"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed." Psalm 22: 1-5
As some of you already know, I am not pregnant this month. It was very disappointing and sad for me, especially because my hopes were high that it would happen during the holidays. But God has a different plan. I made a promise to myself that if I created this blog I would always be as honest as possible in it. I debated writing the negative thoughts I am having because it seems contradictory to all my other blogs. But I decided I needed to be honest, not only for myself, but also for those reading who may be going through similiar struggles and can identify. This is real. This is me. So here goes.
I am down and discouraged. To be completely honest, I have lost a little hope that this will ever happen for us. I am wondering if the confidence and assurance that I have had in getting pregnant has not truly been from God, but from my own deep desire. I just have a lot of questions and soul-searching to do. Please understand that I am NOT saying I've completely given up hope or that I think what we've gone through these past 3+ years has been in vain. I completely believe God has a purpose in all of this. I know some things He has already accomplished or begun to accomplish in my life like: growing my faith, stretching my trust, helping me to let go of control, strengthening my relationship with him, and much more. I am just questioning whether the Lord means for us to have any more children. I just don't know anymore.
So where do we go from here? We're still talking and praying about it. We had originally said we'd do 3 IUI procedures at the most, and if those didn't work, we'd stop "trying". We've done 2, and after this last one, I just don't know if I want to do another. It's just so difficult to put so much emotional investment into something like this each month. I'm tired. So I think we may be done. Between this and my parents splitting up, I feel very emotionally drained. I'm not giving up hope, but I think it may be time to completely give up control. I have realized that in doing all the charting, temperature-taking, tests, timing, fertility procedures and medications I have still been attempting to hold onto some control. Of course, I realize ultimately God is in control of this whole situation, yet I have felt better knowing that I've been at least "doing my part." And I think there is nothing wrong with using the resources out there when a couple is trying to get pregnant, as long as they are not crossing any moral boundaries and are being led by the Lord in every decision they make. I have many Christian friends who have had wonderful blessings of children come out of infertility treatment. I don't regret what we've done so far. For me, I think I needed to "try everything" (except IVF) before I could let go of it all.
Brian has been great this whole time. I don't really think he wanted to do any of the infertility treatment, yet he was willing to do whatever I felt like we needed to do. He didn't want me to feel like we "gave up" without trying almost everything humanly possible. But he has always had the attitude that if God means for us to have a baby, He will cause it to happen. I am so appreciative of how he's gone along with all of this for so long. It means so much to me that he loves and cares about me that much. Now that we have tried it "my way" for 1-1/2 years, I think God is telling me that it's time to release my grip on this. I cannot express to you how scarey that is for me. I realize I struggle with control issues. For me to let this go completely is a very big step. But I think it's the next big step that God is gently pushing me toward. In the past, I've done "my part" and then I've sat back and waited for God to do His. In other words, I've done all I can humanly do to try to get pregnant, and then I've handed over the reigns to God to complete the task. I think God is telling me that I now need to surrender the reigns to Him FIRST and give Him all control of the situation.
To give up complete control means you have to be ready to accept the consequences and believe that they are the best thing for you and your family. Up to this point, I haven't been willing to accept that the answer to us may be that we are NOT to have any more children. I think that's why I've wanted to hold onto the reigns a little bit. And God has graciously allowed me to do that. So please pray for us as we go down another road of this journey. I think, for me, this may be the hardest one yet. My sister-in-law told me something a long time ago that has stuck with me. She said that when she was going through infertility, she had to come to a place where she was "okay" with not having any more children (she had one child at the time). Once she got to that place in her heart, she had more peace. Fortunately, the Lord blessed her with another daughter through IVF. I'm not to that place yet, but I'm getting closer. I don't mean that I am not perfectly happy and content with having my two children. I truly am happy, and I love them so very much. I know that most people going through infertility don't have any children. Knowing how I feel, I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like for them; how much stronger the intense longing must be. But I am just not at that place of acceptance yet. That's my goal: to get to the point of truly being okay if I don't have any more children, while at the same time, holding onto the hope that God can cause a miracle to happen still. He's NEVER late with his blessings, and He never withholds them from the ones He loves.
Thank you again for all your prayers for my family and your continued support. I pray you've all had a wonderful Christmas, and I wish you a blessed New Year!
P.S. I am still knitting a baby blanket, as I talked about in my last blog. I pray that it will be for our baby, but if not, I can give it to my next niece or nephew. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment