I had to add a short blog (well, compared to some of my others!) because I was so greatly encouraged this morning. Here is what happened: While getting ready for church, Brian and I discussed the future and if we should go forward with any more infertility treatment. I told him how I was feeling and how I didn't think I wanted to go through it anymore. But he thought it best that we do one more IUI procedure before we let everything go, because that is what we had always planned on doing. We felt it was the right plan for us then, and he thinks we (I) will regret it later on if we don't follow through with that. If we try one more time, I'm not sure if the IUI will happen this month or the next; it depends on what my doctor says. I wish I could say I'm hopeful that the third time will be the one, but it's so hard to open up to hope when you are afraid of being hurt again. But I'm going to try, and with God's help, my faith will be strengthened. I was just so happy to be able to finally share my disappointment with Brian and be able to cry and lean on him for support this morning. I had been mostly keeping it inside. Since he was the one who originally was very skeptical about doing the procedure at all--let alone more than once--I was encouraged and touched that he wanted to try it one more time. The Lord knew that I needed Brian this morning, and I believe He gave him the words to say to me. When he left the room, I cried some more. I also asked God to give me clear direction if this is the way we were supposed to go.
We ended up not making it to church this morning, but instead watched the service live on www.calvaryphx.com, sitting around the computer as a family. I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord used that particular message on this particular morning to speak to me. I cried through a lot of it. It was all about endurance and finishing the race (based on 1 Corin. 9:24-27). Here are some thoughts from it (paraphrased): Endurance takes discipline and pushing ourselves beyond our safe place. Developing endurance can hurt, but you have to push through it. Often in a race, runners hit the "runner's wall" (For me, I experienced this physically while hiking the Grand Canyon rim to rim.). One must push past that point and keep putting one foot in front of the other to get to the end. Also, I was reminded that Jesus is the trailblazer of my faith (Hebrews 12:2). Because He is ahead of me, I can not only go on, but I can finish. And like a building, God often allows us to be torn down so He can build us up. He digs deep, causing pain, so He can lay a foundation that will allow Him to build high: He is the architect of our faith! Lastly, the pastor said that we need to push on even when we don't feel like it. Luke 18:1 tells us to pray always and don't give up, even when we don't see an answer. What does endurance look like? A prayer offered up over and over again even when we don't think it will do any good.
So, thank you again for those of you who have faithfully prayed. I hope you can see in my words the evidence that your prayers are working.
We will press on!
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