6-Week Update

Yesterday marked six weeks since we came home from Ethiopia with the boys. Many wise adoptive parents and specialists said that things will start to get a lot better after the six-week mark. I can definetely attest to that. In fact, for us, everything started to slowly improve after the 4-week mark and it keeps slowly getting better every day. Milkanu is still testing us every day and exerting his will, but really it's not a lot different than a preschooler or other five-year-old "adjusted" kid would do. I had read that it is very common for these kids to revert to behavior common to a younger child. The biggest improvement is that M is able to understand the consequences of his actions ("If you continue to scream/throw a fit/not obey, you will not get any books before bed/get to come out of this room/have mommy stay here with you/etc."), and realize that throwing a fit does not get him what he wants. Not only is his English improving, but his UNDERSTANDING of English is so much better. That has helped tremendously when we're trying to correct bad behavior. Also, the more comfortable with and attached he has become to us have helped improve his behavior. There has barely been any hitting or fighting back in the last two weeks, and when he is upset he really wants our comfort. Which leads me to my next topic...

Attachment. That is probably the most used word in adoption circles and books. Obviously, a healthy attachment to the child's new family is the most important thing in an adoptee's mental, physical, emotional, and psychological health and well being. As AP's (adoptive parents), we do everything we can to try to make this happen. For some children, depending on their age, personality, and what they have been through in the past, this takes much longer to happen once they are in their new families. Even though we've had some very frustrating times with these boys, I am SO happy that their attachment to us (and us to them) is going very well. I am truly amazed that it has only been 6 weeks and that they are doing so well. When I look back at those first two to three weeks, I can't believe how far we've come. In fact, whenever I get frustrated with the disobedience, strong-wills, screaming, crying, etc., I let my mind go back to those first few weeks. We are miles from there, Praise the Lord!!!! The attachment has a lot to do with that, because as Milkanu learns to trust us more and believe that we truly love him and that he's forever part of our family, he fights us a lot less. He lets that guard down. He has gone from not wanting much comfort, to allowing comfort, to now seeking it out from us.

I have read about so many adoptive children who have trouble with attaching, so I am so thankful Milkanu has come around. And we have come around as well. You don't read a lot about the parents' attachment to the child, but it is definetely an issue for many of us who adopt older children or younger ones that aren't so "loveable" in the beginning. One fellow blogger wrote about the advice someone had given to her when she wasn't particularly bonding with her child yet. I thought it was so good that I am sharing it here: "This relatively short season of getting to know each other, adapt, and grow your love for each other is your womb time. With a biological kid, for moms it is very passive and generally automatic. Yet deep connections are formed. They make the stress of a newborn doable despite it being very hard to assimilate a little life to a whole new world. You just get to do womb time with ______ on the outside with two-way opinions and outsiders looking on. But, I have every confidence that a new life will be birthed out of this time. So nourish physically, provide a protective, comforting, and safe environment, and allow time for unseen connections to bind your hearts together. It's gonna happen..."

I am seeing that happen firsthand. I think I mentioned before that I appreciated the advice to "fake it 'til you feel it" in terms of feeling love and attachment to your adopted child. Doing everything you can to go through the motions (in a very convincing way) so that your children feel loved. To be honest, I did a lot of "faking" it in the beginning! I have no doubt that I will one day soon feel the same way toward Milkanu as I do toward the other children, but I'm not there yet. That is not an easy thing to admit or to be honest about, but since I have always tried to be very honest in this blog, I am not going to stop now! My goal has always been to help others who may be struggling with infertility or adoption and to glorify God in every trial and victory. My connection to M is getting better every day, though. Last night, after a particularly difficult afternoon with him, he laid his head on my stomach and just cuddled with me. Then he spent about 30 minutes brushing my hair (he is surprisingly gentle and good at it), which was awesome! When he goes to bed, he gives me such strong hugs and whispers "I love you" in my ear (I say it first, but that's okay for now!). Those are the moments that my heart melts and softens and more connections between us are formed. And those moments are so important in our relationship because we still have many trying times. Yesterday we were in Prescott spending time with family at my in-laws house. This was M and T's first trip to see Nana and Papa's house, and all his cousins and his Aunt Nise were there as well. It was a very crowded noisy house with 8 children there! M slept in the room with the other kids and did very well, not coming in to our room to get us until 6, as we have "trained" him to do with a digital alarm clock. M didn't have a breakdown until the afternoon, and when he did it escalated to the point where we were going to go home several hours earlier than planned. At the same time, T was being a pain in the rear (which he can be very good at!). I was very frustrated that we were still having issues with the same things again. After it was all done and M was calmed down and had apologized to me (with prompting only) and gave me a big hug (thankfully, not much prompting needed there), my tension dissolved.

Perspective. Every time we have difficulties with either of the boys--which is every day still--I remind myself that 6 weeks ago my sons were living in Ethiopia in a transitional home. Six weeks ago they were surrounded by people who looked like them. Six weeks ago they had lots of friends to play with. Six weeks ago they recognized the sounds, smells, sights, and language around them. Six weeks ago they lived in Africa. Not to mention that 11 months before that my boys were ripped from their birth family, taken to an orphanage to live with strangers for seven months, develop relationships with those strangers, only to have that all change for them as they moved to another temporary place six hours away, then 8 weeks later (probably just as they were getting used to the "new" place) taken from that place to live in America with strangers. Perspective. Yes, they are doing remarkably well considering everything that has happened to them in the last year. When I am completely frustrated with them, God keeps bringing all this to my mind and heart. It brings me to a better place of calm, patience, understanding, and compassion.

Tadesse has always done pretty well with this adjustment, and he continues to do so. He is stubborn and picky and whiny a lot, but he is also very loveable and affectionate, as I've mentioned before. He is very smart and understands a lot for his age, I think. We can usually stop his tantrums by telling him he is going to go "night night" if he doesn't stop. Sometimes I have to put him in his crib for one or two minutes by himself, and then when I go back to get him I ask him if he is all done crying. He stops crying and nods his head and the tantrum is usually over. Physically, he is doing awesome. His stomach parasite was wiped out with one dose of antibiotics, his swelled belly has gone away, the strength in his limbs is amazing now, and he's walking everywhere!!! Hard to believe he was like a limp ragdoll with a big belly just six weeks ago and barely able to stand. Praise God for his amazing improvement in such a short time.

Okay, I could go on and on about them, but I'll stop now so I can go spend some time playing. :) My next update will probably be after school starts, so I'll let you all know how that goes. I'm trying not to be so anxious and worried, but it's so difficult for me! School starts Aug. 15. Please pray for Milkanu that this is a smooth transition and a good choice for us. Prayers for continued bonding, help for Milkanu for his separation anxiety, less tantrums, more English acquisition, and less strong wills would be most appreciated!!!

God bless you all.