"Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see." Corrie ten Boom
I must apologize for how long it has been since my last blog. A lot has happened since then. Because I have so much to say, this will probably end up being a two-part blog. For the past two months I have been in a place of peace and contentment regarding our future. It's a place I have not been in (at least for any period of time) for many years. But it was not an easy road getting here. It truly took divine intervention to reach this place, and I first had to come to the end of myself. I had to fully realize the depth of my insufficiency. Only then could I completely surrender to God's will for us in having more children. And, oh, was I surprised the direction that the Lord took us in the end! But let me back up a bit...
November 27, 2010, 3 a.m. (approximately 2 weeks after the 5th IUI procedure): I woke up to find that I had started my period. As I wrote about in my last blog, with having 7 mature follicles and a successful IUI procedure, it seemed very positive that I would get pregnant that month. I cannot tell you how shocked and upset I was, knowing that was the last infertility procedure we were going to do. I laid in bed, literally crying out to God in anger and despair. Brian just held me as I wept uncontrollably for a long time. The next day I cried some more as I told my mom the news, but most of the day I was just numb. I wrote a short email to a few of my family and friends explaining what happened, but I didn't want to talk with anyone. I don't think I've ever felt more angry or confused with God. I couldn't even pray, because I didn't have the words. I kept going over and over in my head the last couple of years and all the times I felt God was leading us down a particular path. I had felt so sure that we had been in God's will and had followed His lead in all of our decisions regarding infertility treatment. From the vasectomy reversal almost 3 years ago, to the first three IUI procedures, to the new infertility doctor, to two more infertility procedures with injectible drugs. For several days I just kept thinking God was far away and that I had misread His direction all along. Then, to make things worse, I felt like a big phony and a horrible example to my family and friends for feeling the way that I did. Where was my faith? How dare I be angry at God! Why couldn't I "put it into perspective". It's not like I just found out I had cancer or that a loved one died. It's not like I had been pregnant and then miscarried, like has just happened to two of my closest friends. It's not like I didn't have any children, like so many other couples struggling with infertility. It seemed so selfish to be that upset over a pregnancy that never happened. But for me, it was the death of a dream. (Those of you who have experienced infertility can relate. Those of you who haven't, I pray that through reading my blogs you can be more understanding of those who have gone through it, even though on the outside it seems like they are overreacting. Infertility is difficult to fully understand unless you've been through it month after month, year after year.) So there I was: completely helpless, completely hopeless, completely where God wanted me to be.
(Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow...)
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