Milkanu's therapy appointment and the healing of his heart, but also for his salvation. And you know that the enemy did not like that. But Milkanu's Mommy and Daddy are fighting for him when he cannot fight for himself, and we will never let up. And I thank the Lord that so many of you are fighting along with us. Please don't let up. A little boy is depending on all of us...

I will keep you all updated on Milkanu's progress as we move along this next several weeks with more intensive therapy for him. It has been such an exhausting and overwhelming time for our entire family. But I love this reminder below. I found it on the blog of a friend of mine who is in the process of adopting a precious little girl from China. It was written by Derek Loux, singer and adoptive father of eight, who died in a car accident in 2009. I pray that all who read it will be reminded of God's incredible love for us:

"My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."