For those of you who don't know, we tried a round of infertility treatment with an injectible fertility drug called Follistim, followed by our fourth IUI (but this was our first IUI with the new doctor I talked about in my last blog). It seemed like I had a good chance of getting pregnant because I had three good-sized follicles that looked like they would release eggs. However, I did not get pregnant, and a follow-up ultrasound revealed that only one follicle released an egg and the other two formed cysts. I have responded this way to fertility drugs before (made cysts instead of eggs), and so do many other women. So it's not that uncommon, but it's very frustrating. So now I'm on birth control pills for three weeks (seems odd, huh?!) to keep me in a "holding pattern" so-to-speak. We don't want my cycle to move forward this month, and we also need to shrink the cysts. The pills usually help speed that along. After the cysts are hopefully gone in another two weeks, we will begin Follistim again. This time however, the doctor wants to put me on a higher dose to more aggressively stimulate my ovarian function. The educated medical assumption is that my body will again produce some cysts, but that with higher doses of medication, it will also produce more eggs. For each cycle, the ideal is to have 2-4 good eggs to increase your chances of getting pregnant. Even with the larger number of eggs, there is still only a 10% chance of twins (which we want) and less than 1% chance of 3 or more. Not sure how the increased drug dosage will affect me--I had some annoying and uncomfortable side effects last time, but nothing serious--but I guess it's worth the discomfort if it brings about a baby or two!
I think this is probably the last procedure we will do, regardless of the outcome. The emotional turmoil that Brian and I both go through is very difficult to deal with month after month. Infertility treatment makes that worse, because along with the increased hope comes increased disappoinment. But I feel like with every IUI procedure we learn a little bit more about what doesn't work for my body. So hopefully with this fifth time around, everything will be worked out and God will cause a miracle to happen. Thank you SO much to all of you who were praying so passionately for us this past month. All of us had such high expectations with the new doctor, new drugs, etc. I think it was kind of a shock when it didn't "work". It was a really miserable couple days for me, but God and your prayers got me through. Jesus never left my side, and he so graciously put up with my tears, anger, depression, and self-centeredness (I had many "poor me" moments!). Now I can look at the future with renewed hope because of the words He has again spoke to me through scripture, prayer, and godly people.
"...you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything... Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:3-4, 12; NIV)
I have felt God nudging me to not only not give up, but to persevere. Perseverance means: persistence under harsh circumstances; steadfastness; continued pursuit. During this infertility journey my hope and belief that we will ever truly have another child has gone up and down like a yo-yo. I have been so inconsistent; so human in my doubt. Yet there are two things that have not changed in the entire 4-1/2 years that I've wanted a child. First, God's presence in my life has remained constant, which has given me immeasurable peace. Second, God has not changed my desire in wanting a child or given me any indication or confirmation that I'm supposed to stop praying for this. On the contrary, despite external circumstances looking so dim, I keep having this internal conviction to persevere no matter what.
One thing that probably helps me to persevere the most besides the reading of God's Word is the reading of past journal entries. Today I read a Bible verse that applies not only to scripture, but I think also to reading my own words that I have written in the past, because they remind me of what God has done in my life. That gives me hope for the future. "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragment of the Scriptures we might have hope." (Romans 15:4) As I am preparing to write a devotional book/journal about my journey with infertility, I have been rereading old journal entries. How often I have forgotten what God has done already, and the way He has used every circumstance to draw me closer to Him and to accomplish His purpose. So looking back at God's work, helps me to move forward in hope. I pray you will continue to move forward in hope along with me...
God bless.
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