Not this month. For reasons I don't understand, God in His perfect wisdom has chosen to not allow for me to be pregnant this month. I thank you so much for your prayers for us during this time. I KNOW that they have been answered because I feel so at peace. In fact, I feel it's truly a miracle that I feel the way I do. For the first time in a long time, I did not cry when I realized I was not pregnant this month. I was not heart-broken or in despair, ready to give up. I know God was preparing me all week for this, and I know it was your prayers and mine that have caused God to move in that way. Amazingly, I feel a strengthening of faith instead of a wavering. I am more confident now than I have ever been before that this will happen for us someday. With the procedure, the fertility drugs, and the positive ultrasound (showing multiple follicles) this month, we had all invested a lot of hope. Therefore, for me to react this way after receiving such disappointing news can only mean one thing: God is moving. And I'm excited to see what He will do next.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

--Lord, my choices right now are to trust in your promises or to doubt you. If I trust, you promise peace, so therefore, I choose to trust. I know that trusting you is a conscious choice I make: it's an action, not a feeling. Please help me to daily trust You no matter how long you ask me to wait.--

That above Bible verse and prayer were written by me in my journal in October 2005. During that time in my life I was struggling with a deep desire to have another child, but God had not yet placed that same desire on my husband's heart. Little did I know that my Lord was sending me on a faith journey like none I'd ever gone on before! It would take a year and a half of waiting on God and trusting in Him in a way I had never done before. It was a very difficult period in my life. At the same time that I was longing for this child, my parents were having a crisis in their marriage, which affected me and my family greatly. I didn't understand why God was asking me to endure so much all at once. Wasn't one difficulty enough? But as I walked through that valley with God's leading, I realized that God needed to grow my little faith. He knew I needed some big lessons in relinquishing control and trusting more fully in Him. As my faith grew and my relationship with Jesus deepened, He blessed me with the answer to my prayer:

May 5, 2007. Brian announced that he would like to try to have another child. I will never forget that day. God is so faithful, and my husband is so wonderful. I know it was God who led Brian to that decision. I also know that it was my husband's great love for me and his desire to bring me great joy that he made that announcement that day. I do believe he wants more children, but most of all he wanted this for me, I think. That is the type of man he is. I know it pains him greatly when he knows that I am hurting. He always puts the needs of others before his own. He has been a wonderful, faithful husband and I don't think I tell him that often enough. I don't think he'll ever fully know what his announcement on that May day meant to me. It literally changed my spiritual life. I am still overwhelmed with what he has gone through because of his love for me: a painful vasectomy reversal surgery, tests, infertility doctor visits, discouraging lab results, disappointments, and his wife's sorrow month after month. But I know he will be rewarded for the way he has stood by me through all of this, and for his willingness to keep on trying when it seems hopeless. I pray that the faith God has given me and the conviction that He WILL bless us with another child will be given to Brian as well. I want him to feel what I feel. I want everyone to! This week is his birthday, and this month is our 14-year anniversary (we've been together for over 17 years). I love you Brian. Thank you for being a wonderful dad to our children, and for blessing me beyond words. I am so glad we are taking this faith journey together, and I believe that God has amazing gifts in store for us if we keep our eyes focused on Him and His plan.

Now, where was I... (Sorry, I'm a little scatter-brained today. I have all these thoughts flying around in my head, so this blog is not going to be very orderly!) Oh yes, I was giving you some background in this faith journey I'm on. (Quite frankly, those of you closest to me have been on this journey with me. You have told me how God is using this situation to strengthen your faith, too, and I'm so excited about that.) Well, I naively thought that Brian would have the surgery and we'd get pregnant within a few months. But God had different plans. He knew that my faith needed to grow much more than it already had, and Brian's as well. I'd love to say that my faith steadily increased month after month, with no dips and no doubts. I'd love to say that I always trusted in God's plan and never gave up on it. But both would be lies. A few months ago in particular--in June to be exact--I was ready to give up. It was the year mark: one year since Brian's surgery. Things had not worked out the way I had planned them. I was supposed to be pregnant or even with a newborn by that time. "God, hadn't you gotten my schedule? Why aren't you following the plan?" I was convinced that I could not go through another month of disappointment. I was ready to give up. In my despair, I cried out to God, and God was there. In fact, He had never left my side, I had just stopped looking for Him.

I believe that was a big turning point for me. God wanted for me to get that place of hopelessness and utter surrender, so He could more freely move me in faith. It was a valley that God has been bringing me slowly out of ever since. I started with little steps uphill, but lately I have been climbing with a vigor in huge strides. You know what the difference has been? Precious time spent with the Lord. I know that seems elemental or maybe even cliche, but it is the truth. I had drifted from Him. Yes, I was still spending time in prayer, but I wasn't really spending time with the person to whom I was praying to. Does that make sense? I had gotten busy with life, but lazy with God. I knew it in my heart, but until I went on a woman's retreat in September with my dear friend Angela, I didn't actually make a change and reconnect with God. I made a commitment to Him that weekend that I would answer His call for fellowship. I would begin each day with Him. I longed to get back to that closeness I had with God during that year and a half before we started to try for a child. During that first 1-1/2 years, I had been desperate and hopeless and God stretched my faith way beyond my comfort zone. I longed for that kind of faith-stretching again, however painful it might be.

And God has not let me down. These past two month that I've spent in intimate closeness to the Lord have been more than I could imagine. Although nothing has changed in my actual circumstances, my faith is stronger than ever. I know that has been part of God's plan all along. I have come to a place where I can say with certainty that I know God is going to bless us with a child. I was afraid to journal that because it's a pretty bold statement, and now it's out there for all to see. I know I set myself up for possible disappointment and ridicule (maybe even pity) from others by stating that, but I also believe God has been bringing me to this place of "reckless" faith. And it's where I need to rest. Once again, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, and expecting God to move in miraculous ways. I hope you will step out with me.

In the story of Sarah, who laughed when God told her she would have a child in her old age, God replied: "Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

Definetely not.