Continual hope

Well, here we go--our last time around. Since this is the last IUI that we plan to do, I want to make sure I have everyone on board praying for us! Here's the update: the IUI is scheduled for this Sunday, Nov. 15th at 11:00 a.m. Things are a little different this time because I have 7 good-sized follicles (as opposed to 3 last time). I know that number sounds pretty scarey (we don't want to be the next "Brian and Tammy + 9" hit TLC show!), but we had to put everything in perspective. Every other time my ovaries have been stimulated with fertility drugs, some of the follicles have been cysts not containing eggs. Also, even if they are all eggs, odds are that not all will release or be fertilized. Also, we've been trying for 2-1/2 years and haven't yet gotten pregnant. But there is an increased chance of multiples, so my doctor today gave me the option to continue with the IUI this month or not. After talking it over with Brian, we decided to move forward. Yes, we are taking a chance of getting pregnant with more than one, but we feel that it's in God's hands, so whatever He blesses us with we'll be grateful.

I have felt very positive this month, even before I got today's news about the number of follicles I have. I'm actually much more positive than I have been for a long time. I don't know if it's wishful thinking, empty hope, or a peace from God that this is finally it. I don't know if I feel this way because my really good friend who is my age, just found out she is unexpectedly pregnant, even though the chances of that happening were very slim (they weren't trying). I don't know if it's because I wrote in my journal 2 years ago that I really felt I would be pregnant at the same time as my sister-in-law, Denise, who is due with twins within this next month (so it has to happen in the next 2 weeks for that prediction to come true!). I don't know if it's because we really like the name "Autumn" for a girl, and this is the last month this year she could be conceived in autumn. I don't know if it's because our family vowed to fast from a favorite food item until I get pregnant or we adopt. (Whenever we think about that item, it's a reminder for us to pray for God to bless us with a baby.) I don't know why I feel this way, I just do. Out of protection, my heart wants to NOT believe it will happen so I won't be heartbroken if it doesn't. But my mind isn't cooperating with that! I DO have faith. I DO have hope. I DO believe. Most of all, I know with all my heart that if this doesn't work out this month, God is still in control, He has a better plan, and He will get us through.

I've been studying lately about how my hope needs to be continual, even though continuing down this road is often very hard, painful work. This is very similar to endurance, which I blogged about last time. It's much easier to continue on in my hope when I focus on the fact that I serve a continual God. He has always been and will always be. He never fails. He is always there for me. Knowing this, I can continue on.

"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more." Psalm 71:14