We've made it 6 months!!!!!

"Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the Lord and discover the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:2-5

December 18 was probably the most significant day for me since adopting Milkanu and Tadesse on June 18, 2011. It would have been significant enough because it marked 6 months since the boys first came home to our family. It could have been significant enough because it was the boys first time ever seeing snow fall or Milkanu's first time building a snowman. But more significant to me than even all that was what took place in my heart and in a little boy's words of remorse. But to understand the significance of all that, I'll have to back up about a month...

Since the last post I wrote indicated everything was going very smoothly, some of you may be quite shocked to learn of the difficulties that we've had with Milkanu in this past month. But those of you who have experience with children who've endured trauma and deep pain and loss will know that it is very normal for them to have periods of improvements and then set-backs along the way. However, even though we knew this could happen with Milkanu as well, we didn't expect it to be as bad as it has been. Especially because he had been doing SO well for a long period of time. At first it took us awhile to figure out what had triggered his negative behavior, but we did finally conclude that everything began after our trip to Hawaii. Brian and I had taken a week-long getaway to Maui to celebrate our 17th anniversary. Milkanu had been doing so well that we felt confident that he would do fine with us leaving that long. Plus, he was staying at our house with Taylor, Preston, and Nana and Papa Baker (Brian's parents). Milkanu has become very attached to my in-laws, so we felt he would do well. And, in fact, he had no problems at all while we were gone. However, his behavior that has followed in the month since the trip has convinced us that us leaving him probably triggered memories of being separated from his birth family, created fear, anger, and insecurity, and a bunch of other "junk" inside of his little mind. At first we felt so guilty about our trip, but our pastor, adoption caseworker, and the attachment therapist that we are now consulting with all agreed that it was important for Brian and I to take the time alone together to strengthen our marriage and to give us a much needed break from all the stress of the past months.

Since Thanksgiving (the day we came back from Hawaii) we have seen moments of anger and rage in Milkanu that in some ways have been worse than the meltdowns he had in that first month home with us. In the beginning, when he would hit, bite, kick, and pinch it was accompanied by a lot of crying and screaming at the top of his lungs. This past month, however, when he is in "a rage", he is often void of outward emotion. No tears, no remorse, no nothing--except super-human strength, anger, and violence directed at us. Now that he knows a lot of English, he has used it to say very cruel and hateful things to Brian and I: I hate you. I don't love you. I go back to Ethiopia. You're not my Mommy/Daddy. You no cry; I laugh when you cry. You're yucky. Etc. Since the words have happened a few times now, I have gotten used to them and have learned to not take it personally. He has trashed his room, broken toys, ripped up money (his own), broken his door handle, taken off his seatbelt and stood up in the car while I was driving down the freeway, and more. On many recent occasions he has been defiant, destructive, unremorseful, disrespectful, stubborn as hell, and just plain mean. In other words, it has not been pretty.

Most people outside of our family have not seen these behaviors and probably have a hard time believing we're talking about the same kid! They see the sweet, loving, affectionate, outgoing, happy Milkanu. I know in my heart that this is the true Milkanu, and that the pain he has experienced in the past and the fear he still holds onto are the things that are fueling this poor behavior. We know that he has been through more than we could ever imagine experiencing and that we should have immeasurable compassion for him all the time, but when we are in the thick of it with him, it is often hard to react appropriately. We are human and we have our breaking points. Dealing with M has truly been unlike anything we have dealt with before. I'm going to be completely honest here, so please don't report me to the authorities: there have been moments that we've wanted to send him back to Ethiopia. Sounds awful doesn't it? But if you haven't experienced what we have, there is no way you can possibly understand how it feels and how you would feel or act. Thankfully, the Lord has kept those negative feelings to a minimum, and the majority of the time we do feel love and compassion. We know that his behavior is very common and expected, we've read about similar behavior again and again in blogs, in adoption books, and in friends' emails to us. We know that many parents have been where we have been; we are certainly not alone. But it is still very hard.

On a positive note, Milkanu continues to do very well in school and these issues he has at home, stay at home. In fact, his teacher and the principal were pretty surprised when I informed them about what is going on and asked them to be praying for him. I am also the one he tests the most. He tests and disobeys Brian as well, but he seems to challenge me more. But, he is also more attached to me--emotionally and literally. He is often extremally, over-the-top affectionate with me, hugging, kissing, touching my face, wanting to be on my lap, etc. It's obvious that he struggles with his feelings about his birth mom and that connection with me. Often, it's a push and pull with me. I know many parents who have struggled with their adopted child attaching to them, so I feel very fortunate that he is so affectionate. But at times it can be exhausting and almost suffocating for me. BUT, I would gladly take the over-the-top-affection instead of the physical attacks!

So, getting back to Sunday, December 18. We were in Prescott at Brian's parents' house. Brian had already left to go back to Phoenix, but I was planning on staying there with the kids until Tuesday. We had another issue with Milkanu refusing to go to bed. Now, with our birth children we would have spanked them, taken something away, or something else along those lines. And it would have worked. But, Milkanu is nothing like our other children! What worked with parenting them DOES NOT WORK with Milkanu. We can't spank him for obvious reasons (he would not understand we were disciplining out of Christian Biblical principles, and he already has anger and control issues and that would just exasperate him); we can't take anything away (since most of his life he never had anything that was his own, it's not a big deal for him to lose a toy; we can't lock the door to make him stay there because he'll either trash the room in anger and/or break the door down. Let me tell you, it is a very hopeless feeling--to feel like your 6-year-old is in control. That night I had tried everything I could think of. My father-in-law then took over, but that didn't go much better. Finally, I knelt beside his bed and calmly talked with him about what was going on in his heart. We talked about what he was feeling and why he was resisting bedtime. I stayed calm and kept my voice loving and positive. I asked him if he wanted to pray together to ask God to help him to listen and obey. It worked!!!! He eventually told me he was sorry and asked for forgiveness for his disobedience. Then he told me something that was so simple, so obvious, and exactly what Brian had been telling me to do for the past month: "Mommy, when I am feeling sad and angry inside, and you and Daddy talk to me, I feel much better." You are probably reading this and thinking that I should have known all along that would work better than threatening, raising my voice, getting frustrated with him, or walking away. In fact, that's what all the experts say to do. And I'm not saying that I always reacted badly to Milkanu's bad behavior, or that I never talked to him about his feelings. But more often than I would like to admit, my patience was short and the side of me that was fighting to control the situation won out. In parenting Milkanu, not only have I been struggling with patience, but I have been also fighting to win the battles with him. In my mind (and due to previous parenting that worked with Taylor and Preston), I had to always win the argument so he would respect my authority and know that I knew what was best for him. But this approach did not work with Milkanu. Time after time I knew that my methods were not working, but I just couldn't seem to correct my behavior. That night, after hearing his genuine, innocent words and seeing the positive outcome of how I was reacting to him, my heart changed. That's not to say that since then I haven't had moments of weakness and slipped back into my old ways at times, but I have tried much harder to parent differently. And the majority of the time the results are far better.

Even though we have seen some improvement in Milkanu's behavior and we truly feel like we have turned a corner for the better, we're still having problems with him. So we decided a few weeks ago to get him into a child therapist who specializes in children who have been adopted at an older age and struggle with the types of feelings and behaviors that are common to Milkanu. She is a Christian and she was recommended to us through our social worker. We met her already and feel very positive about her being able to help Milkanu. He will meet with her for the first time next week, so please pray that that meeting goes well. He has told me some things that have happened at the orphanage to him (by other kids), and I know that--along with the abandonment issues--plays a big role in his trauma. She said that as more comes to the surface that he is repressing or doesn't want to talk about, behavior could get worse before it gets better. That is a little scary to us, so please keep us in your prayers!

On that note, I must thank many of you again from the bottom of my heart. I know my family and many close friends have been praying for us daily throughout these past six months, and praying more fervently when I reached out to you in these past few weeks. I can tell you honestly that your prayers have made all the difference. Although we are far from perfect, I feel that through the Lord's help both Brian and I have become much better parents for Milkanu. It is only by the grace of God that we've been able to do that, and your intercession has brought that about. I treasure you all dearly, and just pray that I can return the favor and blessing to you in your time of need now or in the future. Please let us know how we can pray for you!

God bless you all in the new year.