Some of you who do not know what I am about to say may be shocked by this blog. Last you knew, we were planning to become foster parents. But once again, God has moved us in a different direction. Although to some this may seem sudden, I assure you that it was born in our hearts almost five years ago, but it just took this long for God to bring our initial desire/prayer to fruition. What seems on the outside like a crooked path, surrounded by changed plans, sorrowful failures, and misguided intentions, is in reality what God had planned for us all along. Though it does not seem this way from our point of view, to God this path was straight. I KNOW this for a fact because throughout this whole journey we have trusted God with our future, even when we didn't understand His ways. Proverbs 3:5,6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
So... this different direction God has moved us in is to internationally adopt a child or children from Ethiopia. Some may ask how we went from infertility to foster parenting to adoption. (I know our homestudy caseworker was wondering that very same thing!) Seems a little crazy, huh? But the seed of adoption had been planted long before the infertility began, and I believe God used the idea of foster parenting as a transition period for us to be ready to move from infertility to international adoption. Let me take you back almost five years ago to my journal entry documenting when this all began:
"August 10, 2005: After being almost a week late for my cycle to start, Brian and I talked for the first time about the possibility of having more children. We realized we both welcomed the idea and have even discussed pursuing international adoption if I'm not pregnant. We've bought adoption books and talked with Brian's parents about helping us financially because we don't have the money for it. I can hardly believe this is happening! Lord, on this decision, give us guidance, faith, and patience for your will and your timing. Show us your plan and give Brian and I mutual agreement and conviction in our hearts."
"August 12, 2005: My cycle began, which is very disappointing, yet I KNOW God delayed it for a reason. We may not have ever approached the subject and considered it so greatly if I hadn't thought I might be pregnant. When I was late, we both realized how much we wanted another baby. I can't explain how strong these feelings are. I know for sure this is what I want. It just feels so right in so many ways. We don't know how we'll handle it financially, but we also know it will be a faith thing. Lord, give us peace about whatever path you choose for our family. Let it be a path YOU ALONE lead us down, not one we choose on our own without your help. I pray we'll have support from our family and friends and that you will take care of us financially. We have no idea how we'll afford this. Please grow our faith. Amen."
A few weeks later, Brian's heart changed. He no longer thought adoption was the right path for us. To this day, I believe with all my soul that God either changed Brian's heart away from adoption or He at least allowed the change to take place, all for a greater purpose in HIS timing. Though I prayed for God to take away my longing for a child since it was not in line with my husband's heart anymore, God in His great wisdom did not grant me that wish. Instead, He taught me tremendous lessons in patience, hope, perseverance in prayer, submission to my husband, and complete faith in HIS plans and timing instead of my own.
Fast forward to today: four years and nine months later. A little over a month ago Brian came to me with heavy reservations he was having about pursuing foster parenting. I won't go into all the details, but the main concerns he had were with the life adjustments we would have to make and how we (me, in particular) would handle giving a child up to their biological parents once the fostering period was over. I had always said that if God wanted us to do this, HE alone would provide a way for me to cope with it. Yet, once Brian raised the concerns, I began to really ponder the thoughts that I had largely ignored in my desire to have more children in our family. Since I had already admitted to the social worker, my husband, and others that my ultimate desire was to eventually adopt one or more of the children we were fostering (a desire Brian shared), it seemed quite obvious that we were going about things in an indirect way. Brian told me he still wanted more children, but he just didn't think that fostering was going to be right for us. Then he brought up the idea of international adoption. This statement floored me, because after we were done with infertility treatment, I thought fostering was our only option in Brian's mind. Also, international adoption was what my heart had longed for from the very beginning, so I couldn't believe my ears that Brian was now suggesting it again. What meant the most to me though, was when Brian said that He wanted to pray about it together and separate before we made any decisions. He knew that God needed to be our ultimate leader in this. The more we prayed about it, the more convinced we both were that fostering was not right for us at this time in our lives (maybe in the future?) and that adopting from Ethiopia was the right thing.
Since making that decision, choosing an international agency, beginning our paperwork, and getting ready to begin our homestudy process this Thursday with a case worker from the Christian agency we were going to use for fostering, we have had such peace and joy. I know I said that many times along the way regarding different aspects of this (almost) five-year journey. But the truth is we did feel God's direction and peace about all those decisions we made. We believe He directed our hearts. He has always been in control even when things seemed to be spirally out of control! As far as fostering goes, I think one of the big reasons God put that on our hearts was for transition. Experts stress the importance of healing from infertility before jumping into adoption. I am sure that the transition was much easier for me that it would be for a childless woman, because I already have two biological children. But, as I mentioned in other blogs, I was devastated after the last infertility treatment failed until Brian brought up the possibility of fostering. Even though in the big picture I had hopes of adoption in the future, it gave me something tangible to hold onto until that time. The idea that we could change a child's life through fostering was very appealing to both of us. It brought us both to a closer state of selflessness. It wasn't about what I wanted anymore, but what God wanted and how He wanted to use us. At the time, though, we didn't realize God was also using the fostering to pave a way for international adoption.
Timing was everything. Had we adopted five years ago our faiths would have been less mature, our marriage would not have been as strong, our children would not have witnessed living out their faith first-hand, our finances would have been tight, and our story would not have touched other's lives. I would not have learned about submission to my husband's leadership, persistence in praying for my heart's desire, endurance in trials, nor hope in the most hopeless situations. And God knew what Brian needed and the direction he needed to go to get back to the plan God had originally started in his heart. God knew what He was doing all along, even when we didn't! I can honestly say it was all worth it, and I am so thankful for all we've been through all these years. Can't wait to see what He has planned next!
(Watch for Part II of this blog coming later today!)
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